(And none of them are any good.)
Hiyo, Twerps! Twitter time again! FaBio is back, comin’ at you straight from the bowels of Washington D.C., where the women are men and the men are scared.
(I think that was a line from HBO’s Veep, also known as “The Khaleesi from D.C.”)
And so it came to pass anon that I, the angelic @Axechucker, with assistance from that rascal @The_Rabbit01 and “Don’t Call Me Ser” @Sir_Davidio, gathered Tweets from here and there, near and far. We selected funny ones, depressed ones, drunken ones, hysterical ones, and altogether ridiculous ones. I would like to note, for perhaps the fifteenth time, that just because I re-tweet something doesn’t necessarily mean I agree with it. This is Twitter—not Tumblr.
Tonight’s little slices of awesome pie were taken from Tweets bearing the hashtags #GameOfThrones and/or #TheBearAndTheMaidenFair. This week we had strong performances from @duckandcover, and wily sisters Hannah and Becca.
And Q was Q. He’s Q!
Let’s git it awn!
So what were various people looking forward to this episode? One thing, basically.
@Incyncago11: DA BEARS
@MercifulMalacai: Bears, bears, and maiden fairs.
@HarleyHorcrux: FOR THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF BEARS
@HoganMcLaughlin: Only a few more hours until Margaery gives Sansa a rose #lesbians #Sangaery
@eriktopham: Grey Worm in the opening: I predict fangirling
@theSamwellTarly: “Strong sexual content” #HAPPYMOTHERSDAY
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY
We opened on Jon and Ygritte as they continued their traipsing south of the Wall…
@munchiee_o: I like Ygritte… She’s so tough yet quite the flirt.
@MexicanMarauder: Jon Snow run away! She’s a psycho!
@HoganMcLaughlin: Jon’s story line is so much more interesting now that he’s south of the wall
@MercifulMalacai: YOO NUU NOOTHIN JUN SNOO
@Trvrly: That soulless ginger is so sexy. #Egret
Further south we caught up with wet King Robb, wet Lord Edmure, and wet everybody else, bemoaning their fates inside a not-as-wet tent.
Seriously, no one saved a towel for poor Edmure. Hashtag: floppyfish
@feellikepdiddy: Robb can’t even dry his own hair anymore? #TalisaProblems
@sheeponthemoon: Blackfish’s opinion on Walder Frey: Yup. Pretty much. Listen to him. Please.
@Sir_Davidio: Lord Walder is known for being patient, luckily!
So Robb ushers everyone out with a peevish “Go away, I need sex” look…
@NiceQueenCersei: Talisa has one job. Cat is not amused.
@motelsonthemoon: OMG CAT SPOKE! And it’s more than one line!
@Sir_Davidio: But Robb and Talisa aren’t going to sleep! That’s not sleeping!
@HoganMcLaughlin: GTFO TALISA
Rough, bro. Who would Robb have sex with then? Himself?
@heathertw_: that looks like such an awkward position robb what are you doing
@heyjulieann: robb should take his pants off
And then, as if by magic…
@spencymos: Hello Naked Robb Stark!!
@SDKacho: Richard Madden, you so FINE! Hot damn.
@Cocoshrugged: Rob stark looks good naked
@YgrittetheWild: Hellooooooooooo Robb’s arse…
@Sir_Davidio: ROBB BUTT!!!!!!!
@heyjulieann: GOD DAMN IT OONA YOUR BODY PARTS ARE IN MY WAY
@becca_diane11: So many butts this season!
@AngryGoTFan: BUTTS #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@thetvpusher: ROBB STARK BUTT! Best episode ever.
@Sir_Davidio: Talisa butt equally impressive.
I’d even argue hers is better. But that’s a matter of taste! And maybe sexual preference.
@YgrittetheWild: So at least Talisa has a nice bum, since we’ve got to look at it for ten minutes while she writes.
@heyjulieann: i take it back oona your ass is killing
@theSamwellTarly: GRRM actually wrote that the camera should stay on her butt for the rest of the episode.
@MercifulMalacai: I want Richard Madden’s butt. Not sexually, I just WANT it. For me. Instead of my own butt.
