Tweetkeeper: Oathkeeper reTweeted
It’s Twitter time!
I keep saying I’ll make these shorter. But as the weeks go by the tweets get better…
… and better…
Y’all know how we do this, right?
I, the axeyfabulous @Axechucker, along with my trusty stalwart @The_Rabbit01 gather your tweets from here, there, near and far. I then make a post. It’s usually long. And here it is.
This week’s All-Stars: Tarly (@theSamwellTarly) was gnarly and Hannah (@feellikepdiddy) went bananas, but the unequivocal winner of the night was our Monarch of Mad, @AngryGoTFan. Follow these people on Twitter for more nerd rage and general ruckus.
(Special mention to @JonSnowBastrd whose feed I troll for awesome gifs.)
Since I wasn’t here last week, I feel compelled to give you this:
"@KlNG_JOFFREY: Please! You think Uncle Jaime and mother have sex? OVER MY DEAD BODY!"
Los Angeles Clippers basketball team owner Donald Sterling was in the news:
"@Bigswivel34: Donald sterling needs some westeros style justice strip him of his holdings and send him to the wall!!"
Angry GoT Fan began his night of red rage with some angry words for Sterling as well.
"@AngryGoTFan: APPARENTLY DONALD STERLING WAS WRITING DAENERYS STORYLINE THE PAST FEW YEARS #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@AngryGoTFan: EVERYONES TALKING ABOUT DONALD STERLING BUT NO ONES TALKING ABOUT DONAL NOYE!!!!! #WHYTHO #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS"
But Angry GoT Fan was just getting started. Soon his rage turned to the telly.
"@AngryGoTFan: OH MY SEVEN GODS THEY HAVENT CANCELLED THIS SHOW YET?!?!?! I SENT SO MANY INSTAGRAMS #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS"
I LOL’d.
"@JonSnowBastrd: Just remember, the internet is dark and full of spoilers."
So was this episode! Sorry, book walkers.
Time began to tick down…
"@mra1288: Why is the hour before #GameOfThrones the slowest?@JordiJT: Readying myself with a second glass of wine for #GameOfThrones@SaraharysTyrell: Got my fried chicken and alcohol. It’s #GameOfThrones time!@justin_robles: Vodka soda – check. #GameOfThrones -check. iphone on silent -check.@PatrckMcGregor: #GameOfThrones let’s try not to be as incest-rapey this time around."
That would be difficult to achieve.
"@BeautyBrienne: My concern during That Scene wasn’t so much the rape as much: ‘What happens if they pull Joffrey’s body down on top of them?’"
Right?
"@AKA_Qthulhu: Well, tonight’s tweets are going to be interesting."
They certainly are.
The malleable Pixie LeKnot decided to gift us with this vital information prior to tonight’s episode:
"@PixieLeKnot: Game of Thrones, season 4, episode 2! It’s not my naked vagina, it’s a beautifully embroided eye, just saying…"
Good to know!
(All “Eye of Sauron” jokes welcome.)
(“One does not simply…”)
"@pinklem73: If I can make it through tonight’s ep of #GameOfThrones without being the ball of rage I was last week, I will call it a good night.@dieslaughing: #GameofThrones in less than an hour. I hope my other favorites aren’t character assassinated tonight.@FatPinkMast: Literally all I want out of this season any more is equal opportunity nudity. This is what it’s come to."
That’s a little self-serving, isn’t it?
But yes.
"@starkalypse: I’m wearing pajamas and drinking Barefoot straight from the bottle so I’m basically the tumblr girl from @Axechucker’s videos right now"
As I told Starkalypse directly, Tumblr Girl probably drinks YooHoo.
So what were people looking forward to?
"@aerynsunx: Baelish doing what he does best–being Baelish. Dance puppets, dance!@Michael_DePalo: I get excited like a 16 yr old white girl when #GameOfThrones comes on!"
White girls get very excited!
So do all the others I think!
(Boys too!)
"@1roguechick: Oh my G. No one told me what happened to rob Starks and his wife and mom. No no no. Crying. #gameofthrones and that was not even the finale"
I’m afraid we were a tad late with that notification, 1roguechick. Apologies.
Fifteen minutes to go and Angry GoT Fan was on fire:
"@AngryGoTFan: READING UP ON THE FOUR CITIES OF THE SKAHAZADHAN TO PREPARE FOR TONIGHT!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @AngryGoTFan: WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT CLEON THE BUTCHER KING OF ASTAPOR?!?!?!?!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@AngryGoTFan: I BETTER TO SEE AN UNNAMED OLD FLINT TOWER IN THE FINGERS TONIGHT!!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS"
Erm…
"@Kelsica: It’s almost time for men to die@MyLifeIsJulie: “I have to watch #GameOfThrones it’s for a project” is a legit excuse for me right now"
Mine is for my job!
Best. Job. Ever.
On #FakeWesteros, Ser Dontos had a message for Sansa:
"@DontosHollard: @TheDove_Stark Sweet Jonquil, I died nobly for you… and also for money which I never got"
Sucker.
So it began!
"@heyjulieann: here we are. #gameofthrones. let’s go. i’m so drunk.@YgrittetheWild: And here we go: “Last week on Game of Thrones… yeah, we don’t wanna talk about that. Moving on…”@feellikepdiddy: Srsly the intro to HBOGo is so long I’m already 4 minutes behind. 300 people could have died already@Jakerbaker58: I love this show. Intro gets me every time@BlackGirlNerds: THIS THEME SONG THO. #DemThrones@sarahrebeccaw: this theme song is life>>>>@duckandcover: WILL SOMEONE PUT THE FIRE OUT IN WINTERFELL ALREADY?@AngryGoTFan: WHY ISNT THE DREADFORT MADE OF BONES?!?!?!!? #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@beieeutiful: Oooooooh! Bryan Cogman wrote this episode! This will definitely be awesome"
And it was! Pretty much.
We opened across the Narrow Sea, with Grey Worm and Missandei…
"@TVAfterDark: Aww… Missandei and Grey Worm bonding over language and books! @WElevationMag: He learning English. That’s so cute!@BlackGirlNerds: BTW what is young Obama’s name again? #DemThrones"
Grey Worm.
"@LBrothersMedia: When did Grey Worm become Dominican? #DemThrones@BigDamnHerosSir: Not gonna lie, I’m not enthused when episodes feature characters learning to read. #SorryDavos #SorryGreyWorm@RgWat: Missandei’s hair, love it@linkuptv: 10 years ago this girl was in Hollyoaks, yet she still has the same hair style!"
Hey, if it works…
The natch perm is gorgeous.
"@Harold_Stu: The Shireen School of learning has a challenger@ConfusedGoTFan: I WANNA TAKE ESL CLASSES WITH MISSENDEI!!!!@fatpinkcast: slaves actually getting a pov? flabbergasted and marginally impressed @knt880: Greyworm learning how to read from his secret crush #GOT #demthrones@motelsonthemoon: You know he’s cut right?!@heyjulieann: at least he won’t ever get a random boner@ProfessorXzaver: this barack obama faced dude trynna get the draws? Ain’t they castrated tho?"
They is.
"@beckcl78: Missandei is going to help Grey Worm find his birth parents! Suddenly it’s a teen adoption drama.@cam_diesel: MISSANDEI GOT A THING FOR GREY WORM!!!! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! @simrundhaliwal: I ship Missandei and Grey Worm @bellwitch911: I am so ‘shipping #Missandei & #GreyWorm. Er, to the extent they can have a ‘ship. #eunuchlove@WiC_Fury: ugh I am shipping Grey Worm and Missandei so hard. Fuckkkkkk. I don’t need this baggage in my life. @heyjulieann: NOW KISS@duckandcover: Is Grey Worm and Missandei the new Irri and Rakharo?"
NO ONE CAN REPLACE THEM IN MY HEART
"@Balldinho: Grey Worm tryna get some punani? Alright #iSeeYou@CalmDownPlease: For a castrated dude, Grey Worm spits some clean game. @GameOverRos: It was so romantic until ‘kill the Masters’.@cam_diesel: I’m mad my bae cheating on me, tho. Damn, Missandei. Don’t do me like that. @HotelFoxtrot: Gurl don’t fall for Grey Worm, he’s a eunuch.@cam_diesel: Oh. Right. Grey Worm ain’t got no johnson. I’m good. Missandei still pure for me."
I think she knows about the missing man-parts! Dude’s still got a tongue.
Just sayin’.
So Dany enters…
"@wizizwiz: Mmmmmmmmmm Khaleesi@SayWhatSugar: Dany’s blocking Greyworm, I see you.@JonSnowBastrd: Dany is such a cockblocker, oh wait.@femmissgeek: So… Dany is using slave uprisings and rebellions to further her political agenda."
Yes.
"@drewsykes: “We are the 99%!” – Daenerys Targaryen@DobrevPride: I will sink with Jaenerys. I don’t give a fuck."
