Game of Thrones episode 16, “The Old Gods and the New” got plenty of Twitter reaction, and I’ll give you one guess what scene made my computer screen freeze up and my Twitter account basically dump out on me.
(Here’s your hint: it begins with “San” and ends with “San.”)
As per the usual, these tasty treats were taken from tweets hashtagged #GameOfThrones and #TheOldGodsAndTheNew. They are spoiler-y with regard to the episode in question, but if you haven’t watched it, well, why the hell are you here?
We begin as the buzzing fandom writhes in anticipation. Pregame traditions tend to involve drinking.
@HotMessMandy: Getting ready for #GameOfThrones new episode tonight. #TheOldGodsandTheNew …when I say getting ready….DRINKING.
@FYWinterfell: Every time a Stark gets the sh*t end of the stick- take a drink! How much wine will I drink tonight?
@Ramphastaar: watchuing #gameofthrones already drunk lol
Some have no rituals. Some just settle in and embrace the inevitable dark.
@wordlyChimp: #TheOldGodsAndTheNew, eh? I bet someone’s gonna die during
@Cescaa_Rose: I love hearing my parents theories on what will happen in #gameofthrones each ep, THEY HAVE SUCH BEAUTIFUL HOPE
“It gets better.”
@ShellyS: 5 min to #Sherlock. Will watch #GameofThrones later.
It’s good to be the only game in tow—hey.
Well. Can’t be number one in everyone’s eyes!
@redjen78: I’ve never been so obsessed with a show as I’ve been with #gameofthrones
@MOVIEBRAINROT: Let’s do this…it has more hot blondes with baby dragons per minute then any other show on TV.
@BeboFett: Time to see what the pussy demon is up to this week!!!
Some people have their priorities straight:
@AlyssaRosenberg: Aaaand, the “Nudity” warning is back on #GameofThrones…
@Jennike87: Thank god there is nudity in this episode!
@turnageb: And the people rejoice.
@jchrisfudge: my wife is going to walk down the aisle to the #gameofthrones opening music»
Glass Half Full says, “At least it’s not The Rains of Castamere.”
@AntTheDolphin: #GameOfThrones SO SHUT THE FUCK UP
So we open at Winterfell and—Oh My Freaking God.
@theongreyjoys: Here comes the Theon hate.
@beximilian: Bathing in the bitter tears of Theon haters hahahahahahahahahaha #WeDoNotSow
@akpierce: I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, THEON APOLOGISTS.
Yeah. This was the typical response:
@siix0_beautiixo: Fuck you Theon. Fuck you Theon. Fuck you Theon Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you.
@faboamanto: Theon you scum
@a2whimsy: “Prince Theon” my ass #traitor
@russiankoolaid: “I’ve taken Winterfell. I took it.” SHUT THE FUCK UP THEON WE GET YOUR POINT
@MercifulMalacai: Seriously Theon STFU.. I knew this was coming but I am SO MAD
@sjc_jackson: lmao what victory? you overtook a village of 10 people being looked over by a 12 year old…sit down
@angieindmorning: Theon, Theon, it rhymes with I’ve made a huge mistake.
@reecyKup: Um, you overtook a handicapped little boy. Punk ass!
@Adele_Jones1: THEON no respect for you fool
@badnecklace: Did they really have Theon say he’s “occupying Winterfell”? ROTFL. Dying. Seriously
@Veruca_K: Said it before and I’ll say it again. Theon is the poor man’s Mick Jagger.
@xoamelia: Theon is kind of the Pete Campbell of #gameofthrones
Hell’s bells, Trudy!
@AKA_Qthulhu: Wouldn’t have happened with the hardcore Starks guarding that courtyard.
I’m putting this on Robb. Or Rodrik, who took 200 men south to Torrhen Square, leaving like… 19 people at Winterfell. It’s fine, though. Rodrik paid for going south.
And for not teaching Theon how to properly wield a sword.
@YaraGreyjoy: Scalp his sideburns!
@AFchris77: Sir Rodrick!!!! NOOOoO!!!!
@schreiltalk: I think I’ve cracked the code. If you have cool facial hair, you die.
And then a lot of people started crying. And I don’t just mean onscreen.
