Twitterbladed: Two Swords ReTweeted

One big sword became two smaller swords, but in the end the smallest sword prevailed.

You all know you’ve been waiting for this. It’s Twitter time again!

And by now you know how this goes. I, the fatuous FaB (aka @Axechucker), along with my staunch ally @The_Rabbit01 (no relation to alley Cat) (or Only Cat) and topped off with some added help from my gregarious alter-ego (@KRRCross), gathered from across the ‘verse Tweets worthy of a king. Or a khaleesi.

We grab them during the episode and plop them down here (usually on Wednesdays). We all then get to relive the episode in question. We laugh, we cry, we rail in quiet seething fury.

I mean, assuming it all goes well.

My stars for this episode? Cam is my jam and Lisa Yancy caught my fancy, but Occupy Westeros occupied my heart. Follow ’em at @Cam_Diesel, @Aerynsunx, and @OccupyWesteros!

No more words. Let’s git it awn!

So people were getting hyped for the show, naturally, but let’s check on with Oona Chaplin and Richard Madden first, shall we…?

@OonaCC: #GAMEOFTHRONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Aw, Robb.

@MikeRosenzweig: Public Service announcement: Those Ommegang GoT beer bottle corks fly off faaaaaaaast.

@JonSnowBastrd: Welcome back Game of Thrones, you ruthless bastard.


And that wasn’t even ABOUT Game of Thrones!

Dang, I miss Paco.

@ElaineLua: A glass of juice – checked. a piece of cake – checked. silence at the living room – checked. phone unplugged – checked. Ready!

@Crowley_Hanlon: Really hope Hordor makes an appearance

Nodor. :(

@JillybeanButtle: I apologize in advance for all the nerdgasms today in honor of @GameOfThrones tonight. Well – today and the next 10 weeks. #TaketheThrone

Never apologize. Besides, we’ve got donuts:

@Phoenixs_Flame_: My timeline is just one huge Game of Thrones freak out right now lol

@effingalan: I DVR #GameOfThrones so I can skip all the parts without nudity.

@HarleyHorcrux: I wonder what will happen first, me seeing boobs or me crying

@GameOverRos: My body can’t be ready. It’s decomposing in Blackwater Bay.

Game over, Ros.

This happened:

@MentosUS: How does Khaleesi keep her dragons’ breath so fresh? Prolly with Mentos Gum.

Some people checked in with HBO G—-uh oh.

@Lindsey_Gbomb: The night is dark and full of buffering…[email protected]

@j_christopher_a: WINTER IS BUFFERING.

@JohnnyBGoode: Winter is buffering // HBO GO Is Crashing During The #GameOfThrones Season Premiere

@ProjectMelton: And it looks like @HBOGO is the first casualty of the new season.

@Frosty_Panda: #GameOfThrones fans have officially crashed HBOgo… You would think they would have been prepared.

@YgrittetheWild: And it seems that @HBOGO got up and went.

@norightturnnz: I felt a great disturbance in the net, as if millions of servers suddenly cried out at the load

@Ajordan2426: You had one job, HBO GO.

Annnnnd… we’re off!


@eboldy: Oh, there’s the nudity warning already.

@SantinoG: Nothing’s even happened and I’m already nervous #lmao

Long reminder of everything that happened in past seasons. Probably necessary!

@BeautyBrienne: Yes yes, White Jesus Dany crowd surfs over slaves. GET ON WITH IT.

It started! Two Swords!

@BeautyBrienne: Daaaaaaa da dadada daaaaaaa dee dee daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… w..ait. Where’re the …opening credits?

@anguissette1979: Oooooh. Cold (hot?) open.

Very hot.

@Varsuuk: Noooooooooo not his sword!

@chi_socialite: That was Robb’s sword he melted? That motherf….

@lemoncakepies: ice?!?!?!?!??

@RexDeLaCoeur: So long ICE…

@triSARAHtops_41: The episode just started and I’m already pissed off and sad

@GameOverRos: Ice ice baby.

@thomas_ikehara: Tywin who you so cool

@heyjulieann: TYWIN YOU FUCK

@Mr_Jenesis: God they did destroy Ned Stark’s broadsword…

@raw_tranquility: Watching Ice be dismantled hurt.

Ice is melting but Winter is still coming.

@bexysteel: The opening scene was a pretty effective way of reminding us that the Starks are out of the picture

@NathanWurtzel: This segment of #GameOfThrones is brought to you by steel. Thanks steel.

Rains of Castamere, flowing right into the opening theme music.

Freaking gorgeous.

@BlackGirlNerds: ::Rocks back and forth to the theme song:: #DemThrones


@HarleyHorcrux: THE DREADFORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT

@SayWhatSugar: Not gonna lie, the Dreadfort looks pretty cool on the map. I feel dirty.


@aerynsunx: Ah, so we visit the Dreadfort tonight. And Winterfell is still smoldering. Yet, the Tree still blooms.

@becca_diane11: Still sad to see a burning Winterfell in the credits #theStarks

So this one was written by David Benioff and Dan Weiss… and was Dan’s directorial debut!

We open on Tywin and Jaime…

@RainShannon: No one breaks The Ice quite like Tywin Lannister. Welcome home, Jamie!

Most people just wanted to talk about Jaime’s haircut, however.

@becca_diane11: Loving Jaime Lannisters new haircut

@fatpinkcast: jaime went to supercuts

@LauraEliz1021: Jamie Lannister, like Aragorn, looks much better when he’s dirty and unshaven.

@SansaStarkss: Nikolaj with short hair does things to me.


@cam_diesel: Kingslayer got that fresh cut.

@hipsterbrandi89: Nice haircut Jaime. You look like a little boy

@BigDamnHerosSir: Jaime’s 40? Lookin’ good, son!

@deefalc: seriously where in Westeros did Jaime get such a baller haircut!?

Jaime stood up to Tywin! Balls.

@vivaciousvirgo: Tywin giveth and Tywin taketh away.

@Xtravagentlman: “My bloody honor is beyond repair.” Indeed.

@BlackGirlNerds: He should add ‘sister-lover’ to that lists of names he is called.

