A Song of Angst and Brooding — The Jon Snow Story

As we enter the ten-week run-up to Game of Thrones season 7, there comes a time to reflect on the characters we know and love — or in some cases, hate. How have these characters’ lives changed since they first appeared on our screens? What lessons have they learned? Most importantly, which character’s story has the greatest potential for comedy? These are the hard questions that haunt a small portion of our waking moments, and so we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy a super-serious* recap of one character’s journey, every week.

We begin with the King in the North himself, a man who fights like a dancer and smiles like he’s sitting on a cactus. Let’s take a look back at the trials and tribulations of Jon Snow.

Factfile

Name: Jon Snow

Occupation: Bastard, former Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, current King in the North

Nicknames: Handsome Jesus, Bastard, Lord Commander, Not This Guy Again (given by the Night King)

Current status: Alive (formerly dead)

Kingdom: The North

Relationship Status: Married to the job

Significant Other: Ygritte (deceased)

Likely Catchphrase: “The dead are coming.”

Unlikely Catchphrase: “God, I’m so happy.”

Family

Mother: Lyanna Stark (deceased)

Father: Rhaegar “oops, my libido started a war” Targaryen (deceased)

Siblings: Rhaenys Targaryen (half-sister, deceased) and Aegon Targaryen (half-brother, deceased)

Aunts/Uncles: Brandon Stark (deceased), Eddard Stark (deceased), Catelyn Stark (by marriage, deceased), Benjen Stark (IDEK), Viserys Targaryen (deceased) and Daenerys Targaryen, aka Mother of Titles

Cousins: Robb Stark (deceased), Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Brandon Stark, Rickon Stark (deceased), Drogon, Rhaegal and Viserion (debatable, on account of how they’re giant lizard creatures)

Grandparents: Rickard Stark (deceased), Lyarra Stark (deceased), Rhaella Targaryen (deceased), Aerys Targaryen aka The Mad King (deceased)

Pets: Ghost, albino direwolf

Known Associates

Current Allies: Arya Stark, Sansa Stark, Brandon Stark, Davos Seaworth, Tormund Giantsbane, Samwell Tarly, Dolorous Edd Tollett, Lyanna Mormont, Tyrion Lannister, mirrors everywhere

Current Enemies: The Night King, probably Cersei, quite likely Petyr Baelish

It’s Complicated: Melisandre

Personal kill list: Unnamed wight, Qhorin Halfhand, Gareth from The Office, Torchwouldn’t of Gin Alley, the Magnar of the Thenns, Mance Rayder, Janos Slynt, Scary White Walker, Alliser Thorne, Othell Yarwyck, Bowen Marsh and that little shit Olly, plus many others in battle

Character Stats

Preferred Weapon: Valyrian-steel bastard sword, Longclaw

Notable achievements: 

• Killed a wight with an oil lamp.
• Successfully infiltrated a wildling camp.
• Successfully had sex with a human female.
• Climbed the Wall without the appropriate safety gear.
• Avenged the murder of Jeor Mormont at Craster’s Keep.
• Lead the Battle of the Wall against the wildlings.
• Killed the Magnar of the Thenns.
• Named Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch by his peers.
• Killed a White Walker at Hardhome.
• Successfully negotiated peace treaty with wildlings.
• Returned from the dead.
• Declared king by a ten-year-old.
• Prettier than both of Tormund’s daughters.

Special Abilities: 

• Brooding.
• Sword-fighting.
• Impressive twirls.
• Hair billowing in the wind.
• Heroism.
• Honesty.
• Honorable deeds.
• Beard maintenance.
• Frequent subject of long tracking shots.
• Simultaneously knows nothing and holds the future of the world in his hands.
• Inability to stay dead.
• Cunnilingus (allegedly).
• Getting jobs he didn’t apply for.

Biography

Pre-Show

Who could have guessed that Prince Rhaegar Targaryen’s decision to run away with (or kidnap, depending on who you ask) the beautiful Lyanna Stark would start a war to end all wars? Well, Rhaegar, actually. Yeah. Pretty selfish, man. You had seven kingdoms to think about.

