Oz of Thrones: Hola from your Unsullied leader, Grey Oz Worm, coming to you from an undisclosed location where there are many bikini-clad women, shirtless men, plentiful adult beverages, and hopefully some epic music from a plethora of bands (ten points to whomever can guess my locale). In fact, as you read this, I am probably standing in the middle of a bunch of twenty-somethings jumping up and down and raging, or whatever they call it. They likely think that I am too old for this shit, which is probably accurate. But I would submit to you that no one else where I am has a walking cane that doubles as a beer holder, and that comes in handy.
The Theon Rule: Please make note that the Theon rule is in effect for this post. If you are unaware of this rule, it simply states that no one, not even myself, can speak his name the rest of the post or in the comment section. Doing so will demerit you ten points. On Monday’s Newbie Recap, WiC contributor Ours is the Fury had to step in and squash some spoilers as well as some speculation that could lead to spoilers. Let’s not do that to him this weekend.
Instead let’s try and put this situation with aforementioned character to bed for a bit: The Sullied know what happens in the end. The Unsullied have no clue. A lot of viewers-only may have a theory on who is torturing said character based on visual and spoken clues. Some may not, and there is a fine line between spoilers and speculation that could lead to spoilers. With that being said, let’s not beat the dead kracken anymore and instead hope for resolution, which is likely the only thing that will stop the _______ theories. If you feel the uncontrollable urge to talk about Minus Penis, then answer this question……
Why do I feel sorry for Jaime and all that he has endured this season, and I have little to no remorse for that other tortured guy whose name I mustn’t speak? And does anyone else share the same sentiments or am I just a heartless Jon Snow?
Westerosi Want-Ads/ King’s Landing Klassifieds
If Westeros was real, would it have a newspaper? And if it had a newspaper, wouldn’t it include a classified section? If so, here is what might be currently listed:
- The Hand of the Kingslayer: Looking for a piece of Westeros history to hang on your wall, or to put in a shelf box for all your friends to see? Look no more. The Hand of the Kingslayer is an actual hand, autographed (although you can’t read it since he was right-handed) by Jaime Lannister himself. Auctions start at one copper each (but it will cost you 60 coppers per one copper bid) on kingquibids .com.
- Notice of Foreclosure, default having been made in the indebtedness secured by the Iron Bank of Brothers executed by Kraznys, a single, slave trading, potty mouth man (deceased and grilled to perfection), for the property located on the coast of Essos, most recently referred to as “Astapor”. Notice is hereby given that property (and what is left of the city) will be sold at public outcry, to the highest bidder for gold, in front of the Slavehouse at Yunkai, so long as there are no Dragons on a Couch blocking the entryway to the city.
Free To A Good Home
- A Hound: This wonderful guard dog has been trained by the best and is ideal for protection of castle and property. Lacking in social skills, this Hound is not necessarily a suitable companion by any means, and his loyalty is somewhat marginal. He does not like to be petted, or warm cozy fires. On the upside, he is a veteran of protecting a King and Ladies, but only if he likes them. He is known for killing young boys, and kidnapping young girls. OK…. more negatives than positives. But what do you expect for free?
- Personal Hodor: Woman looking to purchase or trade for a personal Hodor, or a big, burly man of the same type. This includes doing chores and heavy lifting; carrying a woman from place to place; being allowed to snuggle up against the big teddy bear since winter is coming, and most importantly can speak only one word and is incapable of arguing with a woman who is always right. My dream man! Please apply in person!
- Wedding Planner: Seeking a qualified applicant who is organized and willing to travel and work weekends. Currently five area weddings planned with potentially more to come. Must be friendly, outgoing, and willing to work with brides and grooms who may not necessarily want to be locked in matrimony. Benefits include flea-bottom pay, paid travel via mule, and meeting Lords and Ladies you would otherwise only dream about meeting. Risks include, but are not limited to, losing your head.
- Fire Starter/Fire Maintainer: Lonely, cold couple with infant seeks experienced fire starter/ fire maintainer for long walk to the Wall. Benefits include getting to hold a baby, staring at dragon glass, and hearing an overweight Crow sing.
- Moving Target: Entry-level position available as living/moving target for King Joffrey and his new, extremely accurate crossbow. Benefits include excellent pay, getting to meet the King and the eventual Queen, access to a Maester, and quick promotion……. If you survive.
- Brothel Employee: LITTLEFINGER SAYS COME WORK FOR ME, AND CLIMB THE LADDA!!! New opening! Brothel employee needed to start immediately to replace recently deceased employee (Don’t ask). Send a Raven Resume to Lord Baelish, aka Littlefinger, and get ready to climb!
Looking Forward Ep. 28
How about some closure to one of the following:
Arya: If anyone deserves to be in good place right now, it’s our little warrior princess. Arya has been through the ringer: lost her father, taken away from her sister, unable to find her brothers, and has been split from Pie and Gendry among other things. Seeing her reunited with Rob and Cat would be a nice, temporary break from the inconsistencies in her life. But now she is with the Hound, and who knows what he may have in store for her.
Bran to the Wall?: It seems as if our Stark buddy and his brother have been traveling to the Wall for a while, and making very little progress. I am not sure where this story line is going, but it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if we got there and moved forward with it. Jojen also intrigues me, and a little more screen time involving him with some meaningful movement would be much appreciated.
That Greyjoy Guy: Shall we say anymore about Minus Penis? Let’s not, and hope that the reveal and other answers are given……. Soon.
A Wedding: With five on the schedule, let’s get one out of the way. I am not naïve enough to believe that all five will actually take place, but getting one done would be a good move if for no other reason than not having to speculate on all of them during the offseason.
Other Notables: In the preview, Tyrion looks pissed. It would appear as if Tyrion and Joffrey have some type of disagreement, and Paw Paw is coming to step in. That scene alone looks fantastic.
Will Dany free the slaves of Yunkai? Probably. But I imagine it will come at a cost. And will it be worth it?
What is about to transpire with Gendry and the Red Woman? Blood? Sex? Magic? Shadow Baby #2?
Will Rob find out what Bolton has done with Jaime? And what will be his reaction?
What is about to happen with Sam, and is there more to his story line than we expect? A man can hope so.
And finally, will we see Lysa Arryn before the season is over? Please, by the grace of the Seven, make it happen.
What are you looking for closure to before the end of the season? Remember, a man and many of his army are Unsullied, so please for the love of the Seven, NO SPOILERS!!!!
Hasta Luego! A man is off with Ozzette to take in some tunes from bands, most of which I have never heard of, and to consume copious amounts of ale. Wherever you are this weekend, I hope you and yours have a great one. A man will see you Monday for the Newbie Recap of Episode 28 before GoT goes on Spring Break. Whatever is in your future this weekend, a man wishes you peace in your realm. -Oz