@Bilal_Mian: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau continues to prove why he is the perfect casting choice for Jaime Lannister.

@mherr1979: HELL YES, JAIME. Someone stands up to Tywin.

@feellikepdiddy: Gotta hand it to Jaime for standing up to Tywin #JaimePuns

Jaime hand puns will always be reblogged.

We go over to Tyrion, Bronn, and Pod, all waiting for the Dornish envoy…

@taryngolightly: “how many dornish men does it take to fuck a goat?” “pls don’t”

@askjsjhfgsl101: How many Dornish men does it take to f a goat and also what happened to the honeycomb & jackass NEED ANSWERS

@Roc_Star_Don: The greatest fictional character of all time: Tyrian Lannister. #DemThrones

@Sir_Davidio: 100% Lannister episode so far. I’m okay with this.

Large and in charge!

Speaking of large…

@ChibunduNnake: Dang pog got older

@HarleyHorcrux: POD LOOKS SO CUTE

@feellikepdiddy: Well hello, Pod. I see you’ve met puberty

The lad’s certainly more strapping!

@inkasrain: A Dornishman is never late. He arrives exactly when he needs to.

@NeverEnoughShoe: Excellent Tyrion/Bronn action already.

@Sir_Davidio: “Bronn, could you provide exposition for the viewers?” “Nah, Pod can do that”

@cam_diesel: Podrick knows everything. And, apparently, he got that magic stick, according to Littlefinger’s hos.

@ReginaSmall: Part of me thinks Bron will be one of the only people who survives this entire thing.

@bexysteel: WHERE IS SER JORDAN OF HOUSE TOR? #besthouse

@BigDamnHerosSir: Whose sigil is a vulture grasping a baby in its talons?! How is that appropriate to represent your house? Christ.

I dunno, but it’s not MANWOODY.


@im_no_ser: Manwoodys. The joke tells itself. Hahaha.

I believe the heir to the house is Dickon Manwoody.

No, I’m serious.

@apoiaf: Everyone is talking about Dickon Manwoody but no one is mentioning Mors Manwoody. #HouseManwoody

There’s always room for Mors Manwoody.

Doran Martell’s name briefly popped up, which is promising:

@DoranMartell: I HEARD MY NAME!!! #finally #thedoran

One has to wonder exactly how long @DoranMartell has been on Twitter, waiting for just a single mention.

So we finally get to meet Oberyn Martell and his paramour, Ellaria Sand. Shockingly, they’re in a–

@OccupyWesteros: From opening credits to inside a brothel in under 10 minutes! Good job #GameofThrones!

@O_Shaw: The cathouse should always be the first stop

@NiceQueenCersei: And Oberyn Martell is checking out the local talent.


@reppoc9147: Such is the awesomeness of Oberyn Martell that he gets an awesome guitar theme

@mherr1979: One minute of the Red Viper and I already want more Dornishmen.

@MajorPaynEX: Clearly Oberyn aint got much in the arena of morals huh

You could probably say that about any of the characters in Game of Thrones.

Except maybe… Brienne…

Hey, look, it’s Olyvar!

@GameOverRos: DIIIIIE OLYVER. You job stealing knob jockey.

Now now. Jealousy ill becomes you, Ros.

Speaking of Ros…

@Phoenixs_Flame_: Annnnnd boobs

@aerynsunx: Bewbs. We have bewbs.

@bexysteel: Aww #GameOfThrones made it a whole 10 minutes with no nudity!

@taryngolightly: 12 MINUTES IN FIRST PAIR OF BOOBS

@becca_diane11: We had to wait 14 mins for boobs. Is that a record?

Surely SOMEbody kept an official bewbs-watch clock.

@NiceQueenCersei: Ladies and gentlemen, here is Prince Oberyn the Sexy, Kinky and the Whoring. And Ellaria Sand: Sexy Bastard.

@BigDamnHerosSir: “Timid bores me” Ooooh, I like her. #EllariaSand

@Vanny_Del: Dear Indira Varma – Please marry me and have all my babies.

Ellaria has spunk. Seriously digging Indira Varma.

Prince Oberyn: “Do you like women?”

Ros’s younger replacement: “When they look like her, milord.”

(You lowborn brothelcopter! He should be addressed as “My Prince.”)

@cam_diesel: They love them some firecrotches in King’s Landing. First Ros, now….this chick.

The ever-present and irrefutable Sophie O’Brien. Or, if you will, Ros Lite.

@feellikepdiddy: Threesome? Pfft. Tame for #GameOfThrones

@cam_diesel: You have been with a prince. You were fuckin’ Renly Baratheon

Loras! Technically!

@amarettosaurus: “which way do you like it?” “my way” YESSS



@heyjulieann: I’m so turned on right now.

@GameOverRos: Oberyn Martell. Know why his sigil is the sun? COS HE IS HOT!

@Dinkologist: Prince Oberyn is going to be a trip. Casting done well.

@Cybersoulja: The Red Viper is gay, noted. He seems to not like the Lannisters too much either.

@MizCaramelVixen: anddddd our first gay interaction. YUP!!!!

Bisexual. Technically.


‏@JillybeanButtle: RED VIPER! Love me the warrior bisexual hotties

@OpinionessWorld: It’s about time we have more queer characters. Finally, a bi man and a bi woman.

@GameOverRos: ‘I’m very expensive.’ No, Olyver. You are cheaper than a bowl of brown in Flea Bottom.

@BigDamnHerosSir: “Which way do you like it?” “My way.” Oh my god, Oberyn. How do I already need new pants. THE SEASON JUST STARTED, DAMN YOU!

@Rachel_Gidluck: Oh man are we going to have dude nudes in the first episode?

Nope. Just partially topless.

Next we get some singing Lannisters. Silly man brought a sword to a knife fight.

@cam_diesel: Oberin bout to go to WORK on these Lannister soldiers.

@OccupyWesteros: That man gonna die.

@aerynsunx: Clearly, these men are tired of life. #RedViper #ValarMorghulis

@alikidd: This dude is mean…

@NsideMYBox: Why they invite this man to the wedding if he wanna kill everybody?