Basically, ole’ Rhaegar had a pretty big thing for Lyanna, and hurried her down south so they could shack up together in the sunny kingdom of Dorne. When word got out, Lyanna’s fiance, Robert Baratheon, took offense at being cockblocked. On account of this, and because Rhaegar’s father was certifiably insane, Robert waged war on the crown with his pals, Jon Arryn and Ned Stark. After hiding out with Lyanna for a few months, Rhaegar emerged to fight his romantic rival and was promptly killed. But that’s not all! Rhaegar and Lyanna hadn’t bothered to use protection, and a few months later she gave birth to their son in their secret, inconspicuous hiding place: the Tower of Joy, which wasn’t inconspicuous at all.

Luckily for the baby, Lyanna was found by her brother, Ned. She begged him to keep her child’s true parentage a secret before succumbing to the complications of the c-section that had brought her boy into the world – either that, or the kid had eaten his way out of her, like the Twilight baby. Ned agreed because he knew that his best friend Robert was now the King of Westeros and hated Targaryens so much he would kill the baby if he knew the truth. There was evidence supporting this – Robert had already condoned the murders of Rhaegar’s wife and two other children.

At no point did Ned question his friendship with Robert, nor did he wonder if spending time with someone who thinks killing children is totally acceptable was really a good idea. Seriously. And this guy was the most honorable man in Westeros?

Reliable old Ned decided to pass the baby off as his own illegitimate offspring. Thus, he brought Baby Targaryen to Winterfell in the North, where the child would never again see sunshine, or feel anything close to resembling joy. The irony. He named the child Jon Snow. Snow is the surname given to all illegitimate northern children. It’s a cruel name to give to a child, but I suppose it’s better than Jon Bastard, or Jon B’astard, if you’re feeling fancy.

Season 1

Jon grew up in Winterfell. He was close with most of Ned’s other children by his wife Catelyn, including Robb, Arya and Bran, but was despised and mistreated by his aunt/stepmother. Catelyn was jealous of Jon because, so far as she knew, he was the product of Ned’s extramarital affair. I’d like to point out that Catelyn met Ned once before he married her and knocked her up, and had been all set to marry Ned’s older brother Brandon before his untimely death. So it’s not like they shared some big romance, and Catelyn needs to calm down and take a Xanax.

As the years went by, Jon grew in beauty until his looks were unsurpassed, but Catelyn wasn’t his mother, so he was still hidden away from important guests at mealtimes — he was not unlike a patch of mushrooms growing in the living room carpet and covered by a strategically placed ottoman. This made Jon very angsty. He often hid in his room, writing sad poetry and painting his fingernails black. Even a new pet puppy couldn’t cheer him up.

When nobody noticed, he decided to become a brother of the Night’s Watch, an ancient order dedicated to freezing their arses off in the snow and squinting into the darkness while occasionally saying, “Is that a wildling moving down there? No, that’s a tree.” The Night’s Watchmen live next to a 700 ft wall made from ice and magic, known as The Wall. The Night’s Watch does not think of imaginative names.

Almost as soon as Jon arrived, things started getting serious at the Wall in a way they hadn’t for hundreds of years. And thank god, because otherwise it would have been terribly boring. Pretty much immediately, Jon’s uncle Benjen vanished whilst ranging. He managed to win the love of his brothers by being nice to the dorky new kid, but drew the ire of Alliser Thorne, the Wall’s master-at-arms, who was jealous because Jon was prettier than all the women who’d ever rejected him.

Despite several temper tantrums and one angry attempt to gouge Thorne’s eye out with a knife, Jon’s new boss, Jeor Mormont, showed him blatant favouritism, going as far as to give him a shiny Valyrian steel sword that had originally been meant for his son, Jorah. However, Jon was still angsty, even after he became the hero of the hour when he saved Lord Commander Mormont from a savage wight. Desperate to prove that he was still a stroppy teenager, Jon ran away to join his cousin/brother Robb in his war against the Lannisters. Five minutes later, he was stopped by his friends, who told him to get a grip on himself and stop acting like a special snowflake.

Season 2

Jon and his Night’s Watch brothers went on the road trip of a lifetime to find Benjen Stark. Spoiler alert: they didn’t find him.

On their trip, Jon finally discovered a legitimate reason to be angsty when he witnessed an old wildling, Craster, sacrifice his baby boy to the White Walkers. Jeor Mormont immediately told him to pretend it never happened, like George Clooney’s Batman. Disheartened, Jon set out on a side-mission with a man named Qhorin who had half a hand. His nickname was Qhorin Halfhand. After getting into a scrap with some wildlings, Jon met Ygritte, a beautiful redhead with inexplicably good teeth for an outside-dwelling savage.

