Look Who Dropped In — A Brief History of Brandon Stark

As we enter the run-up to Game of Thrones season 7, there comes a time to reflect on the characters we know and love — or in some cases, hate. How have these characters’ lives changed since they first appeared on our screens? What lessons have they learned? Most importantly, which character’s story has the greatest potential for comedy? These are the hard questions that haunt a small portion of our waking moments, and so we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy a super-serious* recap of one character’s journey, every week.

In our last visit, we recounted the story of Sansa Stark as she married her way from the Red Keep to Winterfell. This time, we take a look at the life and times of her baby brother, the magical, mystical, accident-prone Brandon Stark.

Factfile

Name: Brandon Stark

Occupation: Prince (via Jon), Rightful Lord of Winterfell, Three-Eyed Raven

Nicknames: Bran, Three-Eyed Raven, Little Lord (by Osha), Cripple (by rude people who enjoy pointing out the obvious), Old White Eyes is Back, Kellogg’s Fall Bran, Not Another F*****g Stark Kid Coming to Ruin my Day (by the Night King)

Current Status: Alive

Kingdom: The North

Relationship Status: Single and waiting for Meera to notice

Significant Other: See above

Likely Catchphrase: “I’m the Three-Eyed Raven. I have to be ready.”

Unlikely Catchphrase: “Voldemort killed my parents.”

Family

Mother: Catelyn Stark (deceased)

Father: Eddard Stark (deceased)

Siblings: Robb Stark (deceased), Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Rickon Stark (deceased)

Aunts/Uncles:  Brandon Stark (deceased), Lyanna Stark (deceased), Benjen Stark (Uncle Rigor Mortis), Edmure Tully, Lysa Tully (deceased)

Cousins: Jon Snow, Robin Arryn, Unnamed boy by Edmure Tully

Nieces/Nephews: Unborn niece or nephew by Robb and Talisa Stark (killed at the Red Wedding)

Grandparents: Rickard Stark (deceased), Lyarra Stark (deceased), Hoster Tully (deceased) and Minisa Tully (deceased)

Children: None, and it’s probably a sensitive subject, given that he can’t, y’know… look, just leave him alone, okay?

Pets: Direwolf, Summer (deceased)

Known Associates

Current Allies: Meera Reed, Jon Snow, Arya Stark, Sansa Stark, Samwell Tarly, Benjen Stark

Current Enemies: The Night King, Jaime Lannister, probably Cersei Lannister since everyone is her bloody enemy

It’s Complicated: Zombie Hodor?

Personal kill list: Locke (when warging through Hodor)

Character Stats:

Preferred Weapon: Phenomenal cosmic powers

Notable achievements:

• Was flung from a tower and survived
• Escaped Winterfell while it was under the control of House Greyjoy
• Has successfully warged into a human being as well as a direwolf
• Has had numerous visions of the past, present and future
• Successfully travelled beyond the Wall and got to the Three-Eyed Raven in one piece
• Escaped the Night King and his entire army while a) paralyzed and b) asleep
• Current Keeper of the Family Secrets

Special Abilities:

• Greenseeing
• Primitive communications through time and space
• Warging
• Snoozing
• Climbing (formerly)
• Walking like a rich guy (while having a vision)
• Looking dignified whilst dragging himself across the dirty ground
• Being frickin’ adorable

Biography

Season 1

Young Brandon Stark, a middling marksman and an excellent climber, was just your ordinary, adorable ten-year-old kid when we first met him, back in that one episode where the Starks were happy. Like any ordinary kid, he had grown up in a castle, was privately educated by a personal tutor and spent his days scaling the walls with a GoPro and no safety equipment. Neat life if you can get it.

Bran’s daddy, Ned Stark, was the gloomiest man in Westeros, but felt it was important to spend time with his sons. He made sure to include Bran during all family activities, including ceremonial beheadings, which sounds depressing until you remember that Arya was stuck at home making doilies. He also made sure to teach Bran important lessons, like how one must always floss after eating and personally execute criminals.

When the royal family came to Winterfell for a visit, Bran was super excited to meet the king and see the procession, but he saw a little more than he bargained for when an afternoon climb led him to happen upon Cersei Lannister and her twin brother Jaime getting their freak on in an abandoned tower. “He’s cuter than all three of our children!” Cersei angrily declared. “So what? We can recast them,” said Jaime, and pushed Bran out the window.

Bran survived his fall, and after a long nap — the kid slept through an attempt on his own life, typical preteen boy — he awoke with no memory of the accident and a broken spine. He was now unable to walk for the rest of his life, and very depressed about it. On top of that, he started to have strange and troubling visions. His family supported him through this trying time by heaping immense responsibility on his shoulders, as his eldest brother Robb declared war on the Lannisters and marched southwards, naming Bran the acting Lord of Winterfell in his absence. Westeros doesn’t seem to have child labor regulations.

Season 2

In the second season, Ned Stark was as dead as every other character Sean Bean has ever played, and Bran was still Lord of Winterfell at an age when most kids are passionately committed to 16 hours of YouTube a day. It was a difficult time for Bran. All he wanted to do was watch cartoons and occasionally inhabit the body of his pet direwolf using his newly-discovered magical powers. His Hogwarts letter arrived, but Maester Luwin mistook it for junk mail and promptly burned it.

His father’s old ward, Theon Greyjoy, kindly stepped in to relieve Bran of these heavy responsibilities when he stormed Winterfell and ordered him to surrender the castle. Fearing for his father’s men, Bran met Theon’s demands, and Theon rewarded him by killing Winterfell’s Master-at-Arms, Ser Pippi Beardstocking, right before Bran’s adorable eyes.

