Oz of Thrones returns… and he is now a full-fledged contributor to WinterIsComing.net! The people have spoken and they want Oz to stay on as the voice of the Unsullied for this site and we are more than happy to oblige. Look for more posts from him during the off-season, providing his signature mix of humor and a fresh take on this show we all love. Here he provides suggestions on how to kill time during this Game of Thrones off-season.
Oz of Thrones: How in the Seven hells is everybody? Your village idiot/infrequent insomniac/semi obsessive-compulsive/realm jester/resident non-book reader of WiC has been made an official member of the team. What in the world are they thinking? (In the light of the Seven, forgive Winter and the Gang, for they know not what they do).
In all seriousness, I am honored to be officially a part of this great site. The readers were a huge part in making this happen and I sincerely thank you all (even my friendly grammar overlord commenters!). Most of all, I thank WinterPhil and Company for allowing me to be a small part of the WiC community. These Lords and a Lady are all professionals and make it possible for Unsullieds like myself to enjoy this site without the worry of being ruined by a small contingent of Sullied who can’t wait to tell us what happens in the books. Cheers to you! I owe each of you a fine dinner and an Iron Throne Blond Ale (if we can ever find any).
Speaking of comments, here is a friendly comment from John. Give it up for John! You all know John…..
plus you have to swear by the old Gods and the new (I hope you are not one of the Red God?) that you will return for season 4, as Unsullied as ever ;-)
I am now sworn by oath to John and all of the fine readers of WiC. Here it is:
I do solemnly swear by the Old Gods and the New, that if therefore WiC and Company have me return, I shall remain Unsullied and will refrain from visiting those Boards of Spoilery forums, wikis of ice and fire, and other websites and/or literary documents that may decay the shock and awe of future Episodes of Game of Thrones forthcoming. I swear this oath from this day, until my last day. Signed in blood…. -Oz
And so it is written.
No Game of Thrones. We knew these empty days were coming, and they came fast and with a vengeance. So, are you suffering from withdrawal symptoms? Despair? Post Season 3 Depression? (Also known as PS3D…. not to be confused with the unreleased Sony Playstation 3D version, which as far as I know does not exist anyway). Fear not! Your Unsullied Leader is in the same boat, so let’s row together.
Here are a few activities (serious and not-so-serious) that you can do to help pass the time. Admittedly, most of these are not good exercises in killing time unless you insist on getting in trouble with the local authorities (see disclaimer at the bottom).
Having said that, if you have any suggestions on good shows to watch, books to read (excluding ASOIAF for the Unsullied), games to play, or any otherwise useless forms of human entertainment in which to partake, please share! Some of you don’t have two small Ozlings to chase around and keep you busy, so use this post to spread some joy.
By the way, has anyone played the Game of Thrones game for PS3 or Xbox? Just curious to know if it was worth a look.
On to the countdown…….
10. Read a book. Since the Unsullied are warned to stay away from the original series of books to prevent the always-lurking spoilers, we must find other alternatives. I got this gem for Father’s Day:
If you are unfamiliar with “graphic novels”, they are basically hard-bound, glossy paper comic books. GRRM wrote the Preface therein and gives his description of the “graphic novel” and tells of his love of comics as a child. WinterPhil has told me that it is a safe read in terms of spoilers, so I am pumped! The book is of course based on a portion of the first novel, and was organized, written, and cut by Daniel Abraham. The illustrations were drawn by Tommy Patterson, and they are absolutely stunning. I am looking forward to getting into it, and might possibly do a book review of it later if you guys are interested (Earth shakes, Hell gets oddly cooler).
9. Go back and rewatch the entire series and count how many times Iain Glen (Ser Jorah Mormont) says “Khaleesi”. Then call all of your non book-reader friends and give them hell about calling Daenerys “Khaleesi.”
8. Drinking version of #9: Steadily drink ale or wine whenever someone is shown drinking in the show. Drink a shot of your favorite liquor for each time “Khaleesi” is repeated. For each time the word is yelled or stretched out (Khaaaaaaleeeeesssiiiii), take two shots at one time. Good luck making it past the end of Season 2.
