Imping Ain’t Easy—An Evening with Tyrion Lannister

As we enter the ten-week run-up to Game of Thrones season 7, there comes a time to reflect on the characters we know and love — or in some cases, hate. How have these characters’ lives changed since they first appeared on our screens? What lessons have they learned? Most importantly, which character’s story has the greatest potential for comedy? These are the hard questions that haunt a small portion of our waking moments, and so we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy a super-serious* recap of one character’s journey, every week.

Last week, we recapped Daenerys Targaryen’s long journey from slave to conqueror. This week, we bring you half the character for double the fun. This is the story of Tyrion Lannister.

Factfile

Name: Tyrion Lannister

Occupation: Hand of the Queen to Daenerys Targaryen, Former Hand of the King to Joffrey Baratheon, Former Master of Coin

Nicknames: Dwarf, The Imp, My Lion (by Shae), Halfman, Demon Monkey, Tony Montana (bonus points if you get the reference)

Current Status: Alive

Kingdom: Whatever Daenerys is having

Relationship Status: Married (technically void)

Significant Other: Tysha (ex-wife, annulled by Tywin), Shae (ex-lover, he strangled her), Sansa Stark (former wife, unconsummated)

Likely Catchphrase: “I drink and I know things.”

Unlikely Catchphrase: “Well, I was totally wrong about that one.”

Family

Mother: Joanna Lannister (deceased)

Father: Tywin ‘shits gold’ Lannister (deceased, killed on the crapper)

Siblings: Cersei Lannister and Jaime Lannister

Aunts/Uncles:  Kevan Lannister (deceased), Genna Lannister, Tygett Lannister, Gerion Lannister, Stafford Lannister, Damon Lannister (all in the books only, fates unknown on the show)

Cousins: Lancel Lannister (deceased), Willem Lannister (deceased), Martyn Lannister (deceased), Alton Lannister (deceased), Janei Lannister, Tyrek Lannister, Joy Hill, Daven Lannister, Cerenna Lannister, Myielle Lannister, Damion Lannister, Cleos Frey, Lyonel Frey, Tion Frey and “Red” Walder Frey (most in the books only, fates unknown on the show)

Nieces/Nephews: Joffrey Baratheon (deceased), Myrcella Baratheon (deceased) and Tommen Baratheon (literal King’s Landing meme)

Grandparents:  Tytos Lannister (deceased), Jeyne Lannister (formerly Marbrand, deceased), Jason Lannister (deceased), Marla Lannister (formerly Prester, deceased)

Children: None that he knows of

Known Associates

Current Allies: Daenerys Targaryen, Lord Varys, Missandei, Grey Worm, Jorah Mormont, Jon Snow, Sansa Stark, Bronn, Podrick Payne. Through Daenerys: Yara Greyjoy, Theon Greyjoy, Ellaria Sand, Olenna Tyrell, Illyrio Mopatis, the Unsullied (including Grey Worm), the Second Sons, the Dothraki and the cities of Astapor, Yunkai and Meereen

Current Enemies: Cersei Lannister, the former slave masters of Essos, Daario Naharis probably isn’t too happy with him

It’s Complicated: Jaime Lannister

Personal kill list: Joanna Lannister (debatable, since he was a newborn), Tywin Lannister, Shae, unnamed raider (death by shield), countless Baratheon soldiers at Blackwater (via wildfire), Son of the Harpy, multiple stereotypes

Character Stats

Preferred Weapon: Wits, Battleaxe, Bronn

Notable achievements:

• Has talked himself out of being murdered on multiple occasions
• Named Hand of the King in place of his father, Tywin Lannister
• Defended King’s Landing against Stannis Baratheon with clever use of wildfire
• Struck a blow for kids with daddy issues everywhere
• Brought an end to the slave trade in Meereen
• Named Hand of the Queen by Daenerys Targaryen
• Escaped King’s Landing following his false imprisonment
• Encountered two strange dragons and didn’t get burned to a crisp

Special Abilities:

• Boundless intelligence
• Cutting wit (except when in Meereen)
• Accomplished diplomat
• Excellent leadership skills
• Falling for the wrong women
• Experienced wine connoisseur
• Surprising talent for killing
• Knowledgeable economist
• Better with Dany’s neglected dragons than Dany
• Advanced saddle design
• Inspirational speech-making
• Talented in the bedroom (I assume, anyway, he’s had enough practice)
• Deep, sexy voice