@xcasssi: Holy shit I’m fucking balling. :(
@MercifulMalaca: Crying a little tbh
@BigDamnHerosSir: Oh god, Bran screaming in the background was a really good touch. Yikes. Little teary
@PhilBongiovanni: This show never fails to piss me off
@PinktheElephant: I don’t think I can watch #GameOfThrones anymore. Its too upsetting
@tmoatz: Well someone’s already dead and I’m already crying
Pretty emotional. Even FaBio was misty. Alfie, Isaac, Donald, Ron … even Art freaking Parkinson. Every single person in that scene sold it. Nails!
@thronecast: Actually – with all due respect to Ser Rodrik, didn’t he TRAIN Theon in swordfighting back in the day? Took Greyjoy four swings! #toosoon?
@134Lounge: Only bitches take 4 swings.
@JoeBuffaloWins: wow. Greyjoy has lost it.
@BridgetWoj: That was the worst beheading I’ve ever seen.
@remuslupin: lol rickon you actually had a line
A silver lining to every cloud.
@Lucid_Dragon: Damn he should have at least sharpened that sword first. Theon kicked that old mans head off! O_o
@SCHirst: He kicked the head!! Took him long enough.
So we’re whisked north of the Wall. The “True North”…
@AKA_Qthulhu: Iceland looks better by the minute.
@beximilian: Occurs to me now how stupid it is to have a scouting party meant for an ambush scamper about in the snow in full black #wut
@TheCarpetIslava: Ghost Don’t need to listen to you Jon Snow! He Do what he wants!
Ghost do what Ghost do.
At Harrenhal, Arya plays waitress to Lord Tywin Lannister, and it occurs to me should might be quicker on rollerskates. And I thought this because I’m older than most of you whippernappers. Get off my lawn!
@City_Blind: I love Arya’s smiles of barely contained rage.
@aprilglick: Oh @Maisie_Williams, I want you to win an Emmy. So perfectly expressive for Arya. #feelings
@GameOfRos: Ok, Tywin. The polyester skirt is forgiven. #UntilNextSeason
IT’S A SASH.
Littlefinger teleported in…
@HEELSherrod: Little Finger showing up dressed as an extra from Something Funny Happened on the way to the Forum
IT’S A SASH.
@apsiva: Run Arya run, little finger will sell you out!
@TitanConBelfast: Littlefinger/Tywin/Arya scene was excruciating to watch Not sure if it was cause I was afraid he’d recognise her or cause it was all made up
@mebes: why the fuck is Littlefinger everywhere in this show except where he is supposed to be in the book?
@Werthead: @TitanConBelfast My problem is how the hell did LF get there? Helicopter? if he needed authorisation, why not go to KL which is much nearer?
@TitanConBelfast: @Werthead you knew what I meant. Geographically it made absolutely no sense for Littlefinger to be there
@Werthead: @TitanConBelfast There are times when TV Westeros feels about 17 miles across maximum.
@russiankoolaid: Littlefinger must fucking teleport or something
Okay, I admit I am fond of the “Littlefinger teleports” jokes, but if we’re being serious a moment…
SOAPBOX TIME: This show specifically avoids the mention of the passage of time. This is built into the very bones of the tale; even seasons aren’t measurable. Very rarely—if ever—do we hear days, weeks, or months specifically mentioned in relation to other events.
Sure, Littlefinger scooted his fanny from the Stormlands, over to Highgarden (presumably), past King’s Landing (avoiding Tyrion and his Machiavellian machinations) and north to the Riverlands, finally arriving at Harrenhal.
How long did that take, exactly? In between Littlefinger’s last scene in last week’s episode, the following happened: Tyrion discussed Renly’s death with Cersei (they’d gotten the raven by that time, obviously); Stannis took over Renly’s army; Tyrion arranged for his personal monopoly of wildfire; Theon sailed from Pyke for Torrhen Square and took it; Arya established herself as Tywin’s cupbearer and notched her first wish-kill; Bran sent Rodrik with men to retake Torrhen Square; the Fist of the First Men was reached by the Night’s Watch; Daenerys established herself comfortably in Qarth; Theon took Winterfell.
Only after all that does Littlefinger arrive at Harrenhal. The length of a one-hour episode, sure, but how long, really? Could have been half a bloody year. Christ, he could have taken a pleasure cruise there.
