Just in case you have been too caught up in story lines and incoherently enjoying new episodes of an active Season, here is a dose of reality for you: we are already halfway done with Season 4 (time flies when you’re having fun with Lysa). Soon we will all be reading articles about the brand new White Walker Baby Funko Pop! figures that feature glowing blue eyes and extreme cold realfeel skin (just insert in your freezer at home for a life-like chill when you grab the baby… it stays cold for hours!).
But today is a time for rejoice as we celebrate the five completed and the five yet to come. Here to help set the stage, and in coordination between Winteriscoming.net and Oz Entertainment LLC, a man brings you the 2nd Annual, almost famous, totally ridiculous, back by popular demand, WiC Halftime Show!
And before you take the jump, be warned: it’s not near as good as it sounds…
Short-term history lesson: About this time last year, I was halfway through my inaugural season as a contributor for this here fine site. As per the norm, I was attempting to author another Looking Forward post and inject something that was at least somewhat pertinent to where we stood at that point in the season.
It was brought to my attention that both GRRM and the founder of WiC (WinterPhil, all hail his name) shared my passion and subsequent fanaticism for American football. Granted, theirs is more with pro and mine with college, but it’s American football nonetheless. And the Super Bowl wouldn’t be the Super Bowl without the corporate sponsored, pyrotechnic, wildfire music extravaganza that is the Halftime Show!
And by Red God, if they deserve one, then the fanatics of GoT deserve something. Admittedly it should be better than this. But it’s something, damn ya.
So here’s how it works:
A Super Bowl Halftime Show usually depicts a rock icon singer or band from the 70’s, 80’s, or 90’s (or a Bruno Mars… wait, a Bruno Mars?) performing a medley of their hits with some Solid Gold dancers gyrating around. This got me thinking, if some of the characters from GoT could pick a song to be performed based on where they are or what they have experienced thus far in the series, what would it be? There are millions of songs to choose from, but just off the top of my distorted head, here are some ideas. Oh yeah, I almost forgot…
Disclaimer: Repeat performances from last year are acceptable so long as they remain partially relevant. Also, I always write this post consuming ale, so if you are a misspelling bandit or you enjoy pointing out incomplete and/or run-on sentences, be my guest: I’m hammered.
Song Pick: Slow Hand – The Pointer Sisters
Necessary Lyric Change: “I want a man with a gold hand.”
Reason: She obviously has feelings for Jaime. Unfortunately, he loves his sister. However, maybe she can get her squire to sing this song for her on their journey… if so, we shall call him iPod.
Song Pick: Is There a Ghost – Band of Horses
Logic: Kit usually doesn’t have many speaking lines and this song has like, twelve lyrics that simply repeat. Oh, and Jon just found his wolf.
Song Pick: Poison Arrow – ABC
Necessary Lyric Change: none needed. This is damn near perfect:
“Who broke my heart? You did, you did. Bow to the target. Blame Cupid, Cupid. You think you’re smart. Stupid, stupid”
Song Pick: Shadow Dancing – Andy Gibb
Necessary Lyric Change: “Lord of Light, taking me through the night. Shadow Babies, baby you do it right. Uh-huh!”
Reason: Since Red Velvet has been used sparingly this Season, this song was requested for a repeat performance due to its popularity last year.
Song Pick: Money’s Too Tight To Mention – Simply Red
Necessary Lyric Change: “I need an army because my claim is true. My kid is covered in gray tissue. So I went to the bank to see what they could do. They said, son… looks like the Red Woman got a hold on you.”
Song Pick: Kangaroo Court – Capital Cities
Necessary Lyric Change: “In a dusty room I come to assume, that I’ve been doomed to lose my head tonight, too small to fight. So I try to save the rest of my face, the judge pulls me aside, says, C’est la vie, would you like to concede?”
Also Considered: Murder Was the Case and a repeat of last years’ performance of Mo Money, Mo Problems (Master of Coin).
Song Pick: You’re Crazy – Guns N’ Roses
Logic: While the title itself is suitable for Lysa alone, she picks this song because it somewhat oddly refers to what she might say to Littlefinger. Can’t you see Lysa telling Baelish that HE is crazy?
Actual Lyrics (almost): “I’ve been lookin’ for a trace, I’ve been lookin’ for a heart, I’ve been lookin’ for a lover in a world that’s much too dark. Because you don’t want my love, No no, you want Sansa-satisfaction”
We can relevantly continue…
“You don’t need my love. You’ve got to find yourself another, another piece, another piece of the action”
And on, and on…
“Say boy where you’re coming from? Where’d you get that point of view? When I was younger, I knew a motherfucker like you.”
Excuse me while I go jam the acoustic version of this song. BRB.
Ok. Where were we?