Biography

Pre-Show

Tyrion Lannister’s birth by Joanna Lannister, wife of Tywin, was marred by tragedy. As was the way with many women in fake medieval times, Joanna died in childbirth, but if you were to ask Tywin Lannister, he’d probably tell you that Tyrion burst out of her womb holding a battleaxe and chopped her to pieces. Repulsed by his son’s dwarfism, Tywin decided that this newborn infant — who wasn’t even old enough to understand what his hands were — had deliberately killed his mother. He decided against drowning the kid in the ocean, but spent his life secretly believing that Tyrion was not his son because he was not a perfect specimen — unlike his son Jaime, who later tried to push a ten-year-old to his death, or his daughter Cersei, the most stylish terrorist in Westeros. But Tyrion liked whores in his later life, so he’s clearly the real problem.

Also, way to diss your dead wife, Tywin.

Tyrion grew up hated by his sister and loved by his brother, but it was Tywin who hated him most of all, and made sure he never forget it. As Tyrion grew older, it became apparent that he was the only one of Tywin’s children who possessed his father’s intelligence and acumen, which pissed Tywin off even more. If only he had been more like Jaime, who was sleeping with his twin sister, or like Cersei, who had serving girls beaten for trifling indiscretions. But Tyrion liked to drink wine! What a monster!

Tyrion’s elder siblings were pushed into prominence in different ways as they neared adulthood. Jaime was named to the Kingsguard of Aerys Targaryen and later Robert Baratheon, the latter of whom married Cersei, which made her Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. In the meantime, Tyrion grew up lonely. When he was 16 years old, he encountered a girl named Tysha on the road as she was being attacked by rapers. While Jaime chased off the men who had assaulted her, Tyrion comforted her, and they fell in love. They soon eloped, but when Tywin Lannister discovered the marriage, it was revealed that Tysha was a whore who had been obtained by Jaime to take Tyrion’s virginity, and Tyrion was forced to watch as she was coerced into an orgy with Tywin’s guard, which is the most messed up shit I’ve ever heard. Tywin couldn’t have just grounded him? What is wrong with this family?

Season 1

Tyrion Lannister began his reign over our hearts and minds in a brothel outside Winterfell, where he was wearing a really terrible wig so as to remain incognito. Unfortunately for Tyrion, the prostitute Ros recognized him immediately. “How did you know it was me?” said the only noticeably wealthy dwarf in all of Westeros.

During his family’s stay at Winterfell, Tyrion’s brother Jaime showed his respect to the Stark family by shoving a 10-year-old Brandon Stark out a window. Some people, honestly. I hate it when I have a guest and they refuse to take their shoes off indoors, but this might actually be worse. Anyway, Tyrion suspected that Jaime had been up to no good but didn’t voice his suspicions because his brother was the only person in Westeros who was ever nice to him. Aside from the whores, anyway, but Jaime’s love don’t cost a thing.

When Jon Snow departed for the Wall, Tyrion went with him in order to establish a positive relationship that will probably become important very soon. After leaving the Wall, Tyrion stopped back at Winterfell to give Bran the design for a custom-made saddle out of the goodness of his heart. Robb Stark was jealous because he hadn’t thought of a cool gift for Bran, and treated Tyrion to some resting bitch face. Tyrion left the North, relieved to escape from hostile Starks, only to immediately be arrested by Catelyn Stark for the attempted murder of Bran. Tywin Lannister was so mad about this he started a war.

Catelyn took Tyrion to the Eyrie, where her sister Lysa lived, for a trial. In the real world, criminal trials require hard evidence and solid testimony to secure a guilty verdict. In Westeros, they consist of your captor’s pissed-off sister allowing her halfwit child to make decisions. Tyrion requested a trial by combat and was successfully defended by the sellsword Bronn. He traveled to his father’s army camp, where he met and fell for a whore named Shae, and Tywin was so relieved to see his son alive that he repeatedly insulted him. Talk about mixed signals from your daddy.

In the meantime, Robb Stark captured Jaime Lannister during a battle. When Tywin got word of it, he assumed that Jaime would soon die. “I suppose you’ll do,” he said to Tyrion. Ever industrious, that one.