(And how the hell else do you account for the kids growing up so fast? Time’s a-passing, folks!)
You’ve been schooled. Leave your homework on my desk before you go. I’ll be making like my 9th grade algebra teacher and sneaking a sip from my flask before next period.
Meanwhile, Jon Snow has an interesting encounter…
@dieslaughing: REDHEAD WILDLING GODDESS ALERT!
@AlehAutumn: YGRITTE! My precious Ygritte!
@HeyJacquiDey: YGRITTE!!!! #YouKnowNothingJonSnow….yet.
@sensatlandsend: Oh hey, Ygritte is that maid who became a secretary on Downton Abbey.
Rose Leslie somehow managed to be on two of the best shows on television. Iain Glen too! Note to aspiring actors: hire their agents!
@zbarry1015: ygrette isn’t as bad as i pictured her when reading haha
Bro, Rose Leslie isn’t even “Hollywood Ugly.” She’s frakking gorgeous.
@kimmiefield: #GameOfThrones Yes, Jon, why don’t you “question” her?
@JonShepherd3: Strike hard and true, Jon Snow, or I will come back and haunt you.
@tehbootyshorts: #GameofThrones :v She never cried in the book. She took it like a man.
She didn’t cry here either! Ygritte puts the “ass” into “badass.”
Uh, in a … good … non-sexist sort of … way.
(That one could get me in trouble.)
@Lucid_Dragon: I hope Jons sword is sharper than Theons. O_O
@thronecast: Okay – I know I’m harping on this, but Ser Rodrik trained John Snow as well! How do we know he didn’t swing wide by accident there?!
@FYWinterfell: Jon and Ygritte are already having the eye sex as you can see…
@MercifulMalacai: Annnd she’s off!
@inkasrain: Run, Ygritte, run!
@Iamrengorgeous: Snow u didn’t listen! Kill her!
@1CurlyHairDiva: Oh Jon kill the bitch!!!
@DanyTheUnburnt: KILL HER, JON, KILL HER! YOU ARE MEANT FOR ME! #iceandfire
@AKA_Qthulhu: Running scene reminds me of Sir Lancelot in Python’s Holy Grail.
I wasn’t the only one who thought that?! A lot of the same scenery flashing by. Sure, it was different scenery. But it kind of looked the same!
@thronecast: I half keep expecting an AT-AT to walk by in the background. Ygritte even looks a little like Skywalker before he slipped into a Tauntaun
Ygritte did not look like Skyw—oh, yeah, she sort of did.
So Myrcella left on her own pleasure cruise, headed for stony, salty, sandy Dorne, there to be betrothed to the heir of Sunspear. Aimee Richardson shed some nicely appropriate tears for the scene… and probably for real, since we may not see much of her until we head to Dorne…
…sometime in the middle of book 4, aka season 5-ish.
We think. Not sure! Would love to see some pre-AFfC Dorne! Don’t lose hope, Aims!
@HighbornGrace: Try not to cry for me too much, Tommen.
Such a sweet prince and princest. Next casting call: Tommen’s kitten, Ser Pounce!
@MantisToboggan5: Time for King Joffrey to teach the young young ones on how to be a playa.
@edgarapoerules: And the Oscar for best scowl goes to…..Peter Dinklage.
And then the shit hit the proverbial shit. And it was well-aimed!
@KingAmon24: Was that a shit bomb!?! LOL!
@god_given_name: Yes to whoever threw that shit at Jofferey
@BeautyNUniq: I call this the Shit Hits the Fan episode
@reinalovegood: SHIT IS GOIN THE FUCK DOWN.
Joffers, never one to back down from a fight, bravely ordered the deaths of everybody as he was whisked away by the white-cloaked Secret Service agents. Luckily for Joff, these guards weren’t ordering prostitutes.
@HoodavilleBoney: This dude Joffery need to be offed
@cocolicious46: When is Joffrey gonna get bodied??? DAMN!!
Oh, and then the High Septon looked like he did a stage dive right into the—oh, ew.
@russiankoolaid: THE FUCK DID I JUST SEE
@Vamp_Vixxen: #gameofthrones just went all #thewalkingdead !!!
@HEELSherrod: Oh damn, they ate Dom Deluise!!!!