Was that Jahaerys’s sister?
So Gray Worm and his men(?) enter through a Meereen sewer gate that has a pulley system inexplicably and conveniently placed on the outside of the city wall…
"@motelsonthemoon: For having their city besieged by a giant army, they aren’t doing a good job guarding all entrances and exits.@BigDamnHerosSir: If there’s one thing to be learned from epic fantasy, it’s never build a drain into your city walls. #HelmsDeep@cam_diesel: This some Trojan horse type infiltration shit.@AngryGoTFan: HOW COME THE GUARDS ARENT LIKE HEY WHERE ALL THE SLAVES GO AT THE SAME TIME? #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS"
Grey Worm got busy, though not in the way some might hope.
"@iDamienJackson: Grey worm Recruiting Like Nick Saban and Shit #DemThrones @BlackGirlNerds: Grey Worm say “Yes We Can” #DemThrones@deefalc: Loving Grey Worm’s bigger role! @LPizzle: “The bitch has dragons, nigga.” #NuffSaid@NiceQueenCersei: Yet more kinky slave chains. And a topless Grey Worm. Lovely."
A topless Grey Worm in-deed.
"@BeccaEmilyB: Greyworm is hella hot @ramblingfilm: Grey Worm is hot. #JustSayin@kaiawrites: Please don’t let Grey Worm be the Sacrificial Negro. Please, please, Little Baby Jesus. #DemThrones@phteles_: Se GOT fosse no Brasil a Daenerys ia ganhar a eleição por dar bolsa família pros pobres."
Translation…?
"@duckandcover: “.. ‘masters’ .. hey, this looks legit. OH WAIT ‘KILL THE’ –?”@Tina_MUFC: KILL THE MASTERS!!!!!!! @The_Rabbit01: Nemrem si pomoć: ali umjesto Kill the Masters na splitskom zidu, meni je prošlo kroz glavu Hajduk živi vječno. #Split"
Translation, please!?!
Speaking of translation…
"@YgrittetheWild: So is that graffiti in English, Westerosi, or translated by the Tardis? @xtraceej: That wasn’t exactly a coded message dude.@shahanshahan: That’s probably the first graffiti I’ve seen in this show @jcl1987: And this my friends is why slavery died a long time ago. #killthemasters@AngryGoTFan: AND SO FAR DONALD STERLING IS LOVING THIS EPISODE #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@Bigswivel34: Mereen is so fucked right now."
It certainly was.
"@NerdgasmNoire: Welp, they free. #demthrones@duckandcover: Jorah has nothing better to do than count dead children on milestone markers. Best adviser EVER.@red3blog: “I will answer injustice with FUCKING YOU THE FUCK UP. KHALESSI OUT.” @cam_diesel: “Shut the fuck up, Ser Barristan” – Khaleesi@blknrdproblems: Dany is straight CRUCIFYING folks. And by folks, I mean the 1%. #demthrones@stevemaxboxing: Geez, the Khaleesi is like a light skinned Harriet Tubman @motelsonthemoon: “Mhysa, mhysa.” OMG JAR JAR STOP IT.@heyjulieann: looks like #gameofthrones learned a lesson about casting all-brown extras for these slave scenes@J_Collins1987: Daenerys Targaryen is like a fantasy version of Madonna and Angelina Jolie adopting all these kids @midwestspitfire: I’m going to make my child call me Mhysa. She’s also going to be a dragon!@motelsonthemoon: “Ugh, yellow is so last season, crucify them all.”Daenerys on Project Runway @LadyAntihero: Well, that’s the end of 163 of them. #DemThrones@ChavezChavis: Holy Mother of Dragons!@wilsontourhouse: Oh wow there goes my appetite@bgericke999: Someone needs to slap daenyrus and tell her that her ass ain’t shit."
I personally find her backside attractive.
"@Sean_Rosales: Yea, so don’t make the mother of dragons mad @Ochan30: Daenerys don’t play around.@motelsonthemoon: Once again, it takes a small white girl to free a city."
Hey, her size has nothing to do with it!
"@vivaciousvirgo: Yaaaaaaaaaassss Khaleesi…ain’t nobody got time for mercy. @CarlSpringerART: Khaleesi ANNOYS me why have generals if your never gonna listen to them @verastic: The Khaleesi wins again. Go Khaleesi!!!@pyrok1netic: DANY IS A FUCKING BADASS@Tom_Critchley: I honestly love daenerys targaryen. Honestly. @7373tinkerbell: How is dany going to feed all these people?"
They will dine on the salty tears of the ASoIaF fandom.
"@motelsonthemoon: I like how she’s listening to people scream in pain and agony, with that smug look on her face. Remind you of anyone? #Aerys"
Good to see that Motels’ hate for Dany remains strong.
"@DominiqueMosley: So lets give it up for the mother of dragons for taking over a whole city with just a speech"
A speech of FRRREEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMM!
Close up on the Targ flag, flown over the Harpy…
"@ErinMorelli: OOO OO TARGARYEN SIGIL FLAG! Yussssss #Represent@MsAnnie26: OMG! that freaking scene right there…the Targarygen banner flying high…LOOKED AMAZING! @LyannaTargaryen: Do you expect us to believe that Dany has had a 1000 square foot Targaryen banner all season? #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS"
I headcanon’d it by reasoning one of the Masters might have had one in some trophy case somewhere.
"@mherr1979: That Targaryan flag is AWESOME.@YaGirlMelberne: I got chills seeing a Targaryen flag hung up. #IprobablySpelledItWrong"
You spelled it perfectly. And yep, that was fantastic. #TeamTargaryen did cartwheels.
"@duckandcover: And then, Dany’s story ends and we never hear from her again."
Almost!
So we swing over to King’s Landing, where Jaime and Bronn spar in different ways…
"@deefalc: I know there is a good reason Ilyn Payne isn’t filling this role but I miss him!@T_Pfahler: Jaime Lannister’s haircut is still stupid."
Lies.
"@feellikepdiddy: Bronn on family duty #LOLZ@afooltocry: I went from not liking Jaime, to adoring Jaime, to kind of loathing the sight of his face #itscomplicated@fuzzybritches: Bronn dropping harsh truth bombs on Jaime. #TruthBronns@ReginaSmall: Bronn and Jaime are like two sides of the same cocky bastard expert swordsman coin.@cam_diesel: Bronn with the guilt trip. Worked, tho@motelsonthemoon: “You haven’t been to see him yet, eh.” “I have better things to do. Like, rape my sister.”@liz_belcher: If Jaime or Bronn doesn’t mention the six fingered man in one of these cliffside duels…#GameOfThrones #PrincessBride@PerfectUgly: Why Dosent the incest raper dude just Merle it up with a sword hand?"
Attach a CHAINSAW is what I’M sayin’!
"@Victoria_165: That was me knocking your ass to the dirt with your own hand. hahaha@Harold_Stu: That was a backhanded trick Bronn. Well done@becca_diane11: Bronn is just trying to give you a hand Jaime.@feellikepdiddy: Gotta hand it to Jaime, he’s very resilient #HandPuns"
Always.
"@ShadowTodd: Stop hitting yourself Jaime"
I’m totally using that for AxeyFabulous. Blatant thievery.
So Jaime goes and visits Tyrion…
"@deefalc: Two best actors on the show in one scene. Love it. #JaimeandTyrion @LyannaTargaryen: I’m really digging Tyrion’s chest hair in this scene.@_hei5dyk: The kings layer brothers@BigDamnHerosSir: You’re on to something with The Kingslayer Brothers. Form a band! There’s only two songs in Westeros, you should be golden!@feellikepdiddy: The Kingslayer Brothers sounds like a great metal band name #CasterlyROCK @duckandcover: “My prison time was worse than your prison time.” Lannisters and their constant dick-swinging. Even Cersei.@MegHunt_: I would personally go and save Tyrion from jail okay he is the best @Dazzlindiva: I can’t deal if they kill Tyrion. I can not!@rach_eva: Also: Tyrion and Jaime’s relationship makes me so happy, but also breaks my heart. @Darian_Robbins: Learned a new word, regecide"
I’m in favor of Game of Thrones being a part of any regular high school curriculum.
"@dainenyu: “Sansa’s not a killer. Not yet, anyway.” The HELL is that supposed to mean???"
Funny you should ask…
"@BeautyBrienne: “Yet”. I’m telling you, Theon and Sansa MURDERSPREE."
I would love for that to happen.