Season 2

Tyrion arrived in King’s Landing to act as Hand of the King while his father — whom Joffrey Baratheon had named Hand — waged war on the Starks. Tyrion brought Shae and Bronn with him. Joffrey tried to hide the fact that he was shit-scared of his uncle, but failed because Joffrey was shit-scared of anyone who wasn’t afraid to tell him that he was a lily-livered pustule on the face of humanity.

Tyrion had a grand time during his tenure as Hand. He spent a lot of hours dealing with all the problems caused by Cersei’s incompetence — it soon became clear that she and Tyrion had never grown out of their childhood rivalry. When they weren’t sticking their tongues out at one another from across the dinner table, Tyrion managed to get some important tasks accomplished, such as forming a tentative alliance with the Dornish — enemies to the Lannister family — and improving the defenses to King’s Landing in preparation for an expected attack from Stannis Baratheon.

It didn’t take long for Tyrion to discover that Cersei had been commissioning the city’s pyromancers to create caches of wildfire that she intended to have thrown at Stannis’ army like water balloons, a move that would ultimately burn her own city. Tyrion intervened, and instead used the wildfire to create a controlled explosion at sea that left Stannis with less ships. Sorry, fewer ships. Somewhere in the castle, Cersei watched the explosion from her window and thought, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”

Thanks to Tyrion’s ingenuity and bravery, the forces in King’s Landing were able to hold off Stannis Baratheon’s men until Tywin arrived with the Tyrells and finished the battle. His family thanked him by locking him up in a storeroom like a bag of turnips.

Season 3

Tyrion politely asked his father to name him heir to Casterly Rock as a reward for his bravery and cunning at the Battle of Blackwater Bay, but Tywin refused, even though Jaime was a Kingsguard, not to mention MIA, and he had no other male heirs. Instead, he rewarded his son’s ingenuity by saddling him with the crown’s crushing debt. “Shouldn’t we give this job to someone with experience in financial matters?” asked Tyrion, but nobody in his family heard him because they were too busy hemorrhaging money.

In the meantime, Olenna Tyrell and Varys were plotting to marry Sansa Stark to the Tyrell heir, Ser Hollywood. When Tywin found out about this plot, he decided to marry Tyrion to Sansa and secure Winterfell for the family. Mindful that Sansa had already been scarred plenty by recent experiences, Tyrion begged Tywin to reconsider his choice, but Tywin refused to be moved. “You have disgraced the name of Lannister for long enough,” he told his youngest son. “The least you can do is restore your reputation by impregnating a child.”

Tyrion and Sansa were married in the Great Sept of Baelor, and fun was had by nobody but Joffrey, who vowed to welcome his new aunt to the family by assaulting her and also bought something off-register as a wedding gift, which is just rude. Tywin warned Tyrion to put a baby in Sansa but Tyrion did the honorable thing and swore never to touch her until she wanted to get down, get down and boogie. “But you’re so gross,” said Sansa. Tyrion swallowed his tears, while his boner retreated into a sad and dark place, the same place where Jon Snow’s boner spends most of its time.

As a couple, Sansa and Tyrion got along quite well, but Tywin threw a spanner in the works when he assisted Walder Frey in orchestrating the massacre of Catelyn, Robb, Not-Jeyne and Unborn Baby Stark at Edmure Tully’s wedding. I’d like to see Dr. Phil try to sort that mess out.

Season 4

The fourth season started on a sour note when Tyrion broke up with Shae for her idiotic refusal to stop putting her own life at risk. Things brightened a little later that day, as King Joffrey choked to death on deadly poison at his own wedding. Bridezillas, take note: the swing band you booked may be stuck in traffic, but it could always be worse. Observe the moment that Joffrey’s soul departs this mortal coil and arrives in the depths of hell.

That’s the good stuff, right there.

Unfortunately, the rest of the season was something of a trial (haha, jokes) for Tyrion, because Cersei made the same mistake as Catelyn Stark and assumed that her younger brother would be foolish enough to brazenly implicate himself in a murder he’d committed. Silly Cersei, he’s not Jaime! Tyrion was hastily arrested while Sansa made like a little dove and flocked off.