Heh. “They ate Dom Deluise.” HEEEEEEL.
So by this time, Joffrey was basically just asking for it. And he got it!
@kwanzaagecko: WHOOP THERE IT IS! #JofferySlap
@thronecast: BOOM! People cheer in my flat when Joffrey gets slapped like people cheer for goals in more football-minded flats.
@DouglasCrisp: Things escalated there quickly. Tyrion as always the voice of reason. They are the 1%. #gameofthrones #occupykingslanding
Speaking of things escalating, we join Sansa, who is being addressed by some of her future subjects.
Ahmmm… we join Sansa, who is being undressed by some of her future subjects!
@DeviDev: Quote of the night… “Have you ever been f*cked little girl”
@Jmh919: Sansa’s having a rough season
@TXBobbumman: Goddamn, props to the kid actors in #GameofThrones. They get put in some hard ass scenes
@funkyisha: childhood ruined D:
@burjz: Ughhh, Sansa. Ugh. You poor, poor thing. Constantly being shit on.
So Twitter was spiking pretty hard while Sansa was being tossed about like a rag-doll. And then it basically spiked to Insane. Good bye Twitter. Hello re-start computer.
@JoeBuffaloWins: The hound!!!!
@karltmeakin: SANDOR CLEGANE: WAR ZONE.
@MercifulMalacai: The Hound is takin a bite outta crime
@cocolicious46: The Hound be killing the SHYT outta bammas!!
@CMR365: I think the Hound just field dressed somebody
@truebloodandtv: Sandor Clegane is such a boss
@mycropht: Yes! The Hound Represent!!!! Rory McCann FTW
@jpglion: Well done, Hound.
So I got back on and the scroll was at a quasi-managable 140 entries per refresh.
Oh, then dude spoke.
@JalinMarieC: “You’re alright now little bird, you’re alright”
And there went my screen again.
@juiimanji: SANSAN. IT IS TV!CANON.
@siriuslyserious: “@GameOfRos: Ros is a SanSan fan. #GameOfThrones” I think I’m becoming one too
@Wee_Birdie: Oh my *fans self*
@LeahMaycock: I do like The Hound. A tortured soul but maybe a good heart?
@LynchLyfe: Awww I think he loves her.
@Wee_Birdie: Totally worth the wait. I may have melted into a small puddle…
@lucia_g89: Omg that sansa scene. I’m still shaking
@Kiftyln: oh my god how can a burned man be so smexy idk
@suleikhasnyder: I love that Tyrion and the Hound have such care for Sansa. Aw. #yeahishipit
@Paco_ICEandFIRE: HE DID IT FOR LOVE, TYRION! HE DIDNT SAVE SANSA FOR YOU!!!!
The San/San tweets were still off the charts by the time shit calmed down. There was a brief scene between Sansa and Shae…
@jmnzl: Shae is being useful?! What.
No one cared. Most of the people were still spazzing out over San/San.
And that was it, I think!
So Jon and Ygritte are now wandering the frozen tundra, and it looks nothing like Lambeau Field…
@ferglius: Jon and his bondage girlfriend. This show took a strange turn.
@scooterbeanbag: Snow and the Ginger need to have hate sex.
@HEELSherrod: “We’ll stay warmer if we stay close.” Jon Snow…I need you to put on some Luthor Vandross and snuggle up to Ygritte…thanks
@lit_and_lace: “Bet you’ll freeze to death before I do.” I love Ygritte.
@MomOfKai: Jon Snow has a thing for redheads. SCORE for all redheads.
@YaraGreyjoy: A Stark always pays his debts.
@dieslaughing: This storyline is already gifting with epic Jon facial expressions. EPIC.
Then came the Snuggle Heard ‘Round the World:
@wandarful: Oh god. Rob Snow trying to get some. Punk.
@AMCatastrophe: Most awkward spooning ever!
@AKA_Qthulhu: Give it a rub to warm it up first, Snow.
@thronecast: I’m pretty sure Jon Snow is getting the most awkward horizontal sub-zero lap dance of all time right now.
@siriuslyserious: “@GameOfRos: Use that sword, Jon. Give it to her. #GameOfThrones” he doesn’t know where to put it
@Paco_ICEandFIRE: LMAO @ YGRITTES SMILE WHEN JON PUT HIS ARM AROUND HER. #ICWHATURDOINGTHURR
@des02_: Jon catching a feeling!