So that points to Awesome Transition Number One. Sansa and Littlefinger…
"@TheDiLLon1: “I’M ON A BOAT” – The Lonely Stark feat T-Pain and Little Finger #DemThrones@geniesaurus: The conspiracy theorists are right! Littlefinger IS Batman!@GameOverRos: Dammit, Captain Creepy. You’re as bad as Beetlejuice. Say your name, you appear. @NerdgasmNoire: Littlefinger came out of nowhere. Not a good idea to forget about Littlefinger. #demthrones@feellikepdiddy: Plotting 101 with Peytr Baelish and Sassy Sansa@BlackGirlNerds: Ssshhh Littlefinger is talking. This is soothing for me.@becca_diane11: Oh and it only took Littlefinger 3 seconds to start getting real creepy@AngryGoTFan: SWEET SEVEN WHY DOES LITTLEFINGER KEEP TELLING EVERYONE EVERYTHING?!?!?? NO ONE EVEN ASKED IF YOU WERE GETTING MARRIED #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@TaraGiancaspro: Baelish is gooooing to the moon door and he’s goooonna get maAAaries #TheMoonDoorOfLove@omgmybffmegan: Littlefinger gives off creepy uncle feels. @socrateesa: Little Finger is definitely Gary Oldman’s love child.@thelindsayellis: “No one suspects the butterfly”- Littlefinger"
I follow NobodySuspectsTheButterfly on Tumblr. Huge ASoIaF fan. Knowledgeable lass.
"@BigDamnHerosSir: “And what do you want?” *Littlefinger looks at her tits* “Oh, seriously, Petyr?” “What? Hmm? Uh, world peace. I want that”@MegHunt_: WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T TRUST LITTLE FINGER THAT SLIMY BASTARD @SayWhatSugar: Jamie, Littlefinger…will we get Ramsay and complete the scumbag trifecta?! @wesmanchild: and we have a TCAP situation right now…..with Baelish and Sansa….. @SayWhatSugar: Obligatory weekly “Poor Sansa” tweet.@BlaireLovesTV: The background music right now is fab, ok?"
I liked it. Very shifty. I need to re-watch other episodes to see if Baelish actually has his own theme music.
"@becca_diane11: No Sansa isn’t a killer. She just has very poor judgement when it come to trusting people she shouldn’t.@NerdTruth: She’s not a killer. Not yet anyway. Poor Sansa, she’s the most tortured character who’s still alive@7373tinkerbell: Who could trust you? Good one Sansa, you’re learning @BlackGirlNerds: They said “head on a spike” again. Drink up. #DemThrones"
I need to add that one to the list.
"@AngryGoTFan: SANSA JUST SAID I DONT UNDERSTAAAAND!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @heyjulieann: TO STICK HIS PENIS IN YOU SANSA HAVEN’T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION@NateBognar: Sansa don’t trust the mayor of Baltimore. Dude is shifty.@BlondeTech_7: Oh Littlefinger. You are SO creepy@NiceQueenCersei: Sansa, he’s touching you, remember that no means no.@mherr1979: Frankly, I’m for anything that gives us more Littlefinger."
Hey now.
"@alexxross: STRANGER DANGER SANSA! STRANGER DANGER!@fischlaw108: Dear Sansa: Littlefinger just said you’re safe: RUN LIKE THE DAMNED WIND CHILD!!!@pneumaz: Apparently #GameOfThrones has decided it was time to remind us how creepy and pedophilic Littlefinger is… #RunSansaRun!"
If #RunSansaRun isn’t already a thing, it should be.
"@aaronsagers: Anyone who questions how evil Baelish is, take a look at that facial hair! Thems whiskers of pure eeevil@drewarren1906: Why does Lord Baylish have that R. Kelly look in his eyes? #DemThrones @motelsonthemoon: Eww, stay away from her Pedofinger.@MatthewJones93: CHRIST Littlefinger is creepy@IncrediblyRich: I can’t quite place Littlefinger’s accent but I *think* it’s somewhere between Barbados and Hartlepool. @AngryGoTFan: THE SIGIL OF HOUSE BAELISH IS THE HEAD OF THE TITAN ON A FIELD OF GREEN!!!! NO!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @MissChaosTheory: I love lord Bailish so much"
You would.
"@Bigswivel34: Sansa you are an accessory dear@motelsonthemoon: “You’re too smart to trust a drunk.” Lol.@TaraGiancaspro: Look at Baelish coming in and explaining everything for the suburban soccer moms at home@duckandcover: Was Littlefinger this transparent in the books? Ugh, he’s so tacky.@markwalkerisme: SERIOUSLY LITTLEFINGERS ACCENT CHANGES EVERY FUCKING EPISODE.@keysmashblog: I KNEW THAT GIFT WAS SUSPECT.@MadisonFinley3: I’m starting to think #LittleFinger is a bad guy. #SuddenWisdom @MACgloss73: I never liked or trusted this guy."
Madness.
Littlefinger reveals he’s taking Sansa to–
"@nastassiachanel: Aun(tit)y Lysa!"
Hoping Lysa doesn’t become Sansa’s auntitty.
"@RigsbyStClaire: So… All of a sudden, everybody’s headed to Great Aunt Liza’s house. Where was she 2 seasons ago???"
Is it wrong I’m now picturing Liza Minelli at the Eyrie? And she’s fabulous?!
"@andressaholiday: Littlefinger is confessing that he killed Joffrey? I don’t think so"
I actually liked that Sansa kind wheedled it out of him. (Or did she?)
Another fine transition brings us to…
"@Sir_Davidio: That wordplay Littlefinger used with “Growing Strong” was perfect, that scene was perfect@theSamwellTarly: SSSHHHHH Natalie Dormer #hotasallsevenhells@phillyfan120790: House Tyrell may be one of my favorites@7373tinkerbell: Even olynna is tired of the garden!@mherr1979: The Queen of Thorns is LEAVING?! NOOOOOO."
Right?? I’m like, “Should I do a curtain call post…? But she hasn’t died! And who knows if she’s coming back at some point?! Might we see Highgarden?! I WANT TO SEE HIGHGARDEN!!” #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
"@LaurieHaz: What on earth is Margery wearing?? Has she been shopping in Sansa’s closet? It’s so…. demure.@feellikepdiddy: Most clothing Marge has worn in the past two seasons. Put together."
I think they’re all supposed to be in mourning clothes. Apparently black is their death color as well!
"@ErinMorelli: Don’t you go calling that Targaryen silver hair “ludicrous” Ms. Queen of Thorns. You know its hot.@britt_duke: OLENNA FUCKED A MAN INTO SUBMISSION OKAY.@wilsontourhouse: GET IT GRANDMAMA TYRELL@TaraGiancaspro: Olenna snatched her sister’s man AND I EXPECTED NOTHING LESS @TwiztedBeauti: “I was good. I was very, very good.” Aaaawww suki suki nah"
I have proof that she was very, very good:
One man’s “good” is another man’s… something else.
"@oh_eneri: oh god grandma@XBLcolonel: Too much info Granny. @duckandcover: WHO GIGGLES ABOUT HEARING THEIR GRANDPARENTS HAVING SEX?"
MARGAERY TYRELL, THAT’S WHO.
"@cam_diesel: Olenna get her husband by putting that thang on him!@fatpinkcast: oleanna was supposed to marry idris elba??? #luther #sorryitslate@motelsonthemoon: Olenna is one boss ass bitch.@WilGafney: Well now. Mama’s got moves: I was very good. The brother couldn’t walk the next morning. Hush your mouth.@jamespoling: So apparently Olenna Tyrell’s milkshake brought all the lords to the yard."
Just one.
As far as we know.
Well, one might assume she’d need to practice…
…
Fanfic writers: GO!
"@shlbyv: Grandma Tyrell is everything.@SimonJadis: Olenna Tyrell is my hero.@heyjulieann: OLENNA TYRELL IS MY FUCKING HERO@TaraGiancaspro: Olenna is the Beyonce of this entire show universe@MatthewAnchel: Diana Rigg is hardcore #queenofthorns@TaraGiancaspro: Olenna Tyrell/Scandal crossover: Olenna poisons Fitz’s whiskey. America is once again great. Make it happen Jimmy Kimmel!@motelsonthemoon: Margaery seems kind of dense.@AngryGoTFan: NOW MARGAERY JUST SAID I DONT UNDERSTAAAND TOO!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS"
But Marg soon understoood…
"@PhenomBlak: “You don’t think I’d let you marry that beast do you” ETHER!!!!! Grandmas always looking out for they grand babies@BigDamnHerosSir: HOLY SHIT SHE ACTUALLY ADMITTED IT AND I LOVE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW #QueenOfThorns@Onceofdays: I KNEW IT@essayjenkins: I knew it, she had the best motive@anonymousgeek5: It was the old lady with the necklace at the dinner table. #clue"
CLUE references always welcome.
"@KatieRobo95: I always knew I liked the Queen of Thorns for a good reason! @Durrtydoesit: I knew it was her!!! I knew it was her!! I knew it was her!!!!@MichaelPapes: Margery’s grandma is just like “I keep my shit handled, OKAY?”@pattieserrie: lady olenna is a gangsta.@chi_socialite: DAAAAANG! Olenna Tyrell is a G!@stopitbruh: DAMN GRANNY DRAMN #plottwist"
"@Lannistersex: Olenna ep 1: Be careful with that, even here with me. Olenna ep 4: Ayyyy yoooo I killed Joffrey lmao@AlyssCampanella: That’s right, Margaery. Granny’s got some secrets. The Lannisters aren’t the only ones who scheme and plot."