Jon tried to kill Ygritte but his boner got in the way, and he eventually got himself captured by her mates. Qhorin was also captured, and decided that it was time for Jon to turn spy. “But I don’t want -” said Jon. “Shush,” said Qhorin. “Yes you do. Shush.”

Season 3

Jon met Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall, and used Cersei Lannister’s trick of saying honest things for dishonest purposes to win his trust. Fully engrossed in his new role as Bond, Jon Bond, he managed to convince Ygritte that he had fallen for her and wanted to get it on. He accomplished this by falling for her and wanting to get it on. So they got it on.

Accompanied by Tormund Giantsbane and a warg named Orell, Jon and Ygritte climbed the Wall freestyle, without the payoff of a celebratory selfie once they reached the top. Ygritte was excited to defeat the Night’s Watch, which caused tension in the relationship because the Night’s Watch was Jon’s secret wife. Later, Jon broke up with Ygritte when he realized that belonging to a celibate order requires celibacy. Ygritte did not take it well, and sent him back to the Wall with several arrows lodged in his body. Still, it was one of the show’s more civilized breakups.

Season 4

Jon returned to the Wall, where he met up with his friends. His old enemy, Alliser Thorne, immediately called his honor into question because he was too good at spying. Jon responded by being AWESOME FOR THE ENTIRE SEASON.

First, Jon took a party of loyal pals to Craster’s Keep, where he killed Karl Tanner and the rest of the men who had murdered Jeor Mormont and deserted the Watch. Later, when the wildlings attacked the Wall, Jon dazzled with both his excellent fighting skills and his talent for spitting blood into people’s faces with pinpoint precision. In the heat of the battle, Ygritte showed up and Jon’s boner leapt joyously into the air. Olly immediately shot Ygritte through the heart, and Jon’s boner retreated into a sad and dark place.

After the fight, Jon headed off on a mission to kill Mance Rayder. He was rudely interrupted by Stannis Baratheon, who had spent most of season 4 working with Davos to ensure that they could always get off their horses in perfect sync.

Season 5

Stannis set up camp at the Wall, to the annoyance of everyone. When Melisandre tried to burn Mance Rayder to death, Jon defied her, testing out his new ‘rebel-with-a-cause-and-that-cause-is-plain-human-decency’ persona. When the time came to elect a new leader of the Night’s Watch, Samwell Tarly convinced his peers to choose Jon, in spite of Jon’s complete lack of interest in the job, and the fact that he hadn’t applied. “But I don’t want -” said Jon. “Shush,” said his friends. “Yes you do. Shush.”

Resigned to his new position, Jon decided to end hate, but his colleagues hated ending hate. He took a trip to Hardhome to treat with the wildlings, but suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of a surprise White Walker attack. Cowed, Jon returned home with his life mercifully intact, whereupon Alliser Thorne and his cronies murdered him immediately. Really, guys? You hate your boss, so you decide to stab him to death? Why couldn’t you just rant on the internet like normal people?

Season 6

Death was a difficult time for Jon. Davos asked Melisandre to bring him back to life so he could save the North, and to spare his beautiful corpse from decomposition. Mel rose to the occasion. Neither Jon nor his hair would ever be the same.

Jon wasn’t a bit grateful. He hadn’t learned anything from his departure from life, except how to be even more miserable than before. On the brink of a second life crisis, he quit his job and decided to take a holiday to… nope, never mind that. Sansa Stark arrived at the Wall just as he was packing his suitcase and choosing a passport photo. She immediately persuaded him to go to war with Ramsay Bolton, a war that Jon managed to win despite some minor setbacks, such as losing entirely.

At the celebratory dinner party, Lyanna Mormont declared Jon King in the North, a sentiment echoed by all of the adults, because that worked out so well for Robb Stark. “But I don’t want -” Jon protested. “Shush,” said the Northern lords. “Yes you do. Shush.”

Six seasons in, and we still don’t know what Jon Snow really wants from life, mostly because nobody will allow him to have an opinion on the matter. Will we finally find out in season 7? No.

*not serious at all