Who Let the Dogs Out? The Many Trials of Sansa Stark

As we enter the ten-week run-up to Game of Thrones season 7, there comes a time to reflect on the characters we know and love — or in some cases, hate. How have these characters’ lives changed since they first appeared on our screens? What lessons have they learned? Most importantly, which character’s story has the greatest potential for comedy? These are the hard questions that haunt a small portion of our waking moments, and so we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy a super-serious* recap of one character’s journey, every week.

Last week, we stopped by for a goblet of wine with Tyrion Lannister and recalled his journey from a drunk dwarf peeing off the Wall to his run as the de facto of Meereen. This week, we visit his one-time wife, Sansa Stark, Lady of Winterfell and sewer of fabulous dresses, darling.

Factfile

Name: Sansa Stark

Occupation: Princess (via Jon), Survivor, Lady of Winterfell

Nicknames: Little Dove (by Cersei), Little Bird (by Sandor Clegane), My Lady (by Brienne), Alayne (by Littlefinger), Catel—I mean, Sansa (also by Littlefinger)

Current Status: Alive

Kingdom: DA NORF REMEMBERS

Relationship Status: Happily Widowed

Significant Other: Joffrey Baratheon (engaged, called-off), Tyrion Lannister (married, unconsummated), Ramsay Bolton (married, eaten by dogs)

Likely Catchphrase: “All I ever think about is what was taken from my family.”

Unlikely Catchphrase: “I’m so ready to start dating again.”

Family

Mother: Catelyn Stark (deceased)

Father: Eddard Stark (deceased)

Siblings: Robb Stark (deceased), Arya Stark (I’d like to see anyone try), Brandon Stark, Rickon Stark (deceased)

Aunts/Uncles:  Brandon Stark (deceased), Lyanna Stark (deceased), Benjen Stark (half-baked), Edmure Tully, Lysa Tully (deceased)

Cousins: Jon Snow, Robin Arryn, Unnamed boy by Edmure Tully

Nieces/Nephews: Unborn niece or nephew by Robb and Talisa Stark (killed at the Red Wedding)

Grandparents: Rickard Stark (deceased), Lyarra Stark (deceased), Hoster Tully (deceased) and Minisa Tully (deceased)

Children: None (really, none, so stop asking)

Pets: Direwolf, Lady (deceased)

Known Associates

Current Allies: Jon Snow, Arya Stark, Brandon Stark, Petyr Baelish, Brienne of Tarth, Theon Greyjoy, Tyrion Lannister, Lyanna Mormont

Current Enemies: Cersei Lannister

It’s Complicated: Petyr Baelish

Personal kill list: One mattress, Ramsay Bolton (via ravenous dogs)

Character Stats

Preferred Weapon: Sass

Notable achievements:

• Played a vital role in Jon Snow’s victory at the Battle of the Bastards by delivering the Knights of the Vale
• Escaped Winterfell in a free-falling extravaganza and didn’t even break a nail
• Murdered Ramsay Bolton with his own dogs
• Holds Littlefinger’s balls in the palm of her hand
• Endured years of unthinkable torture without being broken
• Smacked the shit out of that spoiled brat, Robin Arryn

Special Abilities:

• Mental stability — a rarer gift than you’d expect in Westeros
• Picking the wrong guys
• High-end fashion
• Dressmaking
• Unexpected zingers out of nowhere
• Uncovering the insecurities of whiny man-children and pointing them out to their faces
• Beauty shots
• Braids
• Maintaining poker face whilst receiving unwanted sexual advances
• Canine handling

Biography

Season 1

We first met Sansa at Winterfell, where she was working alongside her sister, Arya, in a medieval sweat shop. When the royal family visited Winterfell, Sansa met her first crush, Prince Joffrey Baratheon, a boy who didn’t know how to match his foundation to his skin tone.

Innocent and romantic, Sansa begged her mother, Catelyn, to let her marry Joffrey because he was already allowed to wear makeup and that’s way cool. Catelyn gently advised her to wait until she’d stopped believing in Santa before committing herself to a dude forever, but Sansa didn’t want to listen. Her mother resisted the urge to wring her neck.

Sansa’s father, Eddard, agreed to become Hand of the King in the place of the late Jon Arryn, and brought Sansa and her sister to King’s Landing with him. During their trip, Joffrey — now her betrothed — took her on their first date, where he pressured her to indulge in underage drinking and tried to cut her sister in half with a sword, which really puts that guy who ate with his hands into perspective, doesn’t it, ladies? Arya’s direwolf pup, Nymeria, tore a strip out of Joffrey’s arm, and she and Arya did a runner. Nymeria is the hero Westeros deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

Sansa and Arya were called before King Robert to rat on Joffrey, but Sansa pretended she’d been looking the other way the whole time. That earned her a black eye from her sister and a dead puppy, as Robert ordered that her direwolf, Lady, be killed in place of Nymeria, who was AWOL. Sansa was distraught but cheered up when she reached the capital, which had lots of shiny shiny things to distract her. Everything went swimmingly until Ned discovered that Joffrey, who had now replaced his dead “father” as king, was a product of incest. Ned tried to arrest Joffrey’s mother Cersei, but instead he got thrown into a dungeon, and Sansa became a hostage.