@aleksandraxx3: Can we all just take a few minutes to enjoy Robb’s ass?
@Cocoshrugged: I want a man like rob stark
@HarleyHorcrux: Talisa is like “oh Robb, come to Volantis with me” and Robb is like “I promise” oh you sweet summer child
@motelsonthemoon: If by mother you mean the lannisters…
@MarkH0893: Robb Stark has bagged himself a worldie
@SeattleSlim: Thinking with that peen, Robb… Learn from this guy, men. #gameofthrones
@NoOptimism: DAMN IT, ROBB!!! STOP TOUCHING HER!!! YOU’RE MINE!!!!
@DEndres361: I want my wife to write letters naked in bed
Bro she totally did. With your mom.
(Short notice, I know, I couldn’t come up with anything better…)
@AngryGoTFan: TALISA IS 8T8UFIOIJHGJFKOIUYHJWOREUYHJEWO0R98UIOWIHDIS98FYEHJKRTOG8YFHNJEKOUDYHQJKOWE98UEJ3KO49YUT5HJKLTOYP0H98GUYEHJ3IO45968UTYRJORUJKOIUJ
That all you got?
@motelsonthemoon: Turns out that Talisa is actually pregnant with a dragon. #SecretTargaryen
@Jaylorr_: WHAT THE HELL?! Seriously what the actual fuck?! That NEVER happened!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING GEORGE?!!!!!
@NoOptimism: DON’T FALL FOR IT, ROBB! SHE’S TRYING TO TRAP YOU IN THE RELATIONSHIP!
@TaTasAndWine: Talisa: you are supposed to pretend to be pregnant first so he’ll marry you. Not the other way round. Dumbass.
@oscar_owen: Talisa has a baby. That’s not fair writers. That’s. Not. Fair.
@DCPlod: Robb and Talisa are so fucking adorable. Which obviously means this not going to end well. #LawOfGRRMartin #gameofthrones” mmhmm.
@Cocoshrugged: Rob stark is hot
@pal0maaa: Also, Robb’s wife has such a distracting nose. It’s too big, you know?
That’s cray. Oona Chaplin has one of the most gorgeous faces on television.
@dumblap: ROB YOU’RE AN IDIOT YOUR WIFE IS A SPY AND YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO DIE IN THIS EPISODE
Back north we head, where Tormund Giantsbane gives Jon the man-to-man talk poor dead Ned never could.
(And it had nothing at all to do with talking about Jon’s mother when next they should meet again.)
(At least I hope not.)
@Kristophius: Wilding sex education with Tormund Giantsbane
@YgrittetheWild: So Tormund, do you have experience with dogs?
@heyjulieann: tormund teaches about sex approximately the way my mom does. #happymothersday
@feellikepdiddy: Thank you Tormund for ruining baby seals for me forever
@TaTasAndWine: Oh Tormund. He talks sexy and my dead heart starts beating again.
@feellikepdiddy: Hey Tormund, I like your beard. #KeshaVoice
@Sir_Davidio: Tormund x his member is my OTP
@ColinVerteuil: In a perfect world, Tormund Giantsbane is my dad, and every morning when we drink ale he goes “Har!”
Still no “HAR”s. We got a “Ha-HA!”
@HarleyHorcrux: Can I get a ‘HAR’ Tormund? NOT A ‘HA HA’
I just said that! Jesus, Harley!
@AKA_Qthulhu: Turds. I should have sent mead to Kristofer Hivju.
Would that make him HAR?
@iWaLKeRv: Aww shit Birdman wants Jon Snows bitch!
@becca_diane11: Whoa Orell and Ygritte???
Might be Hogan’s OTP of the week.
@AKA_Qthulhu: Just warg into her, man. Or warg into Snow. Or both. Eightskins?
@feellikepdiddy: Seriously, Nina Gold did excellent casting on Orell. Love McKenzie Crook #CastingGold
In Nina Gold We Trust.
From there we shoot south to King’s Landing, where Sansa and Margaery have their own version of a sex talk:
@Kristophius: Ooh, now sex education with Margaery Tyrell
@jiodeleon: Margaery/Sansa. The Westerosi version of Sex Ed class.