Well they actually invited his brother Doran. It would be like inviting Bill Clinton and instead getting Roger. In a roundabout way.

@motelsonthemoon: I’m sure Oberyn wants to stab someone, but not with his metal sword.

@SayWhatSugar: This guy is badass, he can stay.

@LaurelStewart: Oberyn could get it BYYYE

@amarettosaurus: legit oberyn is perfect omg

@MeetJaneBlack: 15 minutes in and someone has already been stabbed. I love #GameOfThrones

It feels like Oberyn will stab anyone, anywhere, with anything.

@caseykassidy: Well, those Martells are certainly interesting people, aren’t they?

@Phoenixs_Flame_: I already love Pedro Pascal as The Red Viper

@YgrittetheWild: @PedroPascal1 and Indira Varma KILLING it already. #PERFECT #PEEEERRRFECCCTION

@TaraGiancaspro: Oberyn and Ellaria putting Beyonce and Jay Z to SHAME

So Tyrion and Bronn enter…

@Bobblespeak: “How did you become a knight?” “Killed the right people, I suppose.”

@Catchamyyayas: Bronn speakin truths.

@Varsuuk: I want to see an episode where Bronn and Oberyn hang out in a bar exchanging pleasantries

They kind of did. Oberyn was all, “We’ll need a few more girls, yes?” Tyrion shakes his head no. Bronn shakes his head yes. Sounds like they already see eye-to-eye.

@BigDamnHerosSir: New life goal: be someone’s paramour.

@deefalc: for the record, i LOVE Oberyn’s outfit. #sunspear

@OshaTheWildling: Maybe Oberyn and Ellaria should ask Pod for advice about the local whores.

SO far no sexposition. But Oberyn Martell takes Tyrion outside and invents something new: Threatsposition!

@deefalc: Oberyn, everyones new favorite character. #callingit #gameofthrones

@arieswriter: i LOVE this oberyn martell, no wonder the producers have been raving about him

@Smarmilicious: Dinklage and the new guy are AT it. new guy holding his own… but he’s no IMP

@mariamb18: That was a perfect intro. I waited a long time for it. Pedro Pascal could not have been better.

Pedro was strong.

Elia and Rhaegar were mentioned… casually…

@jongroffsauce: ooooh mention of Elia

@eboldy: “And Rhaegar left her for another woman.”


Rhaegar Targaryen probably has the most fans of any dead character to have never actually appeared in Game of Thrones.

@themystikaal: Just when you think you couldn’t possibly despise Tywin more, you get jaunty little tales like this one.

So we get “Tell them the Lanisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts…”

…right into Dany and her dragons.

@cam_diesel: KHALEESI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@jakeniland: Emilia Clarke is why I watch #GameOfThrones

@deefalc: Dany has been shopping at DSW, nice boots girl

@KindaBigDyl: call me mr. khaleesi hot damn

Ms. Clarke is lookin’ good!

@serg7355: Since Robb Stark is now dead is khaleesi the most likable character

We should do a poll. Brienne might win.

@caseykassidy: Oh, look. Dany is sitting on a beach playing with her dragons instead of invading Westeros. Imagine that.

@Dinkologist: The dragons are all growed up, too.


@IanAlekzander: Motherfucking dragons in the house. Who’s yo Mami?!

@willevanswrites: Look at HBO…ponying up for some Dragon CGI money. Y’all done came a long way from hidin them cats in baskets

@becca_diane11: Also we’ve just used up a good portion of the special effects budget

Worth it though.

‏@feellikepdiddy: Danaerys had a little lamb… And then her dragons ate it

@Llwelleyn: How to Train Your Dragon: Essos edition

@LaurenDeStefano: These dragons are the reason HBO gets so many calls from PETA

Production has assured us that no actual dragons were harmed during filming.

@OccupyWesteros: Ravenous? Growing fast? Snapping back? Oh no. Those dragons are… TEENAGERS. Gods help us all.

@Phoenixs_Flame_: Dang…Drogon is like do not touch me when I eat!

@aerynsunx: To be fair, my cats act like that if I try to put my hand between them and their treats. #DanysDragons

‏@cam_diesel: Drakarys was NOT tryin’ to get any affection right then. You better back up, Khaleesi

Dracarys is technically High Valyrian for “dragonfire.” Dany uses it as a shortened command for “Burn those assholes.”

@fatpinkcast: dragon, rhaegal and viserion are in their teenaged phase but still haven’t been named; that’s why they’re so angry


No matter how you slice it, those fuckers are STILL SCARY.

Jorah is (wisely) hesitant about approaching.

@Dinkologist: Jorah, you ain’t hitting that. Let it go. Two seasons ago.

Dany marches through her very large army of Unsullied looking for Daario and GrayWorm.

@amarettosaurus: “mhysa” “mhysa” “would you SHUT UP??”

@hipsterbrandi89: The only thing Dany does that’s right is having people at her call whenever she wants where do I sign up for that?

@fatpinkcast: oh nice, bowing brown people; almost forgot about that white lady jesus scene… #sonotracist

Fight on, Social Justice Warriors!

We get the introduction of New Daario.

@Kell_RogerThat: Wait, is this new Daario the same guy who played Liam on Nashville?!

Yep! Michiel Huisman. He was on Treme too, and rocked it.

@SayWhatSugar: So, they didn’t even try to make new Daario look like old Daario, that’s hilarious.

Daario grew a beard and washed the dust out of his hair… maybe…?

As to New Daario, I would say opinions were split. Which is actually pretty good for a re-cast. Fandoms despise recasts. Ergo:

@caseykassidy: Why did they get rid of the other, better looking Daario? Booooo!

@ellemejor: I get so confused when they switch actors on tv shows! The new Daario ain’t bad, though.

@mherr1979: I dig the new Daario.

@BigDamnHerosSir: New Daario is *nowhere* near as attractive as Old Daario.

@feellikepdiddy: New Daario, a woman approves

@thomas_ikehara: The new Daario is pretty hot

@heyjulieann: Old Daario was hotter.

@motelsonthemoon: New Daario has renewed my interest in Essos.

@HarleyHorcrux: I miss old Daario :(

@MattfDoyle: The new Daario on #gameofthrones ? Yes. Thank god.