Sansa begged Joffrey to spare her father’s life. The new king was happy to oblige, but only if Ned agreed to admit to a treason he hadn’t committed. Ned agreed, and was promptly executed on Joffrey’s command. It came as a complete shock to Sansa because Joffrey had only ever been sweet and gentle, except for all the times he wasn’t.

Season 2

Season 2 wasn’t exactly a banner year for Sansa. With Ned dead and Arya on the run, she was alone in King’s Landing and still engaged to Joffrey. Like any supportive partner, he subjected her to frequent beatings whenever he remembered that he wasn’t well-endowed, which was most days. During one particularly brutal public beating, Tyrion turned up and escorted her from the room. He asked her if she wanted to end her engagement but Sansa was all, “I’m not telling you my damn secrets. What do you think this is, season 1?”

Over the course of the season, Sansa was brutalized, insulted, tormented and set upon by three rapists during a riot, only to be rescued by Sandor Clegane, who just can’t help saving Stark girls. “But I feel like her arc is missing something this year,” said David Benioff. “You’re right, Big D,” said Dan Weiss. “How can we make this worse? Let’s call George, he’ll show us the way.”

Boom. Sansa got her first period. Objective achieved!

Before long, Stannis Baratheon sailed to King’s Landing with an armada and tried to sack the city. Joffrey met with Sansa before the battle began and boasted about how he really wasn’t poorly-endowed and actually he was the best king who ever kinged, so there. “My brother Robb has a bigger dick,” said Sansa serenely, and Joffrey’s tiny manhood shriveled to the size of a raisin. During the battle, Sansa holed up with a bunch of highborn ladies and watched in silence as Cersei placed an IV drip full of wine directly into her veins. Stannis lost the battle, which was probably just as well for Sansa, or Melisandre would have had her up on a pyre faster than you can say, “King’s blood.”

After the battle, Joffrey officially announced that he and Sansa were through. Thrilled, Sansa decided to retreat to her bedroom and dance to “Single Ladies” until break of day, but was stopped by a vampire named Petyr Baelish who told her she was still in danger. So much for that.

Season 3

Sansa was still trapped in King’s Landing, but things weren’t as bad as before. Joffrey was too distracted by his his bride-to-be, Margaery Tyrell, to devote much time to torturing her, and Cersei was too distracted by hating Margaery to devote much time to thinly-veiled insults. And when Margaery suggested that Sansa marry her handsome brother Loras, it looked like things were finally starting to go her way.

Sansa liked Loras because he was beautiful and had an incredible sense of style. Loras liked Sansa’s…clothes. Oh, the fashion empire these two could have run.

Sansa’s dreams of a blissfully loveless marriage were dashed when Tywin Lannister forced her into a miserably loveless marriage with his youngest and smallest son, Tyrion. Their wedding was a disaster from start to finish, although it improved later in the night when Tyrion declared that she didn’t have to consummate the union. Sansa was relieved, on account of being 14 years old and far too young to be popping out children. Medieval society was nuts.

Still, it could have been worse. She may have been married to a Lannister, Bran and Rickon may have been presumed dead, and her father may have been executed, but at least the rest of her family were alive and… oh. Well. This is awkward.

Season 4

Not long after her marriage to Tyrion, Joffrey was poisoned at his own wedding to Margaery, dying and bringing unending delight to the living, the dead, and those yet to be born. In the confusion, Sansa was accosted by the king’s fool, Ser Dontos, whom Sansa had once talked Joffrey out of publicly murdering. Ser Dontos hurried Sansa out to sea, where Petyr Baelish awaited her on board his ship. “Fiddle de dee, Sansa,” said Petyr, elongating his vowels unnecessarily. “I will always protect you.” “But didn’t you plant the murder weapon on my neck?” asked Sansa. Suddenly, Petyr had to take an urgent phone call, and made a hasty exit.

Petyr brought Sansa to the Eyrie. There, Sansa met her aunt Lysa, who brought a whole new brand of crazy into this poor girl’s life. Lysa married Petyr that day, but was immediately jealous of Sansa because she knew how to breathe without flaring her nostrils wildly, and accused her of being pregnant with Petyr’s baby. Sansa tried to explain that vampires can’t impregnate human women, but Lysa was having none of it.

Some time later, Sansa went outside to play in the snow and reclaim a fragment of her shattered childhood, but Petyr sidled over and mashed his face into her face while Lysa watched in the shadows. I mean, whatever you’re into, but can we leave the kids out of it?

Lysa was so mad at Petyr for forcing himself on a child that she tried to kill the child. Right on. Before she could push Sansa out of the Moon Door, Petyr happened upon them and threw Lysa out instead. “I will always protect you,” he told Sansa. “But didn’t you bring this whole situation on by kissing me?” Petyr suddenly got an urgent fax, and quickly retreated. Shrugging it off, Sansa decided to experiment with Clairol.