@StarlightTazou: Sexually Liberated Highgarden is probably the best place to live ;)
@caseykassidy: “Stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns!”–Bingo Lady Sansa.
@motelsonthemoon: SANSA!!! :( my poor bb. You are NOT stupid.
I love Sansa. Number two in my Theon/Sansa/Jaime triumvirate of awesome.
…But she’s a little stupid.
Right now, at least. Give her time!
@kirubreezy: Oh, Sansa….trust me Tyrion is better for you. Loras is gay as Christmas at Bloomingdale’s.
@heyjulieann: sansa, sweetheart, loras was only ever gonna put it in your butt.
@duckandcover: Margaery, your fantastic breasts and walks won’t save Sansa now.
@NiceQueenCersei: Don’t let her touch you Sansa you don’t know where she’s been.
@CRivers_: ‘He’s a Dwarf’ NO SHIT SANSA
@motelsonthemoon: OMG MARGAREY. Shut up. Stop making the Tyrion/Sansa situation okay. #ShutUp
@becca_diane11: Oh “her mother taught her” is that what they’re calling it
@m_spad: Margarey Tyrell is a P.I.M.P.
@TreniseF_RoT: I just want Lady Margaery’s dresses.
@heyjulieann: melanie just turned to me and asked if margaery has a crush on sansa, to which the answer is a resounding YES
@AngryGoTFan: MARGAERY STOP COMING ON TO SANSA!!! YOU ARENT ELLEN!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@KenElizabeth: Sansa and Margaery need to hook up…and then kill Joffrey
@AmperSandDune: All of the Sansa/Margaery shippers just had massive heart attacks.
Inside the Red Keep, Tyrion bemoans his fate to a decidedly unsympathetic Bronn…
@tudor_geek: Woohoo Bron is back!!
@Becca_DP: I would totally marry Tyrion.
@joshyleblanc91: Tyrion and Bronn: total bros
But are they dudebros?
@Sir_Davidio: Marry Sansa, Fuck Shae… Just need someone to kill, Tyrion!
@summerkrauel: “You waste time trying to get people to love you… You’re gonna be the most popular dead person in town.”
Words I live by!
In the throne room, Tywin goes toe-to-toe with petulant King Joffrey…
@Way2Rad: Do you think Joffery made Cersei a macaroni necklace for #mothersday?
@HarleyHorcrux: Did you guys see Joff piss his pants like Hot Pie when Tywin started walking towards him lmao
@lynfor: Tywin Lannister v. Joffrey Baratheon *ding ding*
@BinaDouble07: Sending Joffrey in against Tywin is like sending a My Little Pony in against Chuck Norris.
@lisaloveheartxx: tywin lannister scares the shit out me.
@caseykassidy: I somehow don’t think that your Grandfather is intimidated by you Joffrey, you little shit.
@M2beofRiley: Can poppa Lanister please kick his grandson’s ass. Seems like he’s the,only one capable
@Maughann_Sylvex: Joffrey just got owned! Go Tyson!
“Iron” Tywin Tyson.
@AKA_Qthulhu: Now’s your chance! Kill him with the Ajanti dagger, Numspa!
@TaTasAndWine: Did you see me in that scene? I was behind Tywin. That’s why he smirked. I grabbed his ass.
@heyjulieann: wow, joffrey’s evil AND lazy
@BeautyBrienne: We could always catapult Joff up to the meeting room.
@lynfor: God, I Love Tywin Lannister! Such a BAMF!
@feellikepdiddy: Tywin’s smile is the scariest thing ever
@Sir_Davidio: BITCH JUST GOT COUNSELED!
@indieflik: Hit him Tywin!
@BeautyBrienne: OOH. TYWIN. COME ON. SLAP THE LITTLE ANAL FISSURE. SLAP HIIIIIIIM.
ZOMG Joffers hasn’t been slapped this season at all, has he?!
We swing across the sea and catch up with Dany and her extremely… scary… dragons.
Seriously, man. Those beasties are going to give me nightmares.
Those things are not pets, Khaleesi!
@motelsonthemoon: Damn, those dragons have grown.
