Image: Crossing Swords/Hulu
Season 1, Episode 7: “Look Who’s Stalking”
A string of bad investments by King Merriman has put the kingdom’s finances in dire straits, and the people are starving. Frustrated by this predicament, he tosses his magic beans out the window. Patrick decides to plant them to grow some food, hopefully. That’s when he meets Sloane, a kitchen maid about to be fired who the young squire falls head over heels in love with, even though Broth doesn’t see what all the fuss is about.
A little while later, the beans grow into a massive beanstalk, and King Merriman sees this as his ticket out. He climbs up into the sky with Patrick close behind him. They discover the Wispies of the People’s Republic of Nimbus, a race of tiny people who live in a heavily regulated utopian society that has achieved utter perfection: Guaranteed income, universal healthcare, and fair pay for teachers are just some of the great things this little kingdom in the clouds has to offer.
Meanwhile, down below a large-sized bean from the stalk falls and is discovered by Coral, Ruben and Blarney. It hatches, producing what appears to be a baby ogre or orc of some kind that ages from newborn to mid-life-crisis-age in a day. At first it seems adorable, and the three scoundrels believe themselves to be grade-A parental figures. But soon they realize this will be no picnic, as he has issues with violent outbursts, projectile defecation, not cleaning his room, failing to get into Kindom University, and stealing a boat before dealing with the medieval police.
Back in the sky, Merriman refuses to follow the rules and is taken captive by the Wispies just as a frat boy bro giant arrives and starts destroying the Wispies and their homes. Patrick and Merriman get free, impale the giant intruder, and take his gold nipple ring to pay off the kingdom’s debts. Broth cuts down the beanstalk, and as Patrick and Merriman slide down to safety, the entire Wispie kingdom falls to its death. But at least Sloane gets to keep her job, and Patrick may still have a chance with the fair young maiden.
Coral, Ruben, and Blarney’s parental escapades absolutely carry the episode. The Wispies’ song about their politics and democracy was a triumph, and it will be interesting to see if Broth ever gets the butterfly’s precious butter. Finally, I loved The Good Place’s Jameela Jamil’s debut as Sloane; her vocal talent is the stuff of legends.
Despite having its fair share of memorable moments, it pains me to say this was definitely not my favorite installment of Crossing Swords. The whole beanstalk trope felt a bit out of place, and the Tyler the Giant thing felt forced. And at times it was easy to forget about Patrick and Merriman’s story altogether. While it wasn’t a train wreck, this episode feels like it missed the mark.