I’ts time once again for us to return to The WiC Scale. Every week, we take a lighthearted look at where our favorite characters stand after each brutal 60-minute installment of Game of Thrones. The fates and fortunes of our characters change on a dime, as the wheel weaves as the wheel wills and we are only threads…oh, wait. Wrong series. The point is, we will weigh the actions of our characters and determine who is up, who is down, and who is out.
So who survived the premiere after that particularly high body count in the finale last season? Well…..
Up
Brienne & Pod: Like Bran Stark, it looks like Brienne and Pod put that time offscreen to good use. Pod even managed to kill a man without falling off his horse.
Sansa & Theon: They magically jumped from a higher distance than Myranda fell last year and yet didn’t even get a bruise. They managed to ford a rushing frozen river without sustaining frostbite or being swept away. And then just as their luck ran out, Brienne and Pod showed up. Guess someone told Brienne about the candle.
Alliser Thorne and the Mutineers: They not only admitted to what they’d done, but by the time Thorne had finished, he had the Night’s Watch on his side, all except that small band of Jon’s trusted friends who decided they weren’t hungry.
Margaery Tyrell: She’s looking pretty healthy for still being in a dungeon. And the High Sparrow is now coming to see her instead of the other way round. Times are changing.
Middling
Daario & Jorah: The Bro show featured male bonding and smart tracking. Too bad their quarry is surrounded by a horde, and the creeping crud is spreading up Jorah’s arm.
Varys & Tyrion: They may have a beautiful friendship, but looking at the Bonfire of the Fleet, they’re stuck at home waiting for Dany to show back up.
Jaime Lannister: It could have been worse. Cersei didn’t even scream at him for failing to prevent Mrycella’s death.
Davos, Edd and Co: It could have been worse. They could have all seen what happened when Melisandre took that necklace off.
High Sparrow: The good news is that he and Unella play good cop/bad cop like champs. Law and Order: Westeros would be proud. Now, if only he and Unella didn’t need Margaery enough to have to do that.
Khal Moro: It’s hard out here for a Khal. Your women sneer about how things are known, and your henchmen don’t even respect the rankings of the best things in life. At least the Spanish Inquisition didn’t show up.
Down
Cersei Lannister: Gold will be their crowns and gold will be their shrouds. Let’s hope all her black gowns are back from the drycleaners.
Ramsay Bolton: Not only did he lose he two best game pieces, but now Fat Walda’s expecting a boy. Oh boy.
Arya Stark: No one told her she’s supposed to listen in order to fight by ear. How many sessions with the Waif do you think it will take before she clues in?
Daenerys Targaryen: I don’t know which is in more dire straights: the millionth of her name or her poor wig.
Melisandre: She’s not depressed. She’s just very tired. Like 400-years-old tired. Let her have her Ovaltine, her Matlock, and a good night’s rest.
Out
Dorne: I mean, I knew we all hated the way Dorne was being handled, but damn. Those poor Damn Dornishmen. The show couldn’t even bother to have their deaths make any sort of logical sense.
Still Out
Jon Snow:
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of Lord Snow
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored,
He has loosed the fateful lightening of his great valyrian sword
His truth is marching on.
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
His soul goes marching on.