@feellikepdiddy: Whoahhh the dragons got big! There goes the budget…
@nicole_gary: I want a dragon. Or for my dog to learn to breathe fire. Ideally both.
@feellikepdiddy: This guy’s eyeliner goes great with his dress
@RyanGirard28: Why does every slave trader wear eyeliner?
@AngryGoTFan: WHY IS THE YUNKAI PRETENDER SPEAKING THE COMMON TONGUE OF WESTEROS!!!?!?!?!!!!! NOTHING IS HOLY!!!!!!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@motelsonthemoon: Yunkai is a wonderful city, filled of slaves, torture, and strawberries. #vaca
@ianjgill: The Unsullied rock my world.
Too bad they really can’t.
@echandl2: Lot of Jumanji-lookin characters on this show, wish I knew their names
@duckandcover: LISTEN. TO. JORAH. DANY. FOR. FUCK’S. SAKE.
@feellikepdiddy: TAKE THE SHIPS. TAKE THE DANG SHIPS. (She doesn’t take the ships) #MereeneseKnotOfBoredom
@Daenerys_TDrogo: Ser Jorah also dabbles as my official tour guide
@AKA_Qthulhu: “Yunkai, the Yellow City. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious, Khaleesi”
@AkelaCooper: Damn, Daenerys is collecting titles like Pokemon cards. #GameofThrones
@BeautyBrienne: Grey Worm is still a babe.
@becca_diane11: Loving Dany’s bored look #overyou
@becca_diane11: Oh shit Dragons ain’t got time for your shit either
@motelsonthemoon: You’re in a middle of a fucking desert…what ships?!
@motelsonthemoon: Am I the only one that thinks Dany is just annoying and thinks she knows everything?!
You’re certainly the minority. But more in the minority for thinking Yunkai is in the middle of a desert. There’s a map at the beginning of each episode, Sarah Marie! Come awn nowwww.
@TheBoySeggy: I don’t even like cats. Imagine going to a chicks house & she’s got dragons in her front room?
@NotTheFakeDigs: Khalessi is the Martin Luther King of The 7 Kingdoms. Except with dragons and not so peaceful and loving.
To be fair, Martin Luther King Jr. did not free any slaves.
But then, really, neither did Emilia Clarke. Though…
@GuyMarzorati: Kaleesi on her Abe Lincoln
There we go.
@shawndromat: Khaleesi’s wardrobe is bangin’ this season. …like for real, Beyonce status.
@AKA_Qthulhu: Khaleesi looks more like her brother every day. FORESHADOWING.
@WoofyMMA: khaleesi is so hot when she speaks targarian
@neverhugaturnip: Ah daenerys is even hotter when she gets sassy
@IrunWithWolves: Daenerys is proof women should run shit.
@BeautyBrienne: That’s Dragon for ‘Step back, bitch’.
@HarryBeason: Wow emilia clarke fucking jesus christ
@yatusabeloco: Daenerys Targaryen can have all my babies
But does she want them?
Well, maybe to feed the dragons.
Back at King’s Landing, Tyrion faces off against an opponent less pragmatic than Bronn:
@feellikepdiddy: Gold chain necklace?! That’s not the gold hand necklace. #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@AKA_Qthulhu: I’M SHAE THE FUNNY WHORE I TURN EVERYTHING YOU SAY OR DO AGAINST YOU, *gasp, gasp*
@NikhitaChhugani: Hahahahah I love shay from #gameofthrones :’) comic relief is always great
Well she is Shae the Funny Whore.
@indieflik: Shae is starting to really piss me off! All she does is moan moan moan!
@GoT_Tyrion: “Solid gold chains, you could buy a ship with these.” Shae: “A ship? Am I going somewhere?” #Women #CantLiveWithThem #CantLiveWithoutThem
@caseykassidy: Shae is starting to display some psycho bitch tendencies, run Tyrion, run!!!
@motelsonthemoon: “What will I do there juggle.” Umm what about ride a pig?!
@_Scorch_: …………….I’m confused. Exactly what did Shae THINK this was, Pretty Woman?
@jamierosepetals: God damn it. I feel for Tyrion. I really do. He always gets the shitty end of the stick.