Schemes and plots are the… same thing, really…
"@Harold_Stu: STOP PLAYING WITH NECKLACES OLENNA. IT SCARES PEOPLE@delenasanarchy: THIS IS SO WRONG!!!!! MARGAERY KNEW ALREADY SHE KNEW THE PLAB U FUCKING IDIOTS I HATE THIS SHOW"
NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS
…Wait, what’s a plab?
So we transition to Castle Black…
"@p3pp3rp0tts86: Unnf Kit Harrington@LyannaTargaryen: Lord sneeeeeeeeeew. Drink! #keeperofdrinkinggamerules@BlackGirlNerds: We need a shirtless Jon Snow tonight. #DemThrones"
Too cold up there. Be merciful!
"@heyjulieann: green’s kinda hot too come sit by me @duckandcover: Grenn is my favorite. idc.@BigDamnHerosSir: “Have you ever held a sword before?” “I was the best archer” “Well, that’s kinda what I asked. Wait. No it isn’t. Shut up”@Harold_Stu: Chekhov’s Archer."
I LOL’d.
Probably true though.
"@ConfusedGoTFan: WHAT CHAPTER DID VARGO HOAT GET SENT TO THE WALL??!!!@DarthRachel: Thranporterths!!!!@SayWhatSugar: Wait, stop, wasn’t that the Bolton soldier with Jon Snuh?! RUN, SNUH @SnarkLore: Is that…. Locke?! Interesting."
It was Locke. And it was interesting!
"@mherr1979: OH SHIT. IT’S THAT ASSHOLE WHO CUT OF JAIME’S HAND.@scott4567: Locke! Undercover brother…@princiell: oh wait yeah that’s the guy bolton sent to look for bran and rick on@kaiawrites: Why does this Crow look JUST like Count Rougan from Princess Bride?"
I kind of want to see a scene between him and Pedro Pascal now.
You keeled Elia. Prepare to die.
"@BeautyBrienne: You’re in an all-boy’s club, Locke. There’s a decided lack of cunts around. @Dmoney0115: Snow going to have to kill him@NerdgasmNoire: Let’s just hope Jon Snow is smarter and less noble than his father. #demthrones@jax1125: “Go find a chamber pot to empty.” I’m adding this to my cussing without cursing arsenal.@duckandcover: Janos Slynt and Alliser Thorne are my favorite Gossip Girls.@theSamwellTarly: What the seven hells is with Janos Slynt’s beard? It’s eating his neck.@ErinMorelli: “My father was high born, my mother… was not” – YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW"
THERE IS NO PROOF ITS ONLY A THEORY OK
"@duckandcover: OH MY GOD JON THNOW AND LOCKE TOGETHER AT LATH."
I see what you did there.
Back down in King’s Landing, Jaime enters Cersei’s domain… (yet again without permission)…
"@YgrittetheWild: Welp, Cersei’s on a bender.@motelsonthemoon: Cersei and her wine #Otp@LyannaTargaryen: Cercei drinks wine– drink! #keeperofdrinkinggamerules"
Man, I need these drinking game rules.
"@BigDamnHerosSir: “I don’t understand why you’re being such a bitch” “Well, you raped me. And I’m drunk. Also, have you met me? Just saying”@fatpinkcast: cerise’s evil vagina and jaime’s holy redemption arc (despite what he did to cersei last episode) #doisoundbitter?@HereWeGoLupiLu: You know how many feminists hate you, Jamie? Actually they all do. @_kamaug: Cersei is stingy..maybe it’s cause she was just raped. Nah that’s not it @JonSnowBastrd: Cersei and Jaime acting like nothing happened in the last episode. @ShadowTodd: “…did I do something? Geez, what gives?” -Jaime@heyjulieann: what is the aftermath of that rape tho"
“Editing Malfunction.”
"@WrecklessLove: Cersi done lost it. shes thinks everyone is guilty lol@karidarlin: Cersei. OMG. STFU.@MeetJaneBlack: Cersei wants Jaime to put family first. Complicated. Really, really complicated. #LannisterProblems@AngryGoTFan: JAIME STOP BEING JAIME AND BE OSMUND KETTLEBLACK #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@SuGaZ_Way: So now they’re admitting #Joffrey came from incest. ..well I guess it wasn’t unusual back then@misssdorian: Why does looking at Cersei face make me want to drink?!@emmacaulfield: Hey Cersei, you’re super annoying & no one thinks Sansa is a bitch except for you. Maybe think about that when doing your inventory. Drunk.@Hungerlock: Is there a single episode where Cersei doesn’t drink @asmillars13: Cersei is going fucking crazy."
Going?
Segue to… Tommen!
"@ShadowTodd: King Tommen in the books was like Ralph Wiggum, but in the show he’s more like Butters"
Twitter started really buzzing when a certain cat was referenced…
"@AnthonyLy49: HE SAID IT!! #SerPounce@heyjulieann: ser pounce or gtfo@SternumNews: SER POUNCE REFERENCE OH MY GOD YES@scott4567: Ser Pounce reference! Drink!"
And then said feline made his intro appearance:
"@scott4567: Ser Pounce cameo! Drink!"
I DONT THINK THOSE ARE THE RULES
Drink or no drink, Twitter basically went bonkers as every single book-reader made known their love of this one stink in’ cat:
"@JillybeanButtle: Ser Pounce!@becca_diane11: SER POUNCE!!!@HoganMcLaughlin: SER POUNCEEEEEE!!!!!!@deefalc: SER POUNCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@TheMattFowler: SER. MOTHERFUCKIN. POUNCE. @undercover_emi: SER POUNCE!!!!!!!!! I AM FULLFILLED!!!!!!!!!@oldapartment: SER POUNCE IS LITERALLY ALL I CARE ABOUT @leleana: SER POUNCE MADE HIS TV SHOW DEBUT!!! So happy the show included that incredibly important kitten character. @BrinaOfDoom: Of course Tommen would have a cat named “Ser Pounce”@TheGameOfNerds: Sir Pounce. Best name for a cat ever. @SarahWurrey: Immediately changing my cat’s name to Ser Pounce.@katie_burr: I’M NAMING MY NEXT KITTY SER POUNCE. @Maccadaynu: I predict thousands of kittens named Ser Pounce in the next year. @IanDavidZelaya: Ser Pounce: The hero of #GameOfThrones@androg912: Sir Pounce #newfavoritecharacter@feellikepdiddy: Two cats in Tommen’s bed #SoManyInappropriatePuns #CantSayIt"
It’s okay. Everyone else did.
"@BeautyBrienne: Heh. Pussyblocked.@WritingsofwoRm: Pussy jumps on bed. Foreshadowing or nah?@duckandcover: Tommen about to get another kind of kitty.@motelsonthemoon: Ser Pounce and Margaery. Tommen is drowning in the pussy.@flickchickdc: QUEEN Natalie Dormer is a cat lover too?! Bow!"
Once the cat talk died off, the discussion changed just a wee bit in tone…
"@rustyhalo26: Oh man. Oh man this makes me itchy@SeattleSlim: Look at Margaery getting her little cougar game in.@JCov_net: Margaery really knows how to get a young boy excited in the middle of the night@MACgloss73: Umm, how old is this kid???"
Old enough to start sweating profusely.
"@BeautyBrienne: She’s 30. He’s like 12. Someone call Chris Hansen.@StreetzTalk: Margery about to bust it open for a real prince@BigDamnHerosSir: Okay, Tommen, I know what you’re thinking, but she’s 0 for 2 on husbands. Take it slow, son.@DwillzJr: Margery is bad but not badder then daenerys @Chris__Coke: Margery…c’mon, don’t fuck this boy…@NiceQueenCersei: And Margaery has joined the ranks of the seven pedobears."
I’m a little afraid to ask who the others are.
"@DPzzle: Now I see why they aged up Tommen… @Tanagariel: Poor Tommnen having Margaery in his bedroom haha the poor thing@ThomasAmador37: Tommen you’re a lucky son of a bitch@SimoneBoyce: Tommen is hott. There I said it."
… Alrighty!
"@Just_Enrique: Tommen LOL #demthrones@ASiegemundBroka: Anyone wanna just be Tommen Lannister right now??@AngryGoTFan: TOMMEN BE LIKE U CAN VISIT ME RIGHT DOWN HERE GURL #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS"
Tommen did not understaaand.
Twitter did though. Because it kept going. I think TOMMEN trended. I know Ser Pounce did.
Margaery probably didn’t because so many people mangle the spelling of her name.