Season 5

With Lysa Arryn dead and the Lannisters in turmoil, Sansa was finally free to…become somebody else’s punchbag!

Intent on wooing Sansa to his side, Petyr Baelish decided to push her into the arms of someone even worse than him — y’know, that old trick. Sansa was brought back to Winterfell and given to Ramsay Bolton as a new bride, or toy, depending on whose perspective you’re taking. Before the wedding, she and Petyr had a chat in the crypts, where he made good on his promise to protect her by announcing his departure. “But how can you protect me if you’re not here?” said Sansa. Petyr suddenly remembered an urgent email he had to respond to, and scurried away.

To nobody’s surprise, Ramsay was an utter nutjob and began to abuse Sansa from the day they were married onward. Myranda, Ramsay’s vicious girlfriend, was jealous that Sansa was being beaten and raped while she was forced to suffer in silence on the sidelines, begrudging her own agency and freedom to give consent. Some people get all the breaks.

In the meantime, Brienne had followed Sansa to Winterfell and smuggled a message into the castle: “Light a candle in the broken tower and I’ll come rescue you. Unless I’m avenging somebody else, but what are the chances?” Sansa asked Theon Greyjoy, Ramsay’s battered, belittled, broken slave, to answer the message, but he dun ratted her out. Furious, she admonished him for his crimes against her family and learned that Bran and Rickon, whom Theon was known to have killed, were actually alive and missing. With newfound hope, Sansa escaped her room while her husband was out warring, only to run into Myranda and Theon.

Myranda was sick of Sansa parading around in her own damn house and decided to mutilate her. “Welcome to the 75th annual Hunger Games,” she began, but Theon flung her to her death because he’d been Team Gale the whole time. “I loved Gale too!” said Sansa, and they leapt off the battlements together. Talk about an exit.

Season 6

Having survived their fall with nary a hair out of place, Sansa and Theon were chased by Ramsay’s guards, but Brienne and Pod came to the rescue. Theon decided to go home, so Sansa and her new friends travelled on to Castle Black. Jon was delighted to see her — finally, another attractive redhead who wasn’t Tormund! Dolorous Edd also developed a big old crush on her. He thinks we didn’t notice, but we did. We did.

Jon and Sansa’s Incredibly Happy Reunion was joyful but short-lived. While Jon wanted to lay down his sword and go on vacation, Sansa came here to drink soup and reclaim Winterfell, and she was all out of soup. The situation was exacerbated by Ramsay, who had never learned the art of writing a good congratulatory note. With Rickon’s life at stake and the Bolton bastard demanding Sansa’s return, Jon reluctantly agreed to fight for their home. Thus began Jon and Sansa’s Incredibly Fruitless Road Trip.

Elsewhere, Petyr Baelish transformed into a bat and flew all the way to Mole’s Town to offer the Knights of the Vale to Sansa. She turned him down because he’d sold her to her rapist like yard equipment on Craigslist. This left the Starks with limited resources, as most of the northern families refused to help them. Jon decided to press ahead with the battle anyway, and marched on Winterfell. Some people are so impatient. This is exactly why leaks happen on Reddit. Planning for the worst, Sansa wrote to Littlefinger and asked for assistance.

On the night before the battle, Sansa urged Jon to accept the fact that they had lost Rickon and to avoid falling into one of Ramsay’s traps. Unfortunately, what Jon heard was, “If Ramsay parades Rickon in front of you, it’s not a trap and we can totally get him back.” He promised to protect Sansa but she didn’t believe it. “You can’t even die properly,” she reminded him. “Live in the real world.”

The next day, they lost Rickon and Jon was immediately caught in a trap. Luckily, the Knights of the Vale arrived in the nick of time, and the Starks took Winterfell back. Sansa skipped the celebratory bender to visit Ramsay and settle the terms of their conscious uncoupling out of court. When Ramsay refused to sign the divorce papers, Sansa had him ripped apart by his own hounds. “It’s a dog eat dog world,” she said to herself as she walked away.

Sansa visited her daddy’s weirwood tree to enjoy some quiet reflection. Naturally, Petyr Baelish came clambering out of his coffin to put the moves on her. “You know it’s true,” he crooned in her ear. “Everything I do, I do it for ultimate power and the Iron Throne, but also for you.” Sansa swiped left. “You can’t tell me, it’s not worth fighting for,” Littlefinger sang sadly. To himself. Sansa had already left to get a mani-pedi or something.

Later, she joined Jon on the Winterfell battlements, remembering that fun time she jumped from them. “We can’t go on together, with suspicious minds,” he warbled, before planting a smacker on her forehead. All these dudes singing at her, man. Give her a break.

The Northmen gathered before Jon and congratulated him for avenging the Red Wedding, a task he’d managed to accomplish without killing any of the people who were directly involved in it. Really, guys? You’re going to give him credit for that? For real? Awkwardly, nobody pointed out that Sansa had brought the Vale into the fold, and left her sitting there like chopped liver. “The King in the North!” they all cried, and continued to do so until it petered out and got even more awkward. Because that worked out so well last time.

*not serious at all