Thought that was gonna be a short joke for a sec…
Weirdly, outside of King’s Landing, Melisandre sails Blackwater Bay with her new… uh…. boy toy?
@Tree_Phiddy: Melisandre tryna get some of that young meat
@feellikepdiddy: No Gendry, why do you have on so many clothes?!
@becca_diane11: Also I need Gendry’s shirt to be off in ever episode thanks
Please note the above two are sisters. Great minds…
@thosthorogood: Melly Sanders loves her sadistic double meanings
@ColinVerteuil: And I want a show that’s just “Adventures of Melissandre, Carice van Houten singing songs in German.”
@NiceQueenCersei: Melisandre is taking Gendry on a romantic cruise
With his luck it’ll be on Carnival cruise lines.
@motelsonthemoon: “I’m the son of a king??? It’s not Joffrey is it?!”
@cazmadge: Kid from skins just found out he is king…. GET JOFFREY OUT
@theSamwellTarly: Gendry thinks, oh, I can be with Arya now… hmmmm…
@BeautyBrienne: Ned had a daughter, Robert had a son. Their houses should be joined.
@HannahByrne894: YER A NOBLE, GENDRY
YER A WIZARD, HARRY.
I see what you did there.
@Karlosius: Gendry’s little face, bless
@heyjulieann: i’m glad to see that gendry inherited every bit of his father’s intelligence
@feellikepdiddy: @joedempsie ‘s eyes are so pretty. And his face. And his scruff. #gendry
@duckandcover: Oh, Edric Storm — I mean Gendry.
We whisk back to the Riverlands where we catch up with Arya and the Brotherhood Without Banners…
@YgrittetheWild: -waits for Beric and Thoros to break into a stirring rendition of “My God Is An Awesome God”-
@becca_diane11: My god is Death!!!!!
@heyjulieann: HOT DAMN ARYA STARK
@motelsonthemoon: “Death.” Now don’t fuck with me
@BeautyBrienne: And then Arya finds Nymeria and lives happily ever a-…nope. Hound.
@APantomime: Holy shit it’s #TheHound.
@Daenerys_TDrogo: The Hound sniffed out a wolf pup
@becca_diane11: Loving Arya’s storyline
@CeeeJayyy12: Ohhh noooooo, keep your filthy hands off Arya you hound
@Sir_Davidio: Sandor x Arya, my OTP
Easy now, Davidio. The SanSan shippers will come for you.
At Harrenhal, Jaime and Brienne (still garbed in that lovely pink dress) share a moment:
@BeautyBrienne: I hate my life and I hate my dress.
@MrMattPatt: Got such a man crush for Jamie Lannister
@SpiffyGiff: I wonder if it’s too late to get an “I liked Jaime Lannister before it was cool” shirt…
@HeartofFire: Awww she didn’t call him Kingslayer!
@HarleyHorcrux: “Good bye Ser Jaime” omfg
@Tina_MUFC: The way Jaime looked at Brienne when she said “Goodbye Ser Jaime” #somanyfeels #GameOfThrones
@elenagabr: MY OTP MY OTP MY OTP
@Super_Detective: JAIME KISS HER YOU TWAT!!!!!! #otp
Jaime goes outside, where he meets with Roose Troll—I mean Bolton.
@motelsonthemoon: Tullys wedding….. #hahahahahahah #housetrollton
@FYWinterfell: ahahah the lannisters send their regards. #GameofThrones #ihateeverything
@AngryGoTFan: NO JAIME!!!!!!!!!! DOESNT COUNT!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! #REGARDS #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
George R.R. Martin sends his regards.
Back north we go (allegedly) to the (alleged) Dreadfort! This appears to be Theon’s lucky day!
@JaffaCakeQueen: Ah, Theon. This won’t end well.
@BeautyBrienne: Well, wait, Theon might hate his life more than I hate my dress.
@BeautyBrienne: What the Hell. He gets pretty handmaidens and I get one of Fat Walda’s dresses? NOT. FAIR.
@becca_diane11: Nothing like a little post torture threesome
@AngryGoTFan: THOSE ARE NOT RAMSAYS HUNTING HOUNDS AT ALL!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@tremolo_: One of these girls is Ramsay in disguise, just you wait.