"@PopzillaJoe: I wish WE had a secret, Margaery. @Phoenixs_Flame_: Margaery is to Tommen what Petyr is to Sansa basically@allison_mick: Tommen only like Margaery because she looks like a cat @cam_diesel: Margaery want some D from Tommen. Teach that boy how you like it, girl. @asthompson74: I guess the legal age in Kings Landing is a little low.@Terri_Schwartz: Anyone who considers Margaery to be a villain on #GameOfThrones needs to seriously reevaluate how they watch this show. She is the best.@JohnFetscher: Margaery Tyrell is the shit@GameOverRos: ‘I become yours forever.’ Or until my grandmother decides to kill you. Whichever is more convenient.@BaseHeadJones: Where’s the Marvin Gaye?@RossKyrin: Margeary you are not going to bang that 13 year old boy, stop it. @SeattleSlim: Margaery is following the Mary Kay Letourneu playbook.@Ldpfoster: Why doesn’t Margaery Tyrell sneak into my room goddammit??!! The saucy minx!! @afooltocry: I would not marry Margarey, she’s got some serious Black Widow shite going on there@fmorizio: Oh she’s good, she’s so so good@LyannaTargaryen: Weeeeeeeelllll we know what Tommen will be doing as soon as Margaery leaves.."
Hopefully that’s not going to be part of the GoT drinking game.
"@heyjulieann: tom men’s gotta go find some tissues now@BlackGirlNerds: I need to learn how to run that game like Margaery. And checkmate. #DemThrones@Mahbu335: Tommen’s face with Margaery was priceless!! #TommenForKing@BeccaEmilyB: We must protect Tommen Baratheon are all costs. He is so sweet. @AngryGoTFan: TOMMEN JUST HAD EVERY 12 YEAR OLDS DREAM COME TRUE AND BLEW IT #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@Soulrific: Pedophilia, rape and incest running rampant on this show.@and123wm: The scene with #MargaeryTyrell tonight was pretty much every boy in high schools dream. #TheBayst@SayWhatSugar: Awww, that Marg/Tommen scene was actually really sweet once we knew there wasn’t anything horribly wrong going down@andressaholiday: Joffrey didn’t liked anything Tommem@AngryGoTFan: SOMETHING TELLS ME TOMMENS GONNA BE UP A FEW MINUTES AFTER MARGY LEAVES #OHHHHHHHHHH #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @OliviaRoy: the look on Tommen;s face is priceless"
Probably the primary reason for the recast. Dean-Charles Chapman was really good in both episodes 3 and 4. Bravo to him!
…
But sons and daughters, if they recast Myrcella I will lose mah shet.
So Brienne meets with Jaime…
"@TaraGiancaspro: Thank you to the writers for giving the ladies all of these Harlequin-esque shots of Jaime and his sword."
And a sword and some armor later…
… Twitter blew up again.
"@TaraGiancaspro: He liked it so he put a sword on it. #JaimeAndBrienne4Eva@SimoneBoyce: OATHKEEPER!!!!! Yeaaaaa boiiiii@motelsonthemoon: Damn, that armor is nice.@delenasanarchy: JAIME AND BRIENNEEEEEEE OHMYGOD THE TEARS ARE SO REAL@WilliamKJardine: Aw, this Jaime-Brienne stuff is breaking my heart. @MadMakNY: Let’s face it, Jaime & Brienne are soulmates. Figure it out, you two.@themystikaal: Why can’t Brienne be in every scene? By the way, Jaime? This does NOT make what you did last week ok. FOH@beth_killian: I like that we are starting to see the better side of Jaime Lannister. @duckandcover: Remember when Jaime’s rise to redemption and lawfulness was clean and swift? Pepperidge Farm remembers.@LostOnTheFringe: JAIME HAS GOODNESS IN HIM.@cam_diesel: Jamie gave Brienne his Valyrian steel sword?!?!!?!?!!??!!?!!?!?!? He REALLY loves her, yo.@mherr1979: HE MADE ARMOR FOR HER."
I think he bought armor for her.
"@duckandcover: He got it at Jared’s, Brienne.@moonprincess666: I LOVE JAIME LANNISTER! I LOVE THAT MY IPHONE AUTOCORRECTS LANNISTER!"
That is impressive.
"@duckandcover: Jaime could’ve easily gotten her measurements right or was that bath scene wasted in S3?@LeavittAlone: BRIENNE IS THE PERFECT KNIGHT, OF COURSE SHE HAS TO SERVE THE FAIRY TAIL PRINCESS@theSamwellTarly: Jamie’s like, I need a new sword now dammit.@rafaella_gil: Jamie × Brienne: eu acredito! @inkasrain: ARGH I STILL SHIP IT. JAIME AND BRIENNE. I CAN’T NOT.@LongLastDion: Jaime and Brienne are my OTP"
Welcome. Plenty of room on this ship. It’s like the Titanic. Wait, no–
Transition to:
"@asjksd1ghs: POD’S FACE@cam_diesel: LMAO PODRICK!!!!!!!!@EducatingGeeks: OMG, look how pleased Pod is. @thematches: Podricks smile…oh the lawls@ShanBarnsley: I love you, Podrick. @dieslaughing: Really wish last week hadn’t tainted this sequence for me but Pod’s smile is my everything.@YgrittetheWild: And Pod almost looked hopeful for a bit of a snog.@BigDamnHerosSir: Pod’s smile when Jaime’s sending him with Brienne?? I bet that’s the smile he gave the whores."
Well it worked! On them and us. Best smile ever.
"@portiagabrielle: Pod is the best thing about this show hands down @BlackGirlNerds: I don’t want Podrick to die either….he’s got ya know…potential. #DemThrones@Terri_Schwartz: Pod has the best heart in all of the Seven Kingdoms.@GameOverRos: ‘You have my axe’"
And my Pod.
"@BeautyBrienne: POD! I GOT A POD! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!@YepItsLauren: Pod is my favorite.@duckandcover: Podrick Payne graduated from the Neville Longbottom School of Looking Good. @rastamiller: I wish I had a squire @TaraGiancaspro: Brienne clearly has not heard of Pod’s reputation, refusing his service. @bellwitch911: I kind of want Podrick Payne to be my boyfriend.@feellikepdiddy: At least we got a “Ser. Milady.”@meligrey: Brienne, girl, you lookin’ fine."
She was. She also named her sword.
"@lucchaser: What she named her sword?!?@duckandcover: Only cunts name swords, Jaime.@JoesGonnaTweetU: Gasp “Oath Keeper”!? That’s the name of a sword in Kingdom Hearts also!! @essiedarcy: Jaime! You love her, you idiot!@celsojrrosas: I feel like most of my life is spent waiting for fictional characters to get together."
You, and me, and like… there’s at least one other person who does that.
"@TaraGiancaspro: If I worked with Nikolaj I would ruin every take by trying to make out with him. @marielou316: I know Jamie loves Cersei and all but c’mon man, a goodbye kiss to Brienne wouldn’t hurt"
Right??
"@theSamwellTarly: …because I love you…@theSamwellTarly: Turns around, looks back, whispers, “I know.”@oldapartment: I HAVE TOO MUCH ALCOHOL INSIDE OF ME, THIS POD/BRIENNE/JAIME THING IS GOING TO MAKE ME CRY@BeautyBrienne: I’m kind of sobbing at the moment. Don’t tell anyone."
You and the rest of us. Great scene.
So with teary eyes we fly up to the Wall and Castle Black…
"@Harold_Stu: Jonwell Snowly"
A man ships what he ships.
"@Lrochellew: How is Jon Snow still alive? #YouKnowNothing@delenasupremacy: WHY IS JON SNOW STILL ON THIS SHOW?????????????"
…
Because he’s awesome? Jon Snuuuuuu!
"@LadyAntihero: WOW! Sam told.@LauraByrneCrist: WOAH WOAH WOAH…did we just wildly deviate from canon?????@motelsonthemoon: WHAT!!!????? SAM TOLD JON ABOUT BRAN."
Ghost barked. And Sam told.
Reaction was stronger than I expected!
"@AngryGoTFan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-08t07098t708we97t907eiushjksodjvbdsoighsd09SFDUGISODFUGJ[OIFGNJOSDNGOISDHGSD BRAN JON NOOOOOOOOO@Sir_Davidio: WAIT JON DOESN’T KNOW BRAN IS NORTH OF THE WALL DOES HE? SAM DIDN’T TELL HIM IN THE BOOKS RIGHT? AM I JUST IMAGINING THAT? @AngryGoTFan: I JUST TORE OFF MY OWN HEAD AND THREW IT THROUGH THE WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #BRANANDJON #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @AlyssaRosenberg: It’s fascinating to watch this scene as the book reader, and to just have absolutely no idea what is going to happen.@LauraByrneCrist: I need to rewatch that. SAM TOLD JON ABOUT BRAN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Time will tell if that has actual repercussions!