@omh_itsbelle: #GAMEOFTHRONES LOL THAT AWKWARD HUG.
@lugia222: Is Jon so miserable because he ran out of conditioner?
@NiceQueenCersei: Oh Jon. You can awkward cuddle me any time.
@hereliesdobby: Is it possible that jon snow looks even hotter?
@HarlemFaith: John, please don’t tell me you kept her alive so you can spoon with her…
@stephkornblum: lol she’s grinding on him
@MikeRosenzweig: Jon does know the move The Lord’s Spoon.
Mike with a bit of foreshadowing there…
Speaking of foreshadowing, we join King Robb at his camp. He flirts gamely with Talisa, and she flirts back…
@nikki_mariee: Mmmm that Robb Stark is a hot piece of ass.
@AdumbralSprite: I would bow down to Robb Stark. *.*
@FieryAdoIescent: I would bend over for Robb Stark..
@Paco_ICEandFIRE: ID GO STRAIGHT FOR OONA… NOT REALLY BUT DAMN… SHES GORGEOUS. I JUST WANNA STARE AT HER.
@heyjulieann: JOIN HIM IN HIS TENT. WITH YOUR DRESS OFF.
@inkasrain: Legit, I am not usually the deepest of purists. But I DO NOT LIKE THIS CHICK. #TalisaWho
Talisa Maegisomethingsomething. I like ‘er.
And it would have worked too, if it weren’t for that nosy mom…!
@whysoscirrhous: Robb just got cockblocked by his mom
@ReallyAlly: Catelyn Stark: cock-blocking since the beginning of time.
So did this:
@AKA_Qthulhu: News from Winterfell! Unfortunately it’s completely illegible!
@SueThePirate: Roose’s bastard is in the picture. YESSSSS
Reek, Reek, rhymes with… next week?
Guess we’ll see!
Until that time we have Natalia Tena to entertain us with—hel-LO!
@ZedShowgirl: That’s right appeal to Theon’s dick.
@fridarome: Tonks’ Titties… at last.
@Dr_Straker: Just when I was afraid I wasn’t going to see some boobies…boobies!
It wasn’t just boobies, people! This was a full-on nude scene. Have some respect.
@TVDoneWright: #GameofThrones lesson: Men are weak to boobs…..and spooning
@TitanConBelfast: Osha replaces Kyra. But I saw that change coming a mile off
@AKA_Qthulhu: Oh my word
@thronecast: WHOA. Uh… if the next few tweets seem like they’re timed wrong, it’s because I need to rewind something. I missed… er, some dialogue…
@AKA_Qthulhu: Oooo IT job on Stornoway, hmmmmm #UncomfortableSubjectChange
@knownaserin: Tonks, I’m not supposed to see you naked.
@MikeRosenzweig: Oooooooo Tonk’s tonks heh.
@theescortlover: Nice rack on Osha.
@Nat_Daddy01: Savage titties
@cacajuice: Omg Tonks why!!!!
@mazcast: God…Theon screws anything that walks
Thank god Bran doesn’t—
Too much? Okay. Okay.
Back at Harrenhal, Ser Amory Lorch (and I know that only because Arya finally called him by name—blasted Lannister helmets!) was being berated by Tywin for being Ser Amory Lorch.
@HBObiter: I wish my knowing how to read was a big deal.
@YgrittetheWild: “You’re a sharp little thing, aren’t you?” -Tywin Lannister #SharpAsANeedle
@cocolicious46: Jamie is dyslexic….HA
@Paco_ICEandFIRE: SO JAMIES DYSLEXIC? MAYBE THAT WILL HELP HIM… LATER ON #FORESHADOWINGLIKEABOSS
I don’t get it. Anyone?
@KingAmon24: I love Ayra and that name!
@HarlemFaith: Lawd, this lil girl is going to be the death of me. She does TOO damn much.
@Dai_Kitty: Lol at jaqen being all annoyed
@amanda_aldous: Arya Stark is one quick and clever thinker. Go girl!