@YgrittetheWild: Booby-alert! Possible #Merkin as well?
No merkins were harmed (or even used) during the making of this episode.
(People bitch about the… ah… non-fuzziness goin’ on down there occasionally, but… hey, if Roose Bolton can own a razor, other people can too, I guess.)
@MyNameCED: This nigga been tortured and he worried bout catching one. Lmao
@katrinabianco: yo greyjoy can you stop getting it on while my moms watching? ye nasty.
Because your mom never has, clearly.
@NateBognar: Is Theon in fucking purgatory a la Lost? This shit is getting deep.
@KingRobbStark: THIS IS WHORTURE.
@HarleyHorcrux: Ramsay and the horn again, I can’t
@YgrittetheWild: Whoratio Hornblower?
@feellikepdiddy: Ramsay had a vuvuzela?
@iWaLKeRv: Apparently prison 3 ways even with 2 chicks still end shitty.
@AngryGoTFan: IT SHOULD BE DOGS WITH THEON!!!!!!!!! DOGS!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@ScottLough: Why am I suppose to care about Theon Greyjoy and his large wang? Worst storyline ever.
@daniel_pearson: Safe to say Theon’s having a bad month…
@MsMelissaFildes: Alfie Allen is really perfecting the art of the “I just got hit in the face” face this season. Bravo, sir.
His falls are like… “…Did Alfie just bounce his cheek off of a stone floor? WHY I DO BELIEVE HE DID. OUCH.”
@HarleyHorcrux: @theoncryjoy omg I know I just want to throw a map at his face and hug him, idk
@MR_Stanley45: Whatever fraternity Theon is trying to pledge, it probably isn’t worth it anymore
@pullheadfromass: I would love to find out why the crazy kid is torturing Theon. I have a feeling its only because he likes too.
@luke_jeeves: Well he’s gonna be Theon NoJoy in a minute
Jeeves was correct. Because then the knife came out…
@chiigusa: The fact that I know people in real life that are happy about what’s happening to Theon scares me.
@NiceQueenCersei: Oh…Poor Theon’s sword.
@Sir_Davidio: Welp, RIP Theon’s penis
@heyjulieann: I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW
@phylidelphia: OH SHIT. HE IS GOING TO CUT OFF HIS DOODLE D: i think.. probably… omg :O
@JcanTediBear: Doh cut it off!!! Noo :O
@philbowden: SERIOUSLY chopping someone’s cock off midway through a threesome is a bit harsh!
@kate_pirouette: Greyjoy may be a swine, but chopping his willy off? Owwwww!!!!
@AKA_Qthulhu: Not satisfied with wrinkly old sorcerer nob (Rare), Varys has demanded Theon’s Epic Wang of Rogering (Artifact)
Varys is behind everything!
Also: that wang is actually a purple artifact, level 90, bind-on-pickup. It would do Varys no good.
@robyoung94: Don’t cry Theon Greyjoy, you’re getting what you deserve. I get so happy when you’re being tortured
@HarleyHorcrux: Reek Reek it rhymes with someone lost their member this week
@somedrunkgirl: during my mother’s day visit I finally convinced my mom to watch an ep of #Got with me …and a dude’s dick got cut off
Allegedly! If we’re being technical, we never actually saw him get his dick cut off!
Some critics and fans have panned the Theon torture stuff, but… aside from huge EVENT tweets (Bear pit, Unsullied purchase, etc.) the most tweets I see are regarding Theon. Week in, week out, he steadily gets the most mentions. So even if people squick because of this or that, no one can say Theon has fallen off the map. He’s either imminently popular or intensely unpopular, but either way… Greyjoy has a way of sticking with us.
Man, I love me some Alfie Allen. Very pleased with Iwan Rheon as well.
If I have any negative critique for this episode’s Theon scene, it’s that the two girls didn’t really appear desperate enough to have been working for (allegedly) Ramsay Bolton. A little too chipper, in my view. Maybe he shipped them in, I dunno. Thought they could have shown a little more fear for the psychopath with his hands on their arses. But that’s really my only complaint.