"@BigDamnHerosSir: “How fast could they travel?” “A cripple, two teenagers, and a dimwitted giant? Oh, like the wind, no doubt” “Shut up, Sam”@NiceQueenCersei: Jon really does know how hard it is. Ygritte taught him well.@cam_diesel: Locke’s presence at Castle Black is….troubling to me. @becca_diane11: I think there is something in the Stark blood that makes them trust the wrong people"
So Jon goes to make his case…
"@theSamwellTarly: That boiled chicken looks delish said no one ever. @TScottBrave: Alaister, Hoat, and Slynt. Jon has his hands full.@WeightmanNPNG: Vargo Hoat at the wall! Unheard of"
No Hoats as far as I can see.
"@shababe18: I net you black hair steps up too. They setting him up with that one. Told u@BlackGirlNerds: I’m enjoying seeing Jon breakin in his new leadership shoes. @MoonpieJenkins: Jon Snow taken over for the 99 and the 2000 #demthrones@NiceQueenCersei: Jon Snow has pretty hair. And he’s saying things, I suppose.@duckandcover: Every time someone makes a grand speech in this show, I expect them to get the Theon treatment: a 2×4 to the back of the head.@SamanthaEngst: Oh Captain! My Captain! #jonsnow@heyjulieann: ty grenn you’re a real bro@fatpinkcast: yeah lord snow, i’ll take it…slow@mherr1979: Am I the only one wondering where Ghost is?@SeattleSlim: Jon Snow lets the haters know.@karyntess1: Jon Snow is so pretty, I’ll join him.@Destinia404: I will go, Jon Snow!"
Was basically waiting for Jennifer Lawrence to pop up screaming, “I VOLUNTEER!”
"@antidemblog: He warned you that Jon Snow is popular.@dieslaughing: Looks like Thorne is….eating crow. (Thank you, good night.)@Deyanira_1: And the award for motivational speaker of the year goes to Jon @fischlaw108: “Who will join me?” Oh, surprisingly some new guy I’ve just met volunteers, seems legit. #StarkLogic@heyjulieann: ugh i don’t want locke to go he’s just there to put a knife in jon’s back NO DON’T DO IT@AngryGoTFan: I REFUSE TO COMMENT ON THE LOCKE SUBPLOT TO EVEN GIVE IT ANY LEGITIMACY #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@JillybeanButtle: I love Noah Taylor. Is that a bad thing?"
Nope! I love him too. I hate Locke as a fictional person though. Total asshole.
So northward we go…
"@scott4567: Craster’s Keep = Kingdom of the Damned@GameOverRos: Craster’s Keep. Uh oh. This won’t end well.@HBO_UK: Not exactly a rest befitting of the Old Bear. @BlackGirlNerds: This guy has a Willem Dafoe thing goin on. #DemThrones@JillybeanButtle: Does Burn Gorman not remind everyone of Willem Dafoe? God he’s scary. Get that man in some Shakespeare."
Speaking of Bill:
"@Harold_Stu: Alas poor Mormont. I knew him well@feellikepdiddy: I KNEW HIM, HORATIO #PoorYorick #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @duckandcover: Burn Gorman’s talents are wasted here, but he makes an excellent sub-subplot villain.@Kristophius: So Owen’s gone off the rails since Torchwood ended @flyinsaucier: Burn Gorman is the coolest name since Rip Torn.@OhMySaunders: Stop talking out of the side of your mouth and leave this people alone!!!!!@GameOverRos: He’s drinking wine from a skull?? Ramsay Snow just called. He thinks you guys are sick.@jamiemijares: They’re showing an orgy in this episode. Just a heads up."
Thanks for the warning, brah.
"@feellikepdiddy: Everyone playing the #GameOfThrones drinking game just died from potty mouthed mutineer’s speech@jmarsh4037: Boobies! Everybody drink.@heyjulieann: these titties are sad titties@wednesdaydreams: what the fuck is this scene??????? how is it relevant???????@DarthRachel: There must be a rape mandate #stooopppit@BigDamnHerosSir: Seriously, #GameOfThrones, why are we EXTRA rapey this season? It’s a fucking cop out.@nickcarrillo77: I really enjoyed the “Dear Penthouse Scene,” in #GameOfThrones tonight.@SeattleSlim: I wanna cuss cats out just like him. He got him all the way together.@BlackGirlNerds: Dude says the C word like every 5 seconds."
Here is all of Karl’s dialogue. NSFW.
"@motelsonthemoon: “Gift to the gods.” Sounds like my kind of cult.@duckandcover: Everybody knows about the White Walkers up in here.@TheonsToyGOT: Klackers.. I will name that Craster’s wife Klackers. @MelissaLynnette: Ooh. Yeah. Don’t give them their payment. Let the White Walkers come kill the fuck out of these dudes.@LyannaTargaryen: My roommate: “why don’t they just eat that prom night dumpster baby?” I’m afraid to sleep tonight.@Summer_Dawn: Fucking coward. Even Craster fucking gave those kids over himself."
Alas. Rast takes the baby out…
"@tami2205: No not the baby. Leave that baby alone@becca_diane11: I have a feeling karma is going to bite this Rast guy in the ass"
There may be multiple curtain calls next week.
"@omgmybffmegan: This show is the ultimate birth control. @Jaina_Katniss: Please let a walker kill him @amy_parker_: Don’t you hurt little Sam!!!!"
That’s not Sam.
I mean, unless Sam suddenly became a really popular name.
"@OMGitsARG: I could deal with everything beside those sacrificing babies scenes.@SpazP: Casual raping and baby killing.@TaraGiancaspro: Let’s just kill a baby on top of everything despicable we’ve done the last two weeks. – GOT writing room@NikkiVaLove: Killing babies on #GameOfThrones awful!!@Human__Trash: That’s what they do to babies in the Bronx"
It’s true. I lived there.
"@Joykoe: Someone save the baby!!!"
No saviors to be seen! But we did see something else very interesting…
"@7373tinkerbell: Wait is that Ghost? I’m so lost@mohvado: Ohhhh what the fuckkk they got ghost?!??!?@grimmlig: And I’m like Awww shiiiit @anh62950: Aww, Puppy!@ErinMorelli: Awww, poor Ghost :(@deefalc: OMG poor Ghost! Makes me want to cry :(@AngryGoTFan: GHOST IS JUST HANGING OUT IN A FEEBLE WOODEN CAGE?!?!?!?!?!?! NEVER HAPPEN!!! NEVER!!! HAPPEN!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @Jaina_Katniss: Um Ghost will eat your dick off @heyjulieann: RIP HIS DICK OFF WOLF BABY@BigDamnHerosSir: Like, legit, though. How on EARTH did they *capture* a direwolf and not have to kill it in the process?"
Well there are these pit traps, you see, and–
"@BigDamnHerosSir: Oh. They caught him in a trap, apparently. Swiss Family Robinson style!"
Righto.
Anyway. Nearby (?) are Bran, Jojen, Meerra, and–
"@MissLadyCandy: “Hodor” i’m ok for today@duckandcover: Summer had better not meet Ghost. STOP WITH THESE CHANGES.@GameOverRos: Oh, you are SO going to get disembowelled by those direwolves. @mherr1979: If the show gives me a Jon/Bran reunion I will legit cry.@Cybersoulja: Brann is gonna do his professor x thing and save the baby I hope."
Bran needs to worry about his own damn self.
"@IamEezy: Bran went all praise satan on us@Rahson1919: Summer is huge!@Jinxedjo15: I’m more worried about Bran’s wolf Summer, than I am for anyone on the show. @GeekTrench: Violence against wolves will NOT be tolerated!!!@AngryGoTFan: OH LOOK THEY CAPTURED SUMMER TOO BECAUSE DIREWOLVES ARE SO STUPID AND GULLIBLE??????? #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS #GAMEOFTHRONES DIREWOLVES?!?!?"
Bran: Neato!
Jojen: Cool… mnh… guh…
Hodor: Hodor.
Meera: NO. YOU GUYS. THIS IS RAPEY. WE LEAVE NOW.
"@heyjulieann: meera knows when to gtfo@duckandcover: Meera Reed with the logic.@Tiggy4Real: Jojen why you look like you dying? MEERA DOESN’T WANT TO GET RAPED, BRAN . . . damn"
Damn is right.
"@Harold_Stu: Okay. Well this is a definite divergence@TheOtherJuicy_J: I just SCREAMED Holy Crap!!!!@FireandLunch: “What the actual fuck is going on here?” – The whole game of thrones fandom right now @cam_diesel: OH SHIT!! BRAN IS RIGHT UP THERE!!!!!! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!! @Woit_52: Am I the only one crapping their pants right now!?!?!?!?!?!? @Lem889: also is Jojen okay like can we get this guy some versed? I am concerned for him"
So … then we got to see Hodor being bear baited, and…
Twitter basically freaked out.
Like seriously freaked out.