@GameOverRos: New Daario doesn’t look like the love child of Fabio and Legolas. I’m confused.


‏@HVSoap: I’d rather have no brain and two balls – 22 minutes in and the one liners are flowing fast and furious

@cam_diesel: “I’d rather have no brains and 2 balls” Daario always talkin’ slick, boy.

So we get the bizarre holding-up-their-swords contest. Color me underwhelmed by that idea. Would Gray Worm even do something like gamble for the right to ride beside Dany? Doesn’t he have other things to do?

Like, you know, commanding the gajillion Unsullied he was democratically elected to lead?

Back to King’s Landing, where we join Sansa and Shae…

@becca_diane11: Pigeon pie doesn’t sound that appetizing to me either Sansa

@feellikepdiddy: Can we get Sansa some new clothes please?

@lemoncakepies: lemoncakes plsplspls

@motelsonthemoon: She doesn’t even want Lemoncakes. I can’t even.

@danygonebad: Sansa just turned down lemon cake…she must be sick


@juanlozano70: Sansa is not eating. It’s part of her “My entire family has been horribly slaughtered and I’ve lost my appetite” diet.

I haven’t… tried that diet. Fortunately.

@SerMosh: Where is the cheese boy when you need him?


Tyrion arrives, sends Shae away… though not before receiving a rather chilly glare.

@HBO_UK: Oh Shae. If looks could kill. #JealousSideEye

@vogueandcoffee: Oh Shay!! Grow up!!!!

@Dinkologist: Shae is such a bird. This isn’t a game, little girl.

@mherr1979: This Shae thing is gonna go so bad, y’all.

It certainly might.

@feellikepdiddy: They’ve got some great scar fading ointment in King’s Landing

@LHNetwork: Tyrion and Sansa are just the oddest fascinating yet kinda cute couple

@DanODradio: So are we going with Tyransa or Sansyrion for the Tyrion and Sansa marriage?

@FilmFatale_NYC: “I admired your mother. She wanted to have me executed, but I admired her” Tyrion Lannister

@remuslupin: She wanted to have me executed, but I admired her.

That line resonated all across the Twitterverse. Good stuff. Perfect Dinklage is perfect.

@aerynsunx: Ooh. Sansa with a little edge in her voice. ‘Bout time, girl.

@fatpinkcast: collecting #hugs4sansa; send your charitable donations this way #sansastark

@hipsterbrandi89: Sansa believes she is the last Stark and she’s not even a Stark anymore and omfg leave me to die

@ButerflySamurai: Sansa always looking petrified like ‘dis is bullshit….fml’

@RexDeLaCoeur: Omg… Sansa tears. I genuinely feel for her right now…

@inkasrain: Argh @SophieT is so exquisite. My poor Sansa.

Sophie T is a G! (Yes, I finally learned what ‘G’ means.)

@SeattleSlim: Sansa, I don’t know what you’re on, but Tyrion is a cutie. Ride it into Sunspear.

“Ride it into Sunspear” is going to be my new go-to euphemism. Thanks, Slim!

Speaking of well-delivered lines: Sansa gives the “It’s the only place I can go where people don’t talk to me” line with a subtle but lingering look of daggers. I’m loving Soph!

@cam_diesel: Sansa getting a little bit of Arya’s edge to her. That’s that hurt.

@firefire100: Sansa is gonna kill everybody

That’s close to MY prediction.

Tyrion is surprised by Shae in his quarters.

Tyrion looks reluctant even with Sibel Kekkili suckng on his finger. ACTING!

@cam_diesel: Shae tryna get the pipe.

@aerynsunx: Uh oh, Shae. Girl, you should’ve left when he gave you all that coin. #SMH

@becca_diane11: And now we have whiny and nagging Shae

@cam_diesel: Tyrion turning down some pussy?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!

@NoplanBz: Tyrion aint never getting that pussy

@lemoncakepies: Shae cray

@cam_diesel: Shae is maaaaaaaaaaaaadddd

@MeshiaC: Tyrion need to tell that girl she is the side chick.

@NiceQueenCersei: Are Tyrion and Shae having a domestic? Really? And getting spied on. Great.

‏@cam_diesel: Oh this spy bitch. Fuck her. Since season 2.

Spied on indeed! They are discovered by that chamber maid that kind of looks like Peggy on Mad Men.

Inside the Red Keep, we meet up with Jaime, Qyburn, and Cersei…

@heyjulieann: Ugh, Quyburn

@becca_diane11: Qyburn is always here to give Jaime a hand #hehe

@BeautyBrienne: Aw, Jaime’s stump’s coming along nicely.

Not sure a stump can ever come along nicely, being stumps. But Jaime wasn’t the only one Qyburn was caring for:

@BeautyBrienne: Hm. Cersei’s either got herself an abortion or cirrhosis. Or crabs. Or the syph. Or the Gonzo.

@Askjdfkjdf101: Seven help me, but I’m still on love with Cersei. Ok, maybe just Lena…

@heyjulieann: He could fuck her with his stump???

HEY, JULIEANN, JAIME DID NOT LOSE HIS PENIS. He just regained a hand. A fake one, but…


@motelsonthemoon: I wonder if Jaime has the Midas touch now.

@Sir_Davidio: For hands of gold are always cold~

@amarettosaurus: so my mom actually has one arm (born with it) and I just really wanna spray paint her prosthetic gold now.

@feellikepdiddy: Jaime with a hook though… #FantasiesCollide #CaptainJaime

@catttclaw: “A hook would be more practical” the bluths would disagree

Arrested Development / Game of Thrones mashups will always be reTweeted.

@aerynsunx: Ha! Jaime Lannister invented the Royal Wave. Who knew? LOL

@LBrothersMedia: I need Cersi and her bitch ass son to hurry up and die. #DemThrones

@DudeMeisterrr: Cersei drinks like a real housewive

Pycelle smells like a dead cat, sure, but that didn’t get the reaction THIS quote got:

Loras is apparently a renowned pillow-biter!