So we return one more time to Jon and Ygritte…
@aja5191: South of the wall, Ygritte is kind of an idiot.
@AngryGoTFan: WINDMILL!?!??!?!?!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!?!?!??????!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@pltownsend: U NO NUFFIN JON SNURRRR
@AngryGoTFan: WISH I COULD SEE YOU IN A DRESS SO I COULD TEAR IT OFF YOU #JONSNOWPICKUPLINES #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@motelsonthemoon: Whoa Jon Snow…that’s aggressive….don’t be tearing dresses.
@AKA_Qthulhu: …I know that windmill.
Biblically? Have you had “relations” with it?
@_HayleyGood: Can’t handle Jon and Ygritte’s hotness
@motelsonthemoon: OMG, when did #GAMEOFTHRONES become a rom/com…cause I can’t take this show seriously anymore.
@becca_diane11: Wow that’s like the longest speech I think Kit has made on this show
@oscarGosei: Oh my fucking God, Ygritte and Jon are so fucken boring I rather watch the fail Theon get tortured
Dude! I think these past two episodes have been them at their strongest!
@theoncryjoy: if you don’t like Ygritte, I’m judging you so hard
We catch up with Bran and co. and their northward trek…
… but of course the only person anyone wants to even talk about is:
@HBO_UK: WE SPOTTED A HODOR!
@AngryGoTFan: WORST HODOR EVER #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@feellikepdiddy: Tent Building 101 With Hodor #Hodor
@MercifulMalacai: Ha! THAT was the best “Hodor” from Hodor ever! I’m in love with Kristian Nairn!
@AKA_Qthulhu: “Hodor” EPIC. A GRRM written line, no less!
@Sigmax27: Hodor is like the first human Pokemon
That’s a large Pokemon.
@caseykassidy: Hodor isn’t much for conversation. I like that in a man.
@eriktopham: Contemplative Hodor is my favorite Hodor.
Seriously, people. Your Hodor obsession is as bad—if not worse—than your Hot Pie obsession.
(Though I love Hodor too. So… maybe I’m just talking out my arse…)
Still! There were other people in this scene:
@SuzzzzW: Osha isn’t even with Bran. Ugh. Changing fuckin storylines kills me!
@BinaDouble07: Seriously? No dream on a weirwood stump? Et tu, George?
@YgrittetheWild: You didn’t fall from the tower though, Bran. Jaime Lannister shoved you. #justsayin
@BeautyBrienne: …Osha had a man named Brony?
I call my brother Broseph.
@lymabeann: Natalia Tena is incredible.
I enjoyed her scene! Isaac’s part too. Osha should argue with Bran more often.
And so we end with Jaime once more, as he confers with Qyburn on a lovely green hill…
@AKA_Qthulhu: That hill’s seen a lot of use.
A good Irish hill!
@Sir_Davidio: Qyburn is kinda a creep, but he’s a creep for SCIENCE
@indieflik: Damn Jamie’s stump is wincing sight!
@YgrittetheWild: Oi, Jaime! Want to play Stump The Band?
@katrinabianco: YECH JAMIE THAT IS A DUTTY STUB
@AaronColborn: Jaime Lannister has turned into a rock star. I don’t even care that he used to fuck his own sister.
And what better scene to end with than something that hearkens to the episode’s title?
@jflotv: You save your woman, the one that’s not your sister, Jamie!
@NiceQueenCersei: Brienne is going to be entertainment. Like she isn’t already.
@TaTasAndWine: Oh look, it’s Bri. And HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
@lyleshane9: A fucking bear!?
@BeautyBrienne: Although this is probably the closest I’m ever going to get to a hickey.
@dynamoe: I’m sick of the excessive nudity on #GameofThrones. Put some clothes on, bear!
@StarlightTazou: clearly the bear hates that dress as much as I do.
@sheeponthemoon: Didn’t expect the ep title to be literal but….wellll…
@AKA_Qthulhu: FFS, it’s not enough they had a Snow Patrol cameo, but GENTLE BEN?! #JumpedtheShark #JumpedtheBear #JumpedtheBEARSHARK
@DCPlod: OH MY GOD – Locke gave her a wooden sword to fight a bear? Bastard.