(Feel free to go get a beverage, this one’s gonna take a bit of scrolling…)
"@dawn9476: Bastards chained up Hodor. :(@motelsonthemoon: NOW THEY’RE TALKING SHIT ABOUT HODOR?!@dieslaughing: WHAT?!?!?!?@AngryGoTFan: HODOR IN CHAINS AT CRASTERS AND I JUST TORE MY CLOTHES OFF AND RAN OFF SCREAMING INTO THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @RyanMartinson1: I’m pissed Hodor is chained. I hope those knights watch traitors burn in hell@theSamwellTarly: Please no one rape Hodor.@feellikepdiddy: DID THEY JUST STAB HODOR?!?!@heyjulieann: HDU STAB HODOR@Bigswivel34: Hodor!!!!@LaurenEnglish94: No poor Hodor!@SFdirewolf: HODOR!! #GOTNOC #DemThrones@LongLastDion: WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT@duckandcover: OH HELL NO. NOT HODOR.@Toireasa94: Awwwww :( I’m gonna cry no one can hurt Hodor! Those bastards! I hate them all!@XPGizzl3: Poor Hodor…@TreYip1922: Poor Hodor!@BigMike5893: DONT PICK ON HODOR HES AWESOME@HamSandwich95: DON’T HURT HODOR!!!!!@GenericJan: NO! Leave Hodor alone, you fuckers! @MsAnnie26: No no no no omg!!!! I’m gonna cry!@crespo_elvis: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT DONT HURT HORDOR@banana_pncakes7: OMG YOU DO NOT MESS WITH HODOR@GrantedComedy: NO. PLEASE NOT HODOR. JUST KILL BRAN OR SOMETHING."
Damn, yo.
"@Pucxho: Ohhhhh Nooooooooo please don’t kill Hoddor@amy_parker_: Don’t you dare hurt Hodor!!!@ssssamantha: i swear to god if they kill off Hodor i will stop watching this show. @motelsonthemoon: WHAT THE HELL?! Leave Hodor alone@e_delisa: LEAVE HODOR ALONE!!!!!!@queenkandis: HODOR.@dcourty: YOU ASSHOLES LEAVE HODOR ALONE! This wasn’t in the book! Fuck this shit! @shannonnn1213: Poor Hodor@LyannaTargaryen: #Hodor baiting is a lot like bear baiting, I suppose. Where’s Brienne when you need her?@Destinia404: This is the worst episode ever! Who hurts Hodor. #unforgivable @Courtlove98: Yo they need to not pick on hodo!!@NiceQueenCersei: Poor Hodor. He needs a hug.@BeautyBrienne: Ok. Sansa Theon Hodor murderspree.@TonySolo: Hodor@Mahbu335: DON’T HURT HODOR!! DON’T HURT SUMMER!!! DON’T HURT GHOST!!! @Slimiz: “All men must die”"
But hopefully not Hodor!
It was kinda funny reading these tweets; seeing the book fans finally in the same boat as the Unsullied.
Freaking. Out.
"@MRC1981: Damn they got Bran!! #fb@BurninAliveFL: What is it, Jojen Reed? You are not looking well. @heyjulieann: no but for real: how is jojen so sweaty@pinklem73: WTF is going on?@motelsonthemoon: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??????@heyjulieann: oh meera. oh shit, oh meera.@ToddCMatthy: I don’t remember this from the books.@SeattleSlim: People read the books. This is some watered down bullshit. @LauraByrneCrist: OK so earlier when I said I wanted Meera to have a really awesome scene, this wasn’t what I had in mind.@RachFarb: This whole episode is off-book. Makes it interesting, I suppose. @RgWat: Few changes from the book but still love it@ErinMorelli: OMG, like this ENTIRE episode is invented (not in the books). And it shows. Ugh.@LauraByrneCrist: So I feel like they are tearing pages out of the book and going screw it!@obrilkovich: How dare you….@BigDamnHerosSir: Listen. Why the fuck are we padding Bran’s storyline when there’s tons of other shit to get to in other story lines?"
FaB’s (SPOILERY!) Soapbox Time!
I get that some of the fandom doesn’t give two rats tits about Bran’s storyline. That’s their prerogative. I do. Isaac is awesome, Kristian is freaking HODOR, and Ellie Kendrick and Thomas Brodie-Sangster have done so much with so little screen time they should be up for some sort of freaking award. But the fact of the matter is, Bran is basically one or two scenes away from his current position at the end of book 5. So the show has to either add some extracurricular Bran activities or go without Isaac, et/al for a full season—maybe more.
(Isaac will probably be 9 feet tall by that time.)
(Which doesn’t really matter, since he’s lying down most of the time, but hey.)
To understand various changes from the books you may have to consider a bunch of that boring stuff many of you hate to consider, i.e. things like television contracts. How shit gets done.
Actors need things to do. It’s why they added scenes for Richard Madden and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau in season 2 and Alfie Allen in season 3–so they could keep them.
So the choice is basically: make shit up or risk losing the actor for the stuff that’s coming down the pike.
Now as to why they needed Jon to learn that Bran was north of the Wall (or the weirdly convoluted thinking that went into the “WELL CLEARLY HE’S GOING TO CRASTER’S” realization)… I have no freaking clue. Maybe we’ll find out next week.
Hell, I’m still trying to process why the fuck Sam didn’t tell anyone about the mutiny. Like it took Grenn and Edd stumbling back to make people go, “HOLY HELL! WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!”
Manufactured drama never ever sells. Come on, writers.
Anyway. I agree they needed to go off script for Bran. The situation itself is exciting. I can’t wait to see what happens next week! I love being on the edge of my seat. If the execution was clunky, well…
I guess we can bitch at ’em and snarl, “Write better.”
End Soapbox.
"@JonSnowBastrd: My direwolf is capture, bran is captured, the wildlings are coming and the White Walkers. I’ve got a lot of shit to do.@25ShadesOfJay: Im freaking out tf is Jon Snow when you need him?@BonTempsCutie: Please tell me Jon Snow is coming to kill these bastards."
Jon Snow is coming to kill these bastards.
"@letsgetfree13: I’d put Bran right the fuck back where I found him. I wouldn’t want those problems from Jon Snow THE GAWD. #DemThrones"
Damn straight. Because Kit Harington learned a fuckton of new sword moves on POMPEII, and he’s just itching to try ’em out on some weaksauce Night’s Watch mutineers.
"@mapleleafH50: We are not in Martin’s #GOT books any more…. WTH just happened in #GameofThrones???????????@JustinMDanford: Ironic episode name for one that has no interest keeping to the story @SFdirewolf: Noooooooooo, Bran! He just lost his leverage #GOTNOC #DemThrones@theSamwellTarly: No, no, COLDHANDS to the rescue!?@heyjulieann: this is weird and scary and i hate it@DarthRachel: Omg WHAT IS HAPPENING is this how unsullied feel?! #oathbreaker@LiaRenard: ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????@YhuriMachado: WHAT. THE. FUCK.@LauraByrneCrist: AND now other people know Bran is alive!?!?!?! This works how exactly?!?!?!?!"
A lot of people are gonna have to die.
"@feellikepdiddy: Drink every time they ruin the plot #OhWait #EntireEpisode@BeautyBrienne: The Reeds are ‘fancy-looking folks’? Really?"
Someone forgot to tell wardrobe.
"@TaraGiancaspro: Abandoned baby, caged animals, sexual trauma aftermath. This ep is like a big middle finger aimed at tumblr."
I enjoyed the episode more based on that thought alone.
Tumblr is awesome.
"@AngryGoTFan: SEE BRAN IF YOUD FOLLOWED COLDHANDS WOULDNT BE NO PROBLEM!!!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@OhFaerieNuff: GAHH!!! This did not happen in the book!@7373tinkerbell: MY 5 YEAR OLD IS ASKING IF THIS IS #GameOfThrones WHAT DO I TELL HER? #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@TaraGiancaspro: Bran just pulled a “no but DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM” and for once I’m relieved to see that@LauraByrneCrist: Hell maybe Benjen Stark will save the day. It’s just as much canon as this is@O_Shaw: Fuck Bran! Now I’m going to have to google what happens after this."
Good luck with that.
But the episode wasn’t quite over just yet!
We had one more White Walker to meet…
"@theSamwellTarly: Great in TV GoT we all hate Jamie but are now rooting for the White Walkers.@BigDamnHerosSir: ICE ZOMBIE, YOU BETTER COVER THAT BABY’S HEAD! #basicchildcare @cam_diesel: Wassup White Walker, bro. You good, homie? Aight.@bexysteel: ARE WE IN MORDOR RIGHT NOW@duckandcover: Pretty sure that’s Mordor.@feellikepdiddy: Seriously the circle looks like Weathertop #GAMEOFTHERINGS #LORDOFTHETHRONES@inkasrain: Wh… whaaaat…. What, what?? #frostgiants? #Loki????"
If Hiddles had made a surprise appearance, Tumblr would have imploded.
"@BeautyBrienne: I had a mount like that in Dark Age of Camelot."