@caseykassidy: “A renowned pillow biter” HA! I rather love drunk Cersei

@feellikepdiddy: “Pillow biter”? Oh that’s going to catch on

@cam_diesel: First they called Loras “a sword swallower” Now, they called him a “renouned pillow biter”. They got all KINDS of gay slander

Jaime tries for some of that sisterly strange… and gets (I imagine) his first Cersei cockblock!

@Daniee_E: She don’t want him no more… Cuz he only have 1 hand

@gjb512: oh snap. cersei wont let kingslayer tap it anymore

@amarettosaurus: not now? bitch look at him!

@hipsterbrandi89: Cersei and I have similar ideas about who we let touch us….except I don’t have a brother so there goes that theory

@FatPinkMast: Aaaand /there’s/ irrational, paranoid Cersei…

@letsgetfree13: This must be the Worst relationship ever. Cersei is a nagging sister and a cranky girlfriend AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

@AngelaLCollins1: Sooo I can’t get past this brother..sister …thing.

@1YungLuver: She still sleeping with her brother….this show is beyond weird

She’s actually not!

@NiceQueenCersei: Turning Jaime down? That’s new. For me.

@amy_parker_: Even when she’s not being her normal horrible self, I still want to repeatedly punch Cersei in the face.

Now look, if Game of Thrones teaches us anything it’s that violence accomplished nothi—uh, wait.

Anyway, screw all you Cersei haters. Here’s a message to you from Lena:


I got your back, my queen!

Northward we go, joining up with Ygritte and Tormund Giantsbane…

@inkasrain: “If that boy’s still walking, it’s because you let him go.” Matters of the heart, Tormund. Matters of the heart.

@cam_diesel: Ygritte is so hurt. Damn.

@jax1125: I guess getting shot with three arrows is the new love tap.

@SeattleSlim: Ygritte is like “Look. Fuck boy, I gave Jon the business and that mothafucka left meeeee”

@Sir_Davidio: Poor Ygritte :(

@JonSnowBastrd: There’s nothing scarier than a wildling woman who is mad at you. #YgritteIsComing

@BigDamnHerosSir: Fun fact: when Ygritte shot Jon, my father (never having seen the show before) yelled “OH SHIT, SHE DID IT!”

Jon got off light.

The Thenns arrive, with their own deep, warbling Viking horn music. Oh, the music!

(Just let me know if you get tired of me rambling along about the music.)

(I mean, I won’t STOP, but the sentiments are good to know!)

@OccupyWesteros: “Thenns. I fucking hate Thenns.” – A sentence I feel like we’re all going to utter at some point this season.

@heyjulieann: Wow, the Thenns look baller

@BigDamnHerosSir: Why are the Wildlings working with the cast of Dark City?

@Mr_Jenesis: The look like Romulans from #StarTrek

@pattonoswalt: Whoa, did Slipknot’s ancestors just show up?

@themystikaal: Those are some very fetching facial scars you’ve got buddy. Nice designs.

@cam_diesel: They already tryna get at Ygritte . She ain’t been single but for 2 days. Savages.

@Phoenixs_Flame_: I’m not anybody’s #YgritteYouAreAwesome

@GameOverRos: The Thenns. I would. No shame.

Like all of them?

That sounds kinda… Ouch.

@deefalc: The Magnar of Thenn looks like Powder

@BigDamnHerosSir: Oh jesus, he sounds like Xerxes, too. Now I hate the Thenns also.

Apparently the Thenns have their own warg. As well as…

@Luv_Lee_Sol: Don’t tell me that’s a human in the bag…

… their own food sources. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “EATING CROW.”

@D_WOW: Damn Cannibals…

@cam_diesel: Whoa. New villian is a monster. Holy shit.


Hannibal reference! Win.

I heard a rumor that Mads Mikkelsen might play a future Grayjo–

Ahahaha no. I’m just trolling.


@YgrittetheWild: At least the Thenns were nice enough to bring some fingerfood.


Speeaking of well-fed crows…

@theSamwellTarly: So what’s everyone eating tonight?

Sam joins Jon.

@NiceQueenCersei: Jon is lamenting over his lost love…Robb.

@Sir_Davidio: “I-I could never hate you Jon Sempai…” “Oh, Sam-kun…”

@Dinkologist: When Jon Snow smiles…. legs open all over the world.

@heyjulieann: I want to kiss Sam’s face I love him.

Get in line.

@alikidd: Jon Snow…mmm mmm mmm

@motelsonthemoon: “He was better than me at everything.” Besides living Jon. He sucked at that.

Jon meets with Alliser Thorne, Lord Slynt, and Maester Aemon as they attempt to judge him for his un-brotherly actions beyond the Wall.

@OccupyWesteros: Hey, its Janos Slynt! Firmly establishing it takes 2 seasons to get to castle black!

@Dinkologist: So many characters that I can’t even remember who to complain about missing. Yet. I’ll remember.

@inkasrain: I don’t know why, but I kind of empathize with Alliser Thorne. I know he’s a douchebag, but I get where he’s coming from.

I actually predict we will see a softer, gentler side of Alliser this year.

…Which probably means he’s slated for DEAD.

@auset1978: Damn Janos Slynt. I can’t wait until karma comes for you!

@feellikepdiddy: This reminds me of what I imagine a sorority standards committee is like #JudgingJon

@britt_duke: like all of these people are going to deny giants and white walkers even exists until they are killing them.

In brilliant but non-traditional television fashion, Jon lays it all out on the table.

@HarleyHorcrux: “And now you’re here, you must have not been pretty good at your job.” JON SASSY SNOW LOLBYE


@chi_socialite: Jon Snow got some balls this season

@heyjulieann: SALTY JON SNOW ILU

@AlyssaRosenberg: Interesting to confess Jon’s confession here with Jaime’s description of the things that have tarnished his honor…

@Sir_Davidio: Jon finally getting a backbone, this is an awesome scene

Kit was strong! I am SO looking forward to future episodes this season with him.

@shababe18: He was an virgin damn let him get some

@BlackGirlNerds: He did more than lay with Wildling #DemThrones


“I’m not questioning your honor, Lord Slynt, I’m denying its existence.” — Tyrion Lannister

@ummnobodycares: How do you know when a man is telling a lie? “I grew up in King’s Landing.”

