Image: Crossing Swords/Hulu
Season 1, Episode 10: “Unchained Monarchy”
The Crossing Swords season finale wastes no time picking up directly where “The a-moooo-sing Race” left off, with Princess Blossom and Patrick standing in front of the castle surrounded by blood and bodies. They enter the castle only to be taken captive by the Assassin’s soldiers and imprisoned in the tower with Donna, Queen Tulip, and King Merriam.
The Assassin reveals herself to be Sloane, or rather, Danielle, who is actually Donna’s daughter. Her mission has been to free her mother and put her on the throne as the rightful ruler. Luckily, Donna has written a children’s’ book informing us all about the spicy backstory, with some vivid illustrations. Basically, Donna ran away with a stable boy on the eve of her period party to avoid her chastity belt. They had a child, and then she was caught and imprisoned in the tower by her father.
In order to escape and save the day, Patrick rappels down the Tower’s sewage system using the yarn from Donna’s sex doll. After hilariously falling most of the way, he ends up confronting his siblings in the castle as they’re about to loot the place. When the Assassin’s soldiers arrive, Coral, Ruben, and Blarney have a change of heart about leaving their little brother to die, and together the four of them take down the enemy in an epic battle sequence.
Patrick chases Danielle up the tower, and the two battle it out. Danielle tries to convince Patrick to join her, offering him a knighthood, the possibility of being king, and potentially getting to see her naked. Despite this solid offer, Patrick refuses, and when she threatens to blow up the royal family, he knocks the bomb out of her hands. It falls down the stairs and explodes, destabilizing the tower.
But before it falls, Sloane pulls out her surprise squirrel wings and glides away, living to fight another day. Donna tries to follow her daughter, but since she’s lost her mind and doesn’t realize she has no wings, the King’s sister falls to her death.
Patrick leads the royal family to safety through the poop shoot. For his heroic efforts, Sgt. Meghan takes him off of her Shart List, making this one of the best days of the young squire’s life.
The final scene unveils that the game of thrones in Crossing Swords is far from over. Danielle visits Merriman’s father, her grandfather, the old king imprisoned in the storage castle, insinuating she will make another play for the throne if we get a season 2.
The real standouts from the finale, without a doubt, are the superbly executed action sequences. Patrick’s staircase swordfight with Danielle was thrilling and full of hilarious dialogue. Patrick teaming up with his siblings to take down the Assassin’s soldiers was a jump-up-and-cheer moment. Donna’s revealing children’s book was also a best-selling moment.
Crossing Sword’s first season finale was brilliant, and hopefully, not its last. From the character development to the storyline, visuals, and jokes, everything was on point about this season.
The final installment was by far the best of the season, leaving many subscribers eager for the next crop of episodes. In the meantime, we can binge this wickedly funny series over again.
Episode Grade: A+
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