I never got my own mount. Only the ones that went from point A to point B. :(
"@Larakate: White walker day care services coming to Brooklyn soon! @red3blog: True Story: White Walkers now have a commanding lead as best parents in Westeros."
Sad but true.
"@Elita___One: what is this mofo on my tv holding my damn baby@Angelized_1st: Didn’t the King of the White Walkers get killed by Sam?@thick_quink: Awww….what a beautiful blue-eyed baby you have there, frozen Darth Maul. @ARMeneely: I will take the Pale-Blue Darth Maul look over the Albino Planet of the Apes look any day! #SpoilerAlert @ClassyVintage: @BlackGirlNerds Wait. Did the white walker take the baby to aliens?@Carrotbone: White walkers be like peek-a-boo, got your nose.@im_no_ser: I can make a girl’s eyes shine with a touch of my finger too.@cam_diesel: Whoa. Huh? What just happened. And, who is that? The king of the White Walkers? I NEED ANSWERS"
"@Davi21: … Just like dat… With one touch… #WhiteWalker@Miss__Amber: I like poking baby cheeks too. But not like that. #SomeoneNeedsAManicure@heyjulieann: WHAT THE FUCK@EmbreeDarling_: MAMA OSHA, YOUR BABY IS IN TROUBLE. THEY NEED YOU TO KICK ASS AND TAKE NAME. MAMA OSHA, WHERE ARE YOU?"
Osha is nowhere to be seen! Alas!
"@GameOverRos: The White Walkers aren’t bad guys. See? They just want a child of their own to love.@DaltonRoss: Okay, that’s the last time I hire a White Walker as a babysitter. @JonSnowBastrd: That was the most badass White Walker ever.@becca_diane11: AHHHH WHITE WALKER BABIES!?!!?? what is happening???? #GameOfThrones #Oathkeeper #itsgettingweird@p3pp3rp0tts86: “White baby”@Just_Enrique: that baby DEAD #demthrones@Weezul: Disclaimer – No babies or zombie animals were hurt in the filming of tonight’s #GameofThrones @amLitt: Is that how white walkers are made!? Freeaaaky@BurninAliveFL: So *that’s* how White Walkers reproduce. And here I was illogically thinking they ate children @AngryGoTFan: WHAT IN SWEET SKELETORY HELLS?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@motelsonthemoon: FOR THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF TWOW SPOILERS.@theSamwellTarly: It’s just a frozen wheel."
I see what you did there. But a lot of other people might be LOST.
"@heythererenee22: Why does everything awesome happen at the end@mflack8: WTF!!! That was a crazy ending to GoT. Who is this white walker? The king? Man I need to read the novels."
You may need to wait for The Winds of Winter just like the rest of us.
So. That happened.
Final thoughts?
"@MsAnnie26: Holy shit…@mherr1979: That was fucking crazy pants.@theSamwellTarly: What if all the white walkers had names like the people in Westros just with “cold” puns? That was Tywinter Lannisfreezing.@DarthRachel: YOU GUYS THAT WAS AMAZING HOLY CRAP!! #thesulliedbecometheunsullied@JonSnowBastrd: I converted to R’hllor after seeing that White Walker. The night is dark and full of terrors.@theSamwellTarly: If Howland Reed saves them riding a frog I’m quitting.@Harold_Stu: I actually really enjoyed (most of) the episode again. Anything from the wall and beyond though…@AngryGoTFan: SERIOUSLY THIS RUINS JON SNOWS ENTIRE PLOT LINE IF HE KNOWS BRAN IS ALIVE NORTH OF THE WALL Y DONT THEY GET THAT?!?!?!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@JennySlife87: Uhh what just happened? Is this canon? #WhiteWalkers@inkasrain: It may be bonkers from a reader’s perspective, but objectively I guess it’s nice to know how the Unsullied viewers feel.@AngryGoTFan: GRRM TOLD THE HBO WRITERS THE ENDING IN GOOD FAITH AND THEY BETRAYED HIM!!!! #IRONY #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@nathaliedgc: As much as I pretend to be a smug book reader, I LOVED THIS EPISODE!@bexysteel: #FreeGhost@YgrittetheWild: Of course I know why that episode had me in the grip of feels. Curse you, Cogman, you beautiful man.@Sporrej: Very good episode of #GameOfThrones! Jaime+Brienne one of the best scenes in the whole series. Cried a little. Chilling end.@Nikhat_Z: I hope all of Littlefinger’s life lessons come back and bite him in the ass. @AngryGoTFan: THE WORDS OF HOUSE OTHERS FOR ETERNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@bexysteel: Let me get this straight: Craster’s babies are being turned into White Walkers in some Minas Morgul knockoff? #WHATEVEN@JennySlife87: This is what it’s going to be like when the show passes the books… #CannotProcess #WhiteWalker@TheKolkaPolka: Well that episode totally wiped out book-reader advantage. No more sneaky #redwedding reaction videos. Playing field: leveled@SamDianeK: Non-spoilers about #GoT: Jon is still stupid, Cersei still likes wine, Sansa still doesn’t understand. And bat shit crazy stuff happens.@JonSnowBastrd: Daenerys better get her ass to Westeros. We’ll be needing those dragons. @paul_gude: “Game of Thrones” should have diverted Season 1. Ned Stark is pardoned and George R. R. Martin strolls across the screen, flipping the bird.@neilwebbs: Slow episode of #GameOfThrones but I have a new favourite character, Sir Pounce!@Ser_Pounce: When they write the story of my reign they’ll say it began today"
Indeed.
"@dieslaughing: Trying to come to terms with the fact we may now get future book spoilers watching #GameofThrones. It is…rather unsettling, not gonna lie."
That’s gonna be the risk from here on out. George is not going to finish before they do. Consider this the shot fired across the bow.
"@TeaganPhoto: I hate the storyline with the babies and the White Walkers. #leavethebabiesalone@duckandcover: HE EXISTED IN SEASONS 1 AND 2. WHERE IS KEVAN LANNISTER 2014.@BigDamnHerosSir: I am 100% disgruntled at that episode. Fuck! I hate being mad at #GameOfThrones. I feel like @AngryGoTFan right now."
Speaking of whom. Angry GoT Fan had to have his final say(s):
"@AngryGoTFan: BOOK READERS WARNING FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS EPISODE CONTAINS BOOK SPOILERS!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@AngryGoTFan: OH GODS NOW PEOPLE ARE SAYING THE HEAD WHITE WALKER LOOKED ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE JOFFREY #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @AngryGoTFan: AND HERE I THOUGHT THE THING ID BE MADDEST ABOUT WAS THEM CUTTING STEWARD UMFRED OF HOUSE BAELISH!!!!!! #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS@AngryGoTFan: HBO HAS CONFIRMED THAT CHARACTER IS NIGHTS KING AND IVE GONE STRAIGHT TO GOTH #LIFEISPAIN #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS @AngryGoTFan: CALL EPISODE OATHKEEPER? BREAK ALL TIES TO THE BOOKS #NONEUNDERSTAAANDS@AngryGoTFan: IF THE SHOW CONTINUES TO SPOIL THE UNRELEASED BOOKS I AM QUITTING THE INTERNET #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS"
A parody unto himself.
With regard to the White Walker baby making machine… It may very well be canon. If book fans don’t want to be spoiled by the show, y’all should probably stop watching like now. If the White Walker baby thing wasn’t clue enough, the show is cruising steadily into Future ASOIAF Canonland–and it seems sooner rather than later.
Sooo… any thoughts for next episode?
"@LyannaTargaryen: Wow. Next week looks intense!@cam_diesel: Oh. Yeah. Next week finna be trill as fuck..@theSamwellTarly: Hodor transforms into Hulkdor and kicks everyones ass into red paste.@LauraByrneCrist: So what I really want to know is if Hodor will live to Hodor another day?"
You and me both.
"@7373tinkerbell: “Next on #GameOfThrones bran gets the use of his legs back and saves Hodor.”@YgrittetheWild: Next week on #GameOfThrones Jon Snow “Alright, stop! Collaborate and listen…” #IceIceBabies #INeedAnAdult"
-.-
I’m subtracting points for that one.
"@nikyeahh: If they kill Tyrion Lannister, i’m going to kill who killed him."
It will likely be a fictional character. So.
"@FotiniRr5: I’ve just watched Game of Thrones and I think people who dare to hurt Hodor should be high-fived. With a hammer. In their face!@RgWat: And I just realized Tommen was recast"
A little late there.
"@SayWhatSugar: Uh, I just thought of something. What the hell happened to Cat’s brother? Is he still on his “honeymoon?”"
Mayhaps!
And so our parting shot of the night…
"@AngryGoTFan: HBO WRITER BRYAN COGMAN SAID EP 4 WAS A BRILLIANT REWRITE AND NOW IM OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE #WINTERISCOMING #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDS"
Hide, Cogman! Hide!
White Walter
Screw it. I enjoyed the hell out of this episode.
BRING ON THE NEXT ONE!
HODOR!
