Game of Thrones round robin: A year in review

As 2016 draws to a close, there comes a time for us to reflect on the year that has been. The year has garnered a reputation for being less than cheerful, but how did 2016 fare for the residents of Westeros? Which characters ended the year on a triumphant note, and which characters will be hoping for better luck next year? We take a look back at Game of Thrones Season 6 and find out.

It was a bad year for…

Grand Maester Pycelle: “Sure, this looks official,” said Pycelle to himself, as he followed a random child to a dark cellar where death awaited him.

The High Sparrow: Jonathan Pryce’s High Sparrow exploded on our screens this year. That’s it. He literally exploded. It wasn’t a figure of speech.

Roose Bolton: It took Roose Bolton approximately ten seconds to die from a stab wound that Arya Stark shook off like a fly. Weak.

Ramsay Bolton: Ramsay was left red-faced when he introduced a cost-cutting initiative of feeding human flesh to his hounds, only for the dogs to respond to it a little too enthusiastically.

Brandon Stark: Young Bran was catfished by the Three-Eyed Raven, the world’s worst mentor. Determined to teach Bran to stop trying to catch glimpses of his family members in his visions, he manipulated his young student into ruining the life of his best friend in the past. Then he psyched out and died, leaving Bran to face a barrage of misplaced hatred from half the fandom.

Rickon Stark: Poor baby Rickon. The legacy of the youngest Stark will forever be tainted by his inability to zig-zag.

Meera Reed: Although she became a member of the exclusive Sam and Jon club for awesome people who kill White Walkers, Meera will now have to live with the fact that her voice broke Hodor’s brain. She also has to drag Bran to the Wall without any assistance, thanks to Uncle Benjen, who dropped them about a mile away from their destination and took his horse with him.

Osha: I mean, at least Osha got some dialogue, which is more than I can say for Rickon. You were tragically underused, Osha. RIP.

Hodor: Hodor actually had a bad year decades ago, it just happened to catch up with him recently.

Summer and Shaggydog: The Starks are such irresponsible pet owners.

Lady Crane: Those of us who wanted to see Cersei Lannister die in Season 6 were left with a pale imitation of it when the delightful Lady Crane was finished off by the Waif. Her crime? Being talented. In Game of Thrones, the cutthroat world of show business is literally that.

The Waif: The Waif decided to channel Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator this year, but unbeknownst to her, Arya had decided to channel Matt Murdock, AKA Marvel’s Daredevil. She got what was damn well coming to her.

Brynden ‘Blackfish’ Tully: Brynden’s eyes welled up as he read the letter he had received from Sansa Stark. “She’s exactly like her mother,” he said, overcome with emotion as he thought of his beloved niece, Catelyn. “Screw her, though.”

Smug Cousin Lancel Lannister: He’s not so smug now, is he?

Tommen Baratheon: We say our goodbyes to Tommen of the House Baratheon, first of his name, offshoot of incest and lover of cats. Sadly, the only thing he’ll be remembered for in Westeros is the number of ‘King’s Landing’ jokes his death will inevitably inspire.

Olenna Tyrell: As if losing her son, grandson and granddaughter wasn’t heartbreaking enough, Olenna then had to travel to Dorne and talk to the Sand Snakes. The punishment seems gratuitous at this stage.

Loras Tyrell: He got his forehead engraved with that seven-pointed star for nothing and didn’t even get to show it off.

Margaery Tyrell: Forced to die surrounded by fools, and in an unflattering outfit, the most beautiful rose in Highgarden is no longer growing strong. Now, her remains are blowing strong. In the wind.

Trystane Martell: He died as he lived, uneventfully.

Doran Martell: Poor Doran was shockingly killed off this year as part of D. B. Weiss and David Benioff’s Dornish damage control initiative. Now he’ll have to return to dining out on Star Trek.

Walder Frey: When Walder Frey told his two favorite sons to come for lunch, he didn’t expect Arya Stark to take that invitation literally. The prickly patriarch of House Frey died with terror in his eyes and his children in his belly.