Nobody was impressed by Theon’s victory because his opponent was a physically disabled child. This should have occurred to Theon when the Starks’ captive-turned-servant, the wildling Osha, came to seduce him, but the Ironborn aren’t exactly known for being critical thinkers.

With Theon banged into a stupor, Osha, Hodor, Bran and Rickon escaped with their two direwolves, but doubled back when Rickon started to complain that he hadn’t used the bathroom before they left. They hung out in the Winterfell crypts until the Ironborn got sick of Theon and handed him over to Ramsay Snow, who promptly killed them all and burned down whatever he could that wasn’t made of stone…so roughly 1% of the building. Fearing more danger, Bran’s ragtag gang decided to go to the Wall, leaving behind a fatally-wounded Maester Luwin. “I should have given him the Hogwarts letter,” he lamented to Osha. “Nah, you pretty much end up dead there too,” Osha replied. “Trust me.”

Season 3

While traveling to the Wall, Bran and his friends met Meera and Jojen Reed, the children of one of Ned Stark’s bannermen. Like Bran, Jojen had magical powers, including greenseeing and eternal youth. Jojen told Bran that they needed to go beyond the Wall to find Horcruxes, which didn’t sit well with Bran’s foster mother, Osha. She relieved her stresses by threatening Bran’s crush, Meera. Typical mother-in-law behavior, really.

Despite Osha’s protests, Bran’s commitment to finding the Three-Eyed Raven grew with each passing day, and he eventually decided to venture north of the Wall. It’s a bit lazy of the Three-Eyed Raven, really. The kid can’t walk, so he lures him into a hiking trip? Couldn’t he send a letter or something?

Bran and his ever-expanding group spent most of the season walking around, and not much else happened. After a close shave with a group of wildlings in the Gift, he decided to send Rickon and Osha to stay with the Umbers for their own safety. Well, shit. I thought this kid could see the damn future.

Season 4

In the fourth season, Bran finally left off being adorable and entered his awkward teenage phase, complete with the ‘did I mention I’m in an indie band?’ haircut popular with many boys his age. It was a blatant attempt to impress Meera, but unfortunately, he looked like the drummer. Nobody ever dates the drummer.

Because Bran had been given little to do in season 3, he and his friends ran into trouble at Craster’s Keep, where the Night’s Watch deserters captured them and locked them up. Bran warged into Hodor and orchestrated their escape, but not before catching a glimpse of Jon Snow, who had turned up at Craster’s to avenge Jeor Mormont’s murder. He tried to crawl to his beloved brother but Jojen stopped him. “Jon is not a Horcrux, Bran,” Jojen reminded him. “He is too beautiful, too pure.”

Reluctantly, Bran continued on his travels, and Jojen got what was coming to him for keeping Starks apart: a triple-threat death scene, courtesy of some marauding wights. Don’t feel bad about it — it may seem like Jojen died young, but he was actually about 70. Where did you think Melisandre learned it all?

The rest of Bran’s gang were rescued by one of the Children of the Forest and taken into the world’s creepiest tree house. At long last, Bran came face-to-face with the Three-Eyed Raven, who promised him that he would one day fly, just as well as his father had before him, and win lots of trophies for Gryffindor.

Season 5

The fifth season was Bran’s most action-packed yet! We didn’t see any of what he did, but trust me: it was amazing.

Season 6

We picked back up with Bran in season 6, where he suddenly looked like your dream date to the debutante ball. What a transformation. Who knew there was a Supercuts beyond the Wall?

As it happened, the Three-Eyed Raven was a Three-Eyed Catfish. He failed to offer any specific explanation as to what Bran actually needed to do to defeat the White Walkers, instead subjecting him to countless history lessons and being deliberately evasive, while simultaneously taunting him with snatched glimpses of his family. Education standards in Hogwarts had gone downhill since Joffrey took over the throne.

Bran started to crave more visions of his dad and ended up standing before an assembly of wights when he tried to sneak a peek without adult supervision. The Night King and his generals were also there, and startled to see Bran wandering into their midst. “First Jon Snow and now you,” said the Night King, thoroughly peeved. “What’s next? A sister who can change her face? I’ve had it with you damn Starks and your interfering!” He planted a tracking device in Bran’s arm, which immediately gave him the password to the Three-Eyed Raven’s top secret tree house.

Determined to kill at least one Stark, the Night King came at him with his army in tow. In the meantime, the Three-Eyed Raven was super annoyed that Bran had broken curfew. Deciding that he needed to be taught a lesson about using magic for selfish purposes, he took his mentee to his father’s past and coerced him into breaking Hodor’s brain. Talk about harsh! In the present, Hodor and Summer bravely gave up their lives while Meera escaped with Bran. That must be embarrassing for the Night King. You send your entire army to kill a sleeping crippled boy, and they can’t manage it. Talk about an epic fail.

Bran awoke some time later to find only Meera alive and a fandom full of people blaming him for Hodor’s death, even though it really wasn’t his fault. Sorry to break the fourth wall here, but seriously, the Three-Eyed Raven totally suckered him into it like a Three-Eyed Backstabber. “Listen to your friend, Bran,” he said. “It’ll be fine,” he said.

Meera and Bran were attacked by wights as they escaped, and just as it seemed that the two of them were finally going to make out, they were rescued by Benjen Stark, who brought them to the Wall and dumped Bran on the ground for Meera to carry. She’s going to be so ripped by the time they get to Winterfell.

Finally, away from the Three-Eyed Raven’s cave and without a mentor to guide him, Bran immediately discovered the truth about Jon Snow’s parentage, which is proof that mentors are useless. Take that, lazy Dumbledore!

*not serious at all