@BeautyBrienne: Aemon’s a sassy old queen. I like him.

@heyjulieann: Lololol Aemon ilu

@deefalc: Maester Aemon <3

The “I grew up in King’s Landing” line is a drop-the-mic worthy response.

Olenna sits in her usual open-air, shaded bunglalo, speaking to her grand-daughter Margaery:

@delphrano: grandmother tossing jewelry like a rap star. damn.

@NiceQueenCersei: I love Olenna. I love her distracting cleavage…I mean Margaery more.

@Blondiesaurus15: I would love a dead sparrow head necklace.

Brienne arrives… and the reception is not exactly as she expected:


‏@BethRadeke: Brienne looks so unfortunate in her skirt. Girl needs some pants. I love her so much.

@Aleikis: Brienne de Tarth, mi segunda chancla favorita :0

‏@TheRealFifi: Brienne… culottes. Are those culottes?!?!

“Absolutely singular.”

@mherr1979: Brienne/Oleana BROTP!

@becca_diane11: Grandma Tyrell has the best compliments

The Queen of Thorns commands the respect of many fans:

@GameOverRos: Olenna Tyrell, I have a massive crush on you. Be Queen. Please.

@sufficientcynic: Reminder: Diana Rigg should be in everything all the time


@YgrittetheWild: Olenna squeeing over Brienne is presh.

@GameOverRos: The Queen of Thorns likes you, Brienne. You are now an official badass.

Brienne’s face though! Gwendoline played it perfectly.

“You dare not refuse,” said the Queen of Thorns.

I would agree.

@CarolineSzumski: Margaery Tyrell will always be Anne Boleyn.

‏@Sir_Davidio: Natalie Dormer is just too attractive, it’s not fair

@PenToReality: Funny how Margery and Brienne are gonna be in #Mockingjay

@NiceQueenCersei: Shipping Margaery and Brienne hard now. Margaenne.

I would say Margaery + Brienne = Margaerenne. Pronounced like the butter substitute.

We TRANSITION from there to a … uh…

@thelindsayellis: DAT. STATUE.

@GameOverRos: What in the name of the Seven is that statue? A public urinal?


@hipsterbrandi89: I need that statue in my front yard.

@Ser_Pounce: Is this supposed to help us understand Joff more yes or no

@NeverEnoughShoe: The urge to slap Joffrey is stronger than ever.

@OhNoSheTwitnt: Joffrey is what would happen if Ann Coulter and Guy Fieri had a kid.

@Phoenixs_Flame_: Eww….they need to tear that statue down….

I see what you did there.

So Joffers meets with the prickly Ser Meryn Trant and his fathuncle, Jaime.

@caseykassidy: Joffrey is such a twat.

@37ft2in: Joffery’s stupid face makes my stomach hurt.

@Affrettando: I promise I hate that little prick fake king.

@arty6o3: I hate this king. Someone kill him already lol

@IamJerrell: Will somebody kill Joffery already!!!

@CookieMunsterTk: Joffrey is so disrespectful! I mean he is the kings layer but you should always show respect to your parents lol

@jax1125: Joffrey is the Justin Beiber of #gameofthrones. He gotta go.

Ship Joffers back to Canada!

@JonSnowBastrd: That’s your father, Joffrey. Show some respect.

@thronecast: Glad to see Joffrey hasn’t changed a bit…

‏@lissyisthebest: Jamie needs to use his left hand to slap Joffrey! He is wretched!

@amarettosaurus: oh I can only imagine him using his left hand…

@Nursegrrl8: The dude who plays Joffrey is great

@DelReySpectra: Man, let’s just call this episode “Sick Burn, Bro!” Because seriously, so many sick burns. So. Many.

It’s true! The quips and cracks and one-liners were flying hard and fast. The writing pretty much popped all episode.

So Ser Arthur Dayne, the Sword of the Morning was mentioned, as well as Ser Duncan the Tall. DUNK!

‏@PopzillaJoe: Sir Arthur Dayne, he wrote the #SherlockHolmes books in Westeros, right?


@OccupyWesteros: currently reading Ser Meryn’s book “The people love their king and other absurd lies I told on the Kingsguard.”

Back to Essos, we rejoin Dany and Missandei…

@cam_diesel: Missandei knows Daario on some bullshit tryna holla.

@Soulrific: Missandei needs a raise.

@jadande: Daenerys has more nicknames than Shaq in 1999-2000.

@TreYip1922: Is this guy Dario?

@Aschick41: Seriously is that Eric Bana

‏@JulieHammerle: Why is she not all, “Daario, you look different?”

@BOOKadooodles: Yay or nay on the Dhaario recasting? I’m conflicted

@roxana_hadadi: this daario feels too safe for me, like the bearded boy next door. remember how he’s supposed to all saucy and domineering?

@lemoncakepies: new Dario is babe

@AuthorNinaPerez: Noooo. I miss Snaggletooth Daario!

@enuffznuff1976: Boo for the new Dario!

@AllWildFire: The new Daario is a Hottie McHotterson

@jongroffsauce: New!Daario… hm… idk yet. I like him but it’s weird.

@amarettosaurus: daario is trending omg dying

Daario was trending on Twitter!

Oberyn probably would have been trending too, if people had known how to spell his name.

@feellikepdiddy: Also, blue rose?!?! #BookReaders

@ShantaFabulous: Dany don’t play that shit. #DemThrones

@Sir_Davidio: Dany’s alchemy skill went up by 1

@lemoncakepies: DONT U SHOW ME A BLUE ROSE

@dieslaughing: THAT IS A BLUE ROSE.

Lot of people freaking out about a blue rose. It has healing properties. So?

I think I really like New Daario. He’s not so much Rico Suave as quietly confident.

@becca_diane11: New Daario’s hair is really doing it for me

@feellikepdiddy: The strategy is how to get your clothes off, Danaerys

Next we see… a dead child on a stake, helpfully pointing the way to Meereen!

@MissLadyCandy: Finally! Dead people!

‘Bout time, right?

@heyjulieann: aaaaand the dead slave signposts. GREAT GOOD JOB.