The year could have been better for…

Jaime Lannister: Jaime secured a great personal victory when he took Riverrun without bloodshed, but when he returned to King’s Landing and saw that his sister had reduced the Sept of Baelor to a smoldering pile of ash, he may have regretted not chasing Brienne of Tarth for that rom-com ending we all know he’s dreaming of.

Cersei Lannister: Terrified that the prophecy concerning the deaths of her three children would come true, Cersei did everything she possibly could to help it along. She also looks set to become a terribly profligate queen, as we saw when she wasted several liters of expensive wine whilst waterboarding a nun.

Daario Naharis: Just when Daario thought it was safe to change his relationship status on Facebook to ‘In a Relationship with Daenerys Targaryen’, he got dumped by the object of his affections. “It’s not you,” the Mother of Dragons assured him. “Well, actually, it definitely is you.” On the upside, Daenerys still wants him to do her bidding in Meereen, which is proof that every cloud has an even crappier lining.

Jorah Mormont: Jorah was finally forgiven by his beloved queen, Daenerys, only for her to immediately order him to get lost. He has now been tasked with finding a doctor who will be willing to treat him with no health insurance.

Jaqen H’ghar: This year, Jaqen lost two valued employees from the House of Black and White, along with any semblance of his personality.

Sandor ‘the Hound’ Clegane: In an epic reveal, Sandor Clegane turned up alive and working construction. He also made a new best friend. Septon Ray was kind, generous and dead by the end of the episode. Bummer. Now Sandor and his trusty axe are on their way north in search of further redemption.

Petyr Baelish: Petyr got to play the hero when the Knights of the Vale swooped in and saved Jon Snow’s army from certain death. Unfortunately for Petyr, declaring for the Starks has left his house of cards swaying in the wind, and his littlest finger was rejected by a stone cold Sansa Stark, who hasn’t been charmed by his worrisome impression of a leprechaun.

Edmure Tully: See below

Bronn: He’s been promoted to a cushy position as Jaime Lannister’s right-hand man (pun not intended), but we all know that Bronn would rather be hanging out with Tyrion.

Theon Greyjoy: Do you hate spending time with your family during the holidays? Spare a thought for Theon Greyjoy, who finally got to go home after years of torture and servitude, only to find that his uncle wanted to murder him.

Yara Greyjoy: The Hillary Clinton of Westeros.

Jon Snow: Jon just wanted a nice vacation this year, but fate had other plans for him. It wasn’t all bad, though. He achieved some of his greatest successes when he came back from the dead and reclaimed Winterfell for his family, and he also continued his trend of being given jobs that he didn’t apply for when he was declared King in the North. However, he’s Jon Snow, so he’s always got to be miserable about something.

Melisandre: Melisandre’s year started well when she learned that resurrection of the dead is yet another skill that she can add to her resume. She also knows a few tricks about accessorizing to draw attention away from gray hairs and wrinkles. However, her year took a downturn when she realized too late that she should have served chicken wings, not Shireen, at the Baratheon family barbecue.

Davos Seaworth: He wanted the chicken wings.

It was a good year for…

Tyrion Lannister: Tyrion Lannister spent his year productively, bringing trade and prosperity to Meereen while his boss was out of town, as well as free healthcare, high-speed internet access and a Cheesecake Factory (probably).

Arya Stark: This year, Arya quit her grueling summer job and discovered that not only is she immune to leptospirosis, she also possesses the superhuman ability to recover completely from fatal stab wounds.

Sansa Stark: The true Queen in the North, Sansa Stark cleverly held back information that, if revealed early, might have seen Jon lead the entire eastern forces into a trap laid by Ramsay Bolton. Then she coolly saved the day like a pro. And she created some fabulous outfits. Take that, haters.