Song Pick: Crazy Bitch – Buckcherry
Reason: In reference to her loving Aunt Lysa…
Actual Lyrics: “We’re going to your place, and now you got to freak me out. Scream so loud, getting fuckin’ laid. You want me to stay, but I got to make my way.
Hey, you’re crazy bitch.”
Song Pick: Stay – Maurice Williams and The Zodiacs
Necessary Lyric Change: “Stay, Just a little bit longer. Please, please, please, please, please, tell me you’re going to. Now, your Jorah don’t mind, and your Selmy don’t mind. Can we have another actor for Daario just one more, one more time.”
Jorah jumps in for a solo: “Won’t you press your sweet lips to mi-i-i-i-i-ne. Won’t you say you love me, all of the ti-i-i-i-ime.”
Serious Halftime Song Moment (because almost all of them have one)
Song Pick: The Dreaming Tree – Dave Matthews Band
Reason: Although not entirely relevant, the title is definitely fitting based on the visions in the show. Bran deserves a serious tune as he finds himself on what is perceived by the viewers a very important journey. And the song is just badass.
Actual Lyrics: “Below it he would sit for hours at a time. Now progress takes away what forever took to find. Now he’s falling hard, he feels the falling dark. How he longs to be beneath his dreaming tree.”
And now back to the Solid Gold dancers…
Song Pick: Tequila – The Champs
Justification: Yes, another repeat. But name another song with one lyric that can incite a crowd to yell “Hodor” all at once.
Necessary Lyric Change: Da da da da da da, da……. Hodor.
Song Pick: Little Sister – Elvis Presley
Reason: Yes, I know they are twins (although, if Jaime was born first then…). Regardless, the son of the Hand with the gold hand liked this part of the chorus:
Actual Lyric: “Little sister don’t you. Little sister don’t you. Little sister don’t you kiss me once or twice then say it’s very nice and then you run.”
Song Pick: Cat Scratch Fever – Ted Nugent
Reason: Good fit, no?
Necessary Lyric Change: “Well the first time that I got him, he was just ten years old. I was just some kitty next door. He went to see his momma and she gave him the cure. I think he wants some more.”
Song Pick: Let It Beaounce – Sir Mix-A-Lot
Reason: Because the word “pounce” is included in the real song.
Actual Lyric: “I love it when ya bounce bounce bounce. Shakin the top, shakin the bottom. Can I pounce pounce pounce. Chasin the boots and then I done got ’em.”
Song Pick: Red Red Wine – Neil Diamond (made more famous by UB40)
Reason: Drunk Cersei can’t be drunk Cersei without it
Actual Lyric: “Red red wine you make me feel so sad. Any time I see you go it makes me feel bad. Red red wine I’m gonna hold on to you. Hold on to you cause I know you love true. Red red wine I’m gonna love you till I die, love you till I die and that’s no lie. Red red wine can’t get you out my mind. Where ever you may be I’ll surely find.”
Song Pick: Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice
Reason: The Walkers are intellectual and could potentially be lyrical poets.
Actual Lyric: “Ready for the chumps on the wall.”
Too cold. Too cold.
Looking Forward 406
I am super pumped about this week’s ep. Let’s dive!
Dany seems to have put together a makeshift throne room in Meereen and has apparently began her “rule”. But how exactly does ruling from Meereen affect Astapor and Yunkai? And dragon lovers rejoice… one of them appears in the preview.
Yara makes her S4 debut looking for what’s left of Theon, and Ramsay looks like a raving mad killer. Is this fight with Yara or the boys at Moat Cailin?
Stannis applies for a loan and potentially meets with an Iron Bank loan officer. How does the banking world translate to Westeros?
Finally, the small council seems to be taking the news of Dany seriously as Varys informs them of her rule. Will Tywin send someone across the Narrow?
And the trial begins! It looks as if the throne room has been converted into a courtroom and Jaime appears to be taking up for his brother. We have seen some impromptu trials by combat in the past, but this will be the first real trial the viewers have been exposed to. And like the banking world, I am overly intrigued on the procedures of a Westerosi courtroom.
I hope this episode is as good as it looks.
That’s it for me today Ladies and Sers. A man is off to a wedding of some folks I don’t know very well where I plan on hooking up my iPod and playing the Rains of Castamere. They likely won’t know what the hell it is, but Ozzette will. And then, she will suggest we leave early. Winning.
What are you guys looking forward to? Holla below, along with any suggestions on songs you may have. I hope you enjoyed this year’s Halftime Show (sponsored in part by Funko Pop! White Walker Babies).
@OzofThrones… look me up, bird lovers.
I’ll return Monday morning for the Unsullied Recap. Until then, be nice to each other and may there always be peace in your realm. –Oz
“Unbowed. Unbent. Unsullied.”
PLEASE, DO NOT POST SPOILERS OR ANY BOOK RELATED MATERIAL IN THIS THREAD.