Remember how I said that criminal trials in Westeros consist of your captor’s pissed-off sister letting her halfwit child make decisions? Well, sometimes criminal trials consist of the accused’s pissed-off sister getting her pals to lie on the stand. Tyrion didn’t even get a defense attorney to represent him. Viola Davis was furious — she’d packed her bags already.

When it became clear that the actual truth wasn’t going to be a factor in this trial, Jaime appealed to Tywin to spare Tyrion from execution and agreed to give up his place on the Kingsguard in exchange for his brother’s life. It looked as if Tyrion would be headed for the Wall when Shae arrived and made up a bunch of nonsense about Tyrion and Sansa’s secret plans to murder the king. That was the last straw for Tyrion. “This is kangaroo court!” he declared, and demanded a trial by combat.

Cersei chose Gregor Clegane as her champion in the trial, while Tyrion was represented by Oberyn Martell, a man whose grudge against the Mountain — who murdered his sister, niece and nephew — was legendary. Oberyn’s complicated dance moves stumped the uncoordinated Mountain, but his ridiculous desire to always have the last word in an argument got in the way of an A+ performance, and his head was smashed like the hopes and dreams of your average Millennial. With Tyrion sentenced to death, Jaime broke him out of jail and bade him to quickly make his escape.

Tyrion made a casual stopover in the Tower of the Hand on his way out — as one does when fleeing their own execution — and found Shae lounging in his father’s bed. After strangling her to death, he found Tywin reading the newspaper on the john. “Kangaroo court,” Tyrion repeated, shooting him twice with a crossbow. “Kangaroo court.”

Season 5

Now on the run from the crown following his escape and his father’s murder, Varys hurried Tyrion across the Narrow Sea to Essos, where interesting plots go to die. As you can see, he was thrilled about it.

Because he had nothing else to do, Tyrion agreed to travel to Meereen to meet Daenerys Targaryen, but on the way he was captured by Jorah Mormont. “How did you know it was me?” said the only noticeably wealthy dwarf in all of Essos.

Tyrion and Jorah traveled together by boat, where they indulged in a number of largely uninteresting and one-sided conversations because Essos is a land of people who don’t know how to do small talk. Following a run-in with some Stone Men that left Jorah infected but spared Tyrion, according to the secondary/primary character rules of television, Tyrion accidentally outed Jeor Mormont’s death to a clueless Jorah. “He was murdered by his own men LOL,” said Tyrion, mistakenly believing that LOL meant ‘lots of love.’

As they drew close to Meereen, Tyrion and Jorah were captured by slavers. Tyrion managed to talk them out of killing him by implying that he had been blessed with bountiful genitals — hardly the excellent dialogue he was given in seasons 1-4, but we’ll take what we can get. Jorah and Tyrion were sold to the fighting pits and in the process came across Daenerys Targaryen, who was infuriated by Jorah’s undying loyalty. Tyrion convinced her to spare his life and managed to secure himself a job as a member of her council. He didn’t even have to give her a reference, probably because he’d murdered his previous employer.

Season 6

In the sixth season, Daenerys was AWOL, so Tyrion and Varys teamed up to bring economics to Meereen. We were treated to such excellent scenes as Tyrion accidentally convincing a homeless woman he wanted to eat her baby, and Tyrion making terrible jokes with Grey Worm and Missandei. It wasn’t as bad as Dorne, but few things are.

Tyrion continued to drink, probably because he was missing Westeros, and all of the interesting dialogue that happens there.

Following an agreement with the slave masters to stop slavery and introduce trade instead, Tyrion was disappointed when they attacked Meereen with giant, flaming gobstoppers. Like many real-life politicians, they were super mad that Tyrion was trying to introduce an infrastructure that would ultimately benefit them. Conveniently, just as they launched their assault on the city, Daenerys turned up on Drogon’s back. “Kill kill kill!” she cried, so Tyrion gave her a time out, as well as a gentle reminder that good leaders can’t go around burning people to death. It was cute in season 1, but now it’s as over as Pokémon Go.

Tyrion’s plan worked; Daenerys and her dragons saved Meereen. She named Tyrion Babysitter of the Queen, and they hauled tail to Westeros with the armada in tow. “Good dialogue,” said Tyrion to himself, as their ship left the docks. “Finally, I will return to you.”

*not serious at all