@becca_diane11: Aw man that bear wants him a piece of Jaime! Get in line Bear! I’ve got dibs
@SteveBest79: I’ll accept your redemption now Jamie. Losing his hand is the making of the man
@brannonhutchins: STOP MAKING ME CARE ABOUT THE KINGSLAYER!
@Sarah_skis: Jamie lannister seems to have found his heart. That’s a bit surprising. #gameofthrones
@The_Last_Slayer: COME ON JAIME
@becca_diane11: The Lion vs. the Bear
@Sir_Davidio: “Jaime! Give me your hand!”
I see what you did there.
@DebsPR_Lizzie: Yes Jamie Lanister, what a lad! Even if you do have sex with your sister
@KirstyNumbers: Aw, that was disappointing. Brienne kicked arse in that bit of the book.
Little Bart has fans:
@thosthorogood: Fuck YESSSSSS brilliant scene, brilliant fucking bear
@Speirs506PIR: Bart the Bear really showed some acting chops.
@marvin_salguero: I’m really pulling for Bart the Bear to get an Emmy nod for tonight’s performance
@ElTremendo: #HARRENHAL GRIZZLY FOR BEST ACTOR #GOT #GAMEOFTHRONES #HEYBOOBOO
@MaritoRio: The bear had a better performance than Shae.
To be fair, Sibel Kekilli didn’t have a roomy bear pit to work in. That room was positively medieval!
@tasieD: I want Jaime Lannister to save me from a bear
@Brettzky04: Jaime Lannister is dope #gameofthrones #crazyseason
@SarieJanae: Jaime Lannister, you are pretty freaking awesome and I think I love you.
@helenbedd2: Jamie Lanister, I kinda love you now.
@ReallyAlly: Jaime Lannister is a classy bitch.
@becca_diane11: Aw Jaime so many feels! I love Nikolaj so much!!
@lynfor: I could cry right now~ so proud of Jaime Lannister rescuing Brienne of Tarth :’)
@feellikepdiddy: I liked Jaime Lannister before liking him was cool… #hipstergameofthrones #BOOKBURNERMISTAKES
@savetheskins: Jaime Lannister: from one of my most despised to one of my favorite fictional characters in a span of 3 seasons.
@lizzydduncan: Damn it! Running out of Lannisters to hate
@duckandcover: “Thith isnth ovah, Kingthlayer.”
@BrandonSalmon: That ending was intense, is Jaime now gonna call himself The Bearslayer?
No bears were harmed in the making of this episode.
So! Overall reaction was mixed.
@wopgenius51: What a dogshit episode
@JasNeetho: WHAT AN ENDING!
@AngryGoTFan: WHY IS THAT BEAR ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! SHUT UP PETA!!! COWARDS!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@elenagabr: SOBBING AND CRYING AND WEEPING.
@AngryGoTFan: THIS EPISODE HAD LITTLE AND LESS TO DO WITH GRRM!!!!!!!!! #LITTLEANDLESS #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
@AngryGoTFan: WHY GRRM WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!!! #BETRAYAL #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
Angry GoT Fan, everyone.
@aboldish: I want the S3 soundtrack. That is all.
@HarleyHorcrux: GO LISTEN TO IWAN RHEON’S MUSIC NOW, BEFORE RAMSAY COMES ALONG AND ASKS YOU WHICH BODY PART U NEED THE LEAST
Iwan is an excellent musician!
@AKA_Qthulhu: Not pictured: The night David & Dan drank 5 bottles of stolen mead and recreated Arya/Syrio fencing scenes with Hodor’s hodor & Theon’s eel
@rsschuster: I’m glad Pete saved Peggy from that bear. #madmen #toomuchtv
Incorrect! Clearly Theon is the Pete Campbell of Westeros.
@darryldarryl_: That bear is still hungry
He did look irritated at losing his dinner.
Else that bear represented Tumblr and Jaime/Brienne was his OTP and he was mad they didn’t…
… You know.
Next week: less kissing, more killing! Sam looking badass! Daario!
Will Daario have a gold tooth? Angry GoT Fan will be watching… and waiting.