7. Torture Version: Follow all instructions in the drinking version, but you can only relieve yourself when Hodor says…. well, you know.
6. Dress up in your favorite Game of Thrones costume. Go to Walmart. Run down the aisles and yell “WINTER IS COMING!!”. Make sure you do this in the middle of Summer. See your picture the next day on peopleofwalmart.com.
5. Go to a nice restaurant and request these items from the waiter or waitress, without pausing and while staring down at the menu. Point to specific items on the menu as you order for dramatic effect. In your best Thrones accent, order the following: “I’ll start with the bread and salt appetizer, followed by a bowl of brown and the house onion salad. My meal will be the Flayed Mignon with a side of cheese and lemon cakes and hot pie for dessert. And don’t forget my wolf bread while I wait.” If you are among friends when you do this, do not expect them to ask you to accompany them to dinner again. Ever.
4. Pharmacy version: After running the aisles and still dressed in your GoT attire, go up to the Walmart pharmacy counter tech and say in your best Thrones accent, ”I need to get my milk of the poppy refilled. And I also need the blue liquid that makes the bowels move. I haven’t had a proper shit in 6 days. Dr. Pycelle is my physician.” Then leave. Do not wait for the cops to arrive.
3. Torment a book reader (submitted by Ozzette): Discuss the show with a book reader and intentionally screw up the characters in the scenes. Use vivid details. Example: “That final scene where Jon Snow gets killed at the wedding was just awful. I can’t believe they stabbed Ygritte in the belly. And then to kill his mother Cersei….. oh, I just couldn’t sleep at all.” This should drive them nuts.
3A. Torment a book reader (Oz version): Go to a “book-reader only” thread (don’t read the comments) and discuss the show with something like this: “I still can’t believe Rob died. Catlinn was such a fine woman too. If they had just stayed away from Edmund’s wedding, they would still be alive. I hope Cersay is happy that Jamie is back. And where is Peter Balish? Oh well, I hope Geoffrey dies soon.” This definitely drives them nuts, as they can’t stand name misspellings. Trust me on this one.
2. Invoke Hodor: The next time you and your significant other get into an argument, and that argument reaches a certain boiling point, invoke Hodor. Translation: Once you realize that the argument is pointless and you are not going to win (difficult for us men to recognize most of the time), your response to their next statement, and every subsequent statement is “Hodor.” Granted, this won’t necessarily heal the effects of the argument any faster, but it is much less destructive than continuing the argument and ultimately saying something really bad. Using “Hodor” repeatedly should also end the argument rather quickly. Thank Ozzette for this one also.
1. Rewatch Season 3: The obvious 1st choice. I am already into Episodes 1 and 2, and in my opinion, the Season flows a lot smoother watching them back to back. I would never recommend a marathon viewing, as 10 hours of watching television is healthy for no one. But, if you have the time, watching 2 or 3 episodes in a row seems natural to this Season thus far. My plan is to continue and then write up a “Looking Forward Season 4” when I am done.
**Disclaimer: Neither Oz nor the owner, editor, or contributors of WiC.net are responsible for the repercussions of taking the non-serious suggestions above in a literal sense and actually acting on them. These repercussions could include but are not limited to: going to jail, getting kicked out of Walmart, liver disease, urinary tract infections, being banned from restaurants, being banned from forums, the outcome of domestic disputes, or getting beat up by book readers. It is for cheap entertainment purposes only. Thank you for being smart.
And no offense to my good Sullied friends! A man appreciates you and your sense of humor.
I will be back periodically throughout the offseason with mostly ridiculous banter sprinkled with GoT show stuff. I have some ideas for some off-season offerings I will running by WinterPhil, so stay tuned!
Off-Season Trivia: I have always wanted to know this, but have never asked. The actor that plays the Mountain in the 1st Season is not the same actor that played him in the 2nd Season. Does anyone know what happened to the actor that played him in the 1st Season and why he didn’t return? I figured if anyone knew, it would be one or many of the great WiC readers. 10 points are at stake. Keep your own score.
Until we meet again on the Kingsroad, may there be peace in your realm. -Oz