Brienne of Tarth: Following the long-awaited execution of Stannis Baratheon, Brienne leveled up again when she rescued Sansa Stark from the Bolton guards, another objective complete! She also gained more suitors than Cleopatra, with Bronn and Tormund making their interest known, and Jaime Lannister gazing moony-eyed at her from afar as she rowed away from Riverrun. They truly are the Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey of Westeros.

Podrick Payne: Who puts the ‘pain’ in Payne? Podrick does. The most loyal squire in Westeros displayed his fighting prowess this year when he fought the Bolton guards alongside Brienne.

Tormund Giantsbane: It was a banner year in the Giantsbane household. Tormund emerged victorious in the famed Battle of the Beards when he ate Smalljon Umber’s beard clean off his face. His fate in the upcoming Battle for Brienne is yet to be decided.

Lyanna Mormont: Lyanna Mormont showed us all who was boss this year when she single-handedly intimidated a hall full of grown men into appointing a monarch of her choosing. Three cheers for a kid so scary that Santa’s afraid to come down her chimney.

Gregor ‘the Mountain’ Clegane: Christmas came early for Ser Gregor, as Cersei allowed him to smash heads, tear off heads, and generally cause head-related injures. This more than makes up for his cosmetic difficulties.

Qyburn: Cersei’s new best friend and biggest enabler earned himself a major promotion when he assisted her in blowing up the sept and taught a bunch of traumatized street children how to murder for sweeties.

Daenerys Targaryen: Daenerys took on the patriarchy in a unique way this year. She obliterated Khal Moro, Khal Forzo, Khal Rhalko, Khal Oreo, Khal Rambo, Khal YOLO, Khal Hippo, Khal Wakemeupbeforeyougogo (some of these names may be made up) and countless others when she burned down the temple of the Dosh Khaleen. Then she returned to Meereen just in time to save the city from attack and engaged her colleagues in a fun game of musical statues on board her ship.

Grey Worm: The Unsullied captain pulled off the slickest double murder in Game of Thrones history, and is well on his way to becoming a fully developed character. Rumor has it that he may crack a smile in Season 7.

Missandei: See Missandei in Madison Square Garden as she brings her sell-out stand-up comedy tour, Narth to do but Laugh, to the general public. Coming soon in a language you speak.

Drogon, Viserion, and Rhaegal: After being unfairly grounded by their mother at the end of Season 4, Viserion and Rhaegal were finally allowed out of their bedrooms and into the skies. They took care to conceal their burning resentment towards Drogon, who remains his mother’s favorite child in spite of his bad behavior.

Ellaria Sand: Yes, Ellaria, I’m sure you killed Doran and Trystane because your only motivation was revenge. It wasn’t like the idea of seizing control of an entire kingdom appealed to you or anything like that. Nope.

The Sand Snakes: One of them probably did something useful at some point. Does anyone care? I can’t believe we lost Natalie Dormer and two direwolves but kept these three.

Lord Varys: The Master of Whisperers narrowly beats Petyr Baelish to claim the title of ‘fastest traveler’ this year, as he speedily crossed oceans to secure an alliance with Olenna Tyrell and the Dornish disasters. His frequent flyer miles must be through the roof.

Samwell Tarly: Sam’s father is the kind of guy who wants their kid to go to college on a full football scholarship, rather than good grades and an exemplary personal essay. Sam struck a blow for intellectuals everywhere when he stole his father’s beloved Valyrian steel sword, Heartsbane, to use as a bookmark in the Citadel of Oldtown. Right on.

Gilly: This year, Gilly managed to win over every girlfriend’s worst fear, the mother-in-law, and bravely stood up to Randyll Tarly when he berated his son for challenging his fragile masculinity. She also got some stylish new threads.

Euron Greyjoy: Euron benefited greatly from a poor voter turnout on the Iron Islands, and from the voting system itself, which comprises of a bunch of dudes yelling and isn’t in any way measurable.

It was an excellent year for…

That guy who lead the Knights of the Vale into battle: Just look at him go! This is his moment!

Ride on, friend. Ride on.