The WiC Scale: Winners and Losers from “No One”

It’s Friday, and you guys, we only have TWO EPISODES TO GO before the season is over! Once again, it’s time for the WiC Scale, off weekly rankings of the rise and fall of characters, without the benefit of Public Policy Polling. I am here to rank who thrived, who dived, and who just made it through “No One.”

This week, those who sat out includeed the entirety of the bloody North, and points beyond the Wall, the Ironborn and the Dornish. Let’s see how everyone else fared.

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner

Arya Stark of Winterfell, Bitches: I believe Ozzy sang it best, don’t you?

Up

Beric Dondarrion and The Brotherhood Without Banners: Beric lives! As does the Brotherhood! And somehow they even know that there’s a cold wind rising in the North, so they’re headed to meet the real enemy without pausing for any Stoneheart shenannigans.

The High Sparrow: He didn’t even have to show up in the episode to win. His little puppets danced for us in front of the Mountain and then on the Iron Throne, while he got to have the week off.

Kevan and Co: To paraphrase TayTay, he’s cheer captain while Cersei’s on the bleachers.

The Mountain: He got to behead a sparrow like a proper alley cat. And he won’t even have to work in the finale now that the Trial By Combat PPV’s been canceled.

Daenerys and Drogon: I think Dave Byrne sang it best. How about a little fire, Masters?

Middling

Varys: The good news is he got out of town before the Masters arrived. The bad news is he got out of town before Dany arrived.

Jaime: He had to go back to playing the role of the bad guy, the same one we remember from Season 1. But it worked, and now he’s king of the castle, and Edmure’s the dirty rascal.

The Hound: The good news was that he got to murder some people bloodily. The bad news was that he didn’t get to murder all of them that way. And then the take-out bucket didn’t have any chicken.

Brienne and Pod: The good news is that they got out of Riverrun with their lives. The bad news is that look of disappointment on Sansa’s face when they show up without a Tully army. The better news is no one found themselves with their head in a noose having to yell out anything in hopes that Lady Stoneheart will have a change of heart.

Bronn: He didn’t even have to fight, but I’m pretty sure he knows he’s still backing the wrong Lannister. And Brienne left before he could proposition her properly. (Oh come on, you know he’d do it in song.)

Down

Edmure: He saved the lives of just about everyone in that castle (and would have saved the Blackfish too, if the man wasn’t such a damn fool.) So why do they hate him so much? Welcome to Jaimeville, Edmure, population: you.

Cersei: She stays losing. And finally, for the first time, she had to admit that’s what was happening. The bad news for everyone else is that Qyburn may have found something to turn all their fortunes around.

Tyrion and Co: Did you see that look on Dany’s face when she walked in to the Pyramid? Like a mom who came home early from her vacation to discover a kegger underway in her house and a building full of underage drunks. I believe the Fresh Prince sang it best.

Out

The Waif: As dead as the Terminator franchise would be if Arnold hadn’t found himself with Kennedy-sized alimony payments.

The Blackfish: I don’t need to have seen his death to know that he made a damn fool of himself; just insisting on going was enough.

Lady Crane: Her days of making and patching holes have ended.

Lady Stoneheart: Sorry Truthers. Beric’s life means her resurrection never happened. It’s over. The grieving process is hard. Let Freddie Mercury sing us out.