@akpierce: JAQEN/Arya TYWIN/ARYA GENDRY/ARYA OMG I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT ARYA IN HARRENHALL. #iDONOTmeanships
Jaqen got his usual number of massive tweets sent his way:
@heyjulieann: A MAN CAN GET IT.
@danbendlin: Jaqen H’gar is probly my favorite character of the season so far
@SCHirst: Oh fuck yeah! Just falling through the door like that. A man is skilled at delivering death. Oh yes he is.
@Tiggy4Real: that’s some power . . . dude walks in a room and is immediately dead
@essayarray: I have never laughed harder at people dying
@TitanConBelfast: I had my money on Polliver for Arya’s second wish, but killing Amory Lorch like that was pretty awesome
@Tahrialah: Quite a few deaths in this GoT episode, but that one was the funniest.
@TitanConBelfast: A kinder death than being ripped apart by a bear though…
@politicsismybf: I’m calling BEARPITGATE.
I’m pretty confident that, by the time the Bear Pit does come around to making its cameo (assuming it ever does), we’ll have found a suitable candidate for it.
So Osha rises from Theon’s bed, all feral raccoon-like…
We sort of hope she will just cut his throat. With what, though? She’s naked. And clearly his sword isn’t sharp enough to cut cream.
That’s what grayshirts and their loosely-sheathed daggers are for! (Great scene. Tena is boss.)
@Filippetti: Osha the Iron Island Slayer
So Osha leads Bran, Rickon, and Hodor (accompanied by their two wolves), out of Winterfell and into the wilderness. Don’t they know winter is coming?
@AKA_Qthulhu: …and from here on out it’s all downhill for @KristianNairn’s back.
That’s so wrong. And yet so right.
Speaking of righting wrongs, we join Barbie Dany in Qarth…
@iAmChocolateMan: Daenerys, can I just take you on a date? Like I wouldn’t even try to sleep with you, I just want you to be in my presence.
@m_spad: If I were that Spice King I would GROVEL at that girl #Danybemine
@reginathorn: I like the Spice King. He’s a grammar pedant too :D Hee!
@beximilian: THIS IS MY FAVORITE DANY SCENE SHE IS SO DELUSIONAL #flop #lol
@GameOfRos: I will take what is mine with boobs and … more boobs.
If only we could have stayed on happy subjects, like boobs. No. Dany returns from her audience with the Spice King, to find—
@condelove: They stole the dragons!!!!!!!!!!
@miketation: THEY DONE STOLE HER DRAGONS
Worse was the body of Irri lying on the floor…
@PrudenceWaters: Noooo they killed dany’s gf! Fuck my life!
@juiimanji: DUDE DUDE DUDE NO WTF HBO
@Kifty1n: bummed about irri tbh, im confident theyll get the dragons back anyway
@MercifulMalaca: Irri nooooo wait what killed her???
@SB_Co: Backtrack. Where those Dalthraki lying dead in the courtyard? If so, did ONE person manage to kill all them?
@mrsbbouch: Ugh why did someone take the dragons?! You know that shit doesn’t happen in the book!
@JillianARosen: Who just steals someone’s dragons? #GameofThrones Get your own dragons!
Yeah! Get your own dragons!
And so the episode ended. Reactions were varied—though most of the tweeting viewers were excited in some way, shape or form. The scroll just kept scrolling. Twas abuzz!
@tnsmileychick: Finally took a breath! Damn that was good!!
@BellaKarma: #TheOldGodsAndTheNew was the BEST EPISODE of ANY television show EVER!! The word EPIC was meant for an episode such as this!
@h2theannah: I love what they’re doing with Arya’s story. This show is perfection.
@LoveAnthem: Well I guess they had to make Dany’s story interesting with this season.
@danwardell: Long live Maester Luwin, Ygritte, The Hound, and Arya Stark. What an incredible Game of Thrones tonight!
@rosenbenjamin55: #GameOfThrones is too sick
@OccupyWesteros: Robb Cockblock: Lady Stark. Jon Cockblock: Jon.
@motelsonthemoon: Next week more SanSan. I’m stoked.
@AlfieBCC: I can’t wait until Joffery kills Jon Snow in the next episode of #GameofThrones
Hey, you never know.
Only four more weeks of Twitter recaps to go! I’m a little bummed.
See you next week, Twitards!