@HEELSherrod: Dead kids make good mile markers..

@LanannBright: Danaerys gonna set the captives free!!! #Khaleesi

Back at King’s Landing, Brienne and Jaime watch Sansa…

@MelissaLynnette: Jaime and Brienne! Bromance of the gods! #DemThrones


@badnecklace: Brienne and Jaime 4Eva. ::draws their names in a heart in my Trapper Keeper::

@purplehrdwonder: I want the entire show to be Jaime and Brienne sassing each other.

@inkasrain: Jaime! Stop being mean to Brienne and kiss her! Now!


Classic Brieme bickering.

@jennilcava2010: Jaime Lannister is my new fave”

@YgrittetheWild: That moment where Brienne renders Jaime speechless with logic.

@NiceQueenCersei: “Are you SURE we’re not related?” Pick up lines in Westeros.

Ha. Hashtag: LannisterPickupLines

We get more intimate and up-close with Sansa… next to s WEIRWOOD TREE STUMP.


Sansa is followed through the Godswood…

@nicoleprzygocki: Creepy drunken dude alert!!

@Sir_Davidio: Followed by a fat man: a Sansa Stark story


@KaylalaMoriarty: Sansa, relax. Drunk guys give me jewelry like all the time

@motelsonthemoon: Sansa is so kind. She’s so beautiful. Ugh. I love her.

@TaraGiancaspro: Dontos was cast well. I think he has a kindly nature to his face that serves the role well.

@anniebahra77: I think I’ve just come to like Sansa.

Join us! #TeamSansa!

Finally we come to Arya and the Hound!

@SeattleSlim: Arya and The Hound > all of our friendships with our BFFs

@amarettosaurus: “this lady wants away from your stench” dude if I had a dime for every time I said that….

@HarleyHorcrux: ARYA SNARK TBH

‏@deefalc: The Hound rocking some Bon Jovi hair

And livin’ on a prayer.

@heyjulieann: sandor and arya are my favorite buddy comedy

@KyleLovesTV: At this rate, Arya’s about to start asking The Hound “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

@becca_diane11: “I’m hungry. Are we there yet?” Arya is the worst road trip partner

@BeautyBrienne: Of course Arya wants a pony. Every girl wants a pony.

@JennJayBee: You’ve got a nutbags aunt in the Vale. Did I mention she’s more crackers than Saltine?”

@meaghanadcoe: God I love the Hound

‏@LucindaLC: Am I the only one who loves the Hound?


@mherr1979: I love the Hound.


Next we get this classic:

“You’re fine with murdering little boys but thieving’s beneath you.”

“Man’s got to have a code.”

@OccupyWesteros: Was… that a Wire reference?! #SandorComin

@cam_diesel: Dog just hit us with that Omar.

@thec00ltable: That reference to #TheWire on #GameOfThrones was spectacular

@thomas_ikehara: Wait Omar was def ok with stealing tho

Next we see…

@Innjaspar: Ooooo Pollivers back!

@7373tinkerbell: Needle!

@aerynsunx: Needle. Here, Needle. Mother’s here. Come to mother.


The one line that I think was re-Tweeted the most was:

@feellikepdiddy: “WTF is a Lommy?”

@guttah973: Lmao wtfa lomey

@inkasrain: “What the f*ck’s a Lommy?” – Sandor Clegane

@lavieenpug: “WTF is a Lommy?” best… quote… ever…

@mherr1979: What the fuck’s a Lommy? DEAD.

@eboldy: “What the fuck’s a Lommy?” Best line of the episode.

@MazingMo: Naming your sword is like naming your car…or something like that

“Course you named your sword.”

“Lots of people name their swords.”

“Lots of cunts.”


@JenStap: I cannot believe they just used the C word on #GameOfThrones

More than one! Lot of cunts coming out of the Hound’s mouth!


@inkasrain: Rory McCann may have the most weirdly perfect comic timing in television.

Rory was so freaking good! Asaljdlkfjaksfja;gj–

@cam_diesel: Buddy just asked the Hound how it is pounding down Arya….who’s like 12. Ew.


@dayvassell: Arya is badass. See how fast she was to reach for that sword!

@Smooth_Orator: 52 mins and nobody has died in this show yet. got a feeling that’s about to change.

Hound: “She’s alright. I’ve had better.”

I guess it’s technically true.

Polliver gives us a bit of “this is ‘ow I’ is” exposition. Not quite threatsposition.

‏@inkasrain: Man, I hate it when I torture so many people that the fun just goes right out of it. #Polliver

‏@OccupyWesteros: Gosh, don’t you hate it when rape and pillage gets boring? #FourthWorldProblems

@remuslupin: You’re gonna get skewered

@NsideMYBox: This lil Stark girl a G but imma need her to chill. Always in danger.

Hound wants one chicken. Hound takes Polliver’s ale. Hound wants two chickens. No, wait, Hound wants ALL the chickens…

“You gonna die for some chickens?”

“Someone is.”

@Phoenixs_Flame_: The Hound just sucked that liquor down didn’t he?

‏@BeautyBrienne: …Arya hasn’t blinked this entire scene.

@JdgAishPresidin: Someone’s about to die

@cam_diesel: Hound bout to do work!!!

@KJFromTheSlock: The hound should come and visit me at Nandos #lovechicken

@YunetzyPetit: The things you do for a piece of chicken.

@tomandlorenzo: That’s a pricey chicken.

@RandomCran: The chickens are really adding up here.

@YgrittetheWild: So the Mountain yells SWOOOOOOOOOOORD, and the Hound yells CHIIIIICKEEEEEEEEEEENN! Right? #Battlecry


So if Sandor was a Colonel it would be–

Oh, I see what you did there.

So then the Hound went off.

@neumaverick: Stabbed in the no-no spot! That’s just not cool.

Another dude then gets his face spiked onto his own dagger three or four times.

“He was stabbing the dagger with his face.” –Zack, Game of Owns. Own of the day, by the way.

@BigDamnHerosSir: “I didn’t kill him! He headbutted my knife! He headbutted my knife three times!” #TheHound

@mherr1979: That had to hurt.

@Dinkologist: My eye.

@ChavezChavis: The Dawg is in the house!!!

@centuryphoenix: I’m kind of on the Hound’s side now he’s a bamf!

@NerdgasmNoire: Eww, The Hound. Just gross. #demthrones

@ThunderCatRawwr: The Hound is a beast!!


@BeautyBrienne: That’s how a Clegane drops the mic.


@TheWrittenWine: Maybe the next time the Hound asks for some chicken, just give him some chicken?

@Brownmagic23: Lol why you try to kill the hound it’s impossible

@Magpiemf: The Hound wins this episode

@WilliamJTV: And no chickens were given.

Only taken.

@MattCox: Geez, that made the time I got chicken for free much less impressive.

@NackteElfe: Ayo, lesson here, Polly. You come at The Hound, you best not miss…

Pure Omar.

‏@taryngolightly: I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA THROW UP

@motelsonthemoon: So Arya, you gonna kill someone or just cower in the corner.

@jax1125: The Hound killed errybody.

Not quite…

@Phoenixs_Flame_: Something wrong with your leg boy? ~ Arya my little psychopath

@darcyvgriffin: Fine little blade. Maybe I’ll pick my teeth with it

I do love that Arya repeated Polliver’s lines back to him.

@Lem889: Is there gold in the village?


And then Arya burst into action.

Twitter went nuts.

@WilliamGelhaus: Arya is about to go to badass mode!!!

@tomandlorenzo: OH. MY. GOD.

@feellikepdiddy: NEEDLE. POLLIVER. YES. #ValarMorghulis

@JonSnowBastrd: Just like I taught her…. with the pointy end.

@motelsonthemoon: Arya is so metal. She has no fucks to give.

@OccupyWesteros: Gods, Arya is terrifying. Utterly terrifying. In the most awesome way.

@PragObots: Baby’s first kill.

Second kill. Wait, no, third. …Fourth!

@realprincess1: OMG?!?! Ekkkkkk #GameOfThrones blood everywhere

‏@diegoheinrik: A Arya as vezes parece a filha do Justus…


@cam_diesel: THAT’S HOW YOU GET SHIT DONE!!!!!!! LONG LIVE HOUSE STARK!!!!!!!!!!!!

@heyjulieann: FUCK YEAH, BABY GIRL

@HBO_UK: Arya! Arya! Arya! #StickThemWithThePointyEnd

@oliveuray: Arya Stark is my everything

@King_Joffrey_: … And Arya continues to be the most badass character in Game of Thrones.

@deefalc: well Arya’s attack mode was anti-climactic…

When I first watched it, I had hoped Arya would join the action earlier. But I think I like the fact that she was smart and waited. No need to take chances. Especially when her death prayer list is so long…


@becca_diane11: And she gets her pony! #BadAss

@joanna_vasco: Arya is such a badass little girl. I don’t know if I’m more disturbed or impressed. @Maisie_Williams

@AngryAndYellow: That’s my girl. And she got her own horse!

@jazzmen_k: Arya’s on a thug life world tour. This is so exciting.

@MichelleF0918: I think Arya and Khaleesi should share the throne. They would whip people into shape and get stuff done! Two badasses!

@BlackGirlNerds: Look at that look of satisfaction on her face #GameOfThrones #DemThrones

@feellikepdiddy: Arya’s smirk #Perfection

@sevetriwilson: Arya stark is going to be like Joan of arc. Mark my words

Arya of Arc?

@Mello_Ichimaru: Arya continues to be the kind of girl I’d never want to piss off.

@colderinthesun: well that’s my revenge fantasies filled for the day, thank you #gameofthrones

‏@cato_potato: Sandor and Arya, the greatest and most violent buddy comedy we deserve.

Not sure what we actually deserve… but…

@Sir_Davidio: NO DONT BE OVER

It was.

So what were the overall impressions?

@MrAaronKang: Well worth the wait

@Dorv: This is badass. And scary. And badass.

@BreakingBraavos: Sooooooo good

@Tanagariel: AWESOOOOME EP

@mcktll: It was so gooooood. Great episode. All the pieces are being laid out for the season

@rachelmamatiti: An hour premiere is not long enough.

@CplJamesy: Well that was a perfect episode so much sass. And Arya is still my favourite. #GameOfSass

@Jonahlobe: Refreshing to sit thru an hour of #GameOfThrones and not see a piece of Theon’s body get removed.

@alyssejacobs: I want a lap dragon and Needle. I can’t even with this show.

@taryngolightly: “lots of cunts” will now be a regular phrase in my life

@hyperlyss: I was way too drunk watching Game of Thrones tonight. Gonna have to research that shit. But Oberyn! Oberyn! #MyLove

@caseykassidy: Things I learned from this episode: 1. I love The Hound. 2. Dorne is apparently an awesome place to party. Arya is amazing

@feellikepdiddy: Tonight on #GameOfThrones : chicken for #TheHound and the other OTHER white meat for the #Thenns #TwoSwords

@willevanswrites: And the Hound tried to keep that Chill on as long as he could. Then he put Joffrey on the SummerJam screen

@YgrittetheWild: I just want to wrap myself up in that episode and hug it to bits, really.


@YgrittetheWild: I couldn’t even say anything most of that episode because it was just so fucking good.

That’s amazing, actually. Ygritte doesn’t shut up easily. So I guess the only things that do it are this and Jon Snow’s tongue.

@Nedopak: The Red Viper = my new favorite character

Next: A royal wedding! The cripple, the dwarf, and the mother of madness. Bran! Ramsay on the hunt! Hodor! Stannis, STANNIS, STANNIS!

We also get a… dragon flying over King’s Landing…??

@caseykassidy: Each season Arya looks more like a boy, and Bran looks more like a teenage girl.

@JustJon: Joffrey’s wedding is next week already? Whatever will I wear?

@GameOverRos: Coming next week: a wedding. Please, HBO. Do not give into our request for male nudity for Joffrey’s bedding. Please.

And what did our Fearless Founder have to say?

@p_Red: Finally watched #TwoSwords. The best premiere ep yet. Such confident storytelling. This season is going to kick ASS.

You ain’t just a-woofin’, Winterphil!


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