Looking for a Hand to Hold—The Life and Lies of Jaime Lannister

As we enter the run-up to Game of Thrones season 7, there comes a time to reflect on the characters we know and love — or in some cases, hate. How have these characters’ lives changed since they first appeared on our screens? What lessons have they learned? Most importantly, which character’s story has the greatest potential for comedy? These are the hard questions that haunt a small portion of our waking moments, and so we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy a super-serious* recap of one character’s journey, every week.

Last time, we stopped in with everyone’s favorite immobile Stark, sweet baby Bran, and explored the mysterious events that have shaped his journey. After a short break, we’re back with an overview of the man who started Bran on his path to enlightenment, the sometimes-villainous, mostly-doe-eyed Jaime Lannister.

Factfile

Name: Jaime Lannister

Occupation: Former Kingsguard, Current leader of the Lannister army, DILF

Nicknames: Kingslayer, Oathbreaker, Man Without Honor, Goldfinger, Ser Jaime, Sad Eyes Jim

Current Status: Alive

Kingdom: The Westerlands

Relationship Status: Who even knows at this point?

Significant Other: Cersei Lannister (not Facebook official), Brienne of Tarth (HE WISHES)

Likely Catchphrase: “I don’t give a damn ’bout my bad reputation.”

Unlikely Catchphrase: “Somebody has to tell Cersei that she’s out of control, and that somebody is me.”

Family

Mother: Joanna Lannister (deceased)

Father: Tywin Lannister (deceased)

Siblings: Cersei Lannister and Tyrion Lannister

Aunts/Uncles:  Kevan Lannister (deceased), Genna Lannister, Tygett Lannister, Gerion Lannister, Stafford Lannister, Damon Lannister (all in the books only, fates unknown on the show)

Cousins: Lancel Lannister (deceased), Willem Lannister (deceased), Martyn Lannister (deceased), Alton Lannister (AWKWARD), Janei Lannister, Tyrek Lannister, Joy Hill, Daven Lannister, Cerenna Lannister, Myielle Lannister, Damion Lannister, Cleos Frey, Lyonel Frey, Tion Frey and “Red” Walder Frey (most in the books only, fates unknown on the show)

Grandparents:  Tytos Lannister (deceased), Jeyne Lannister (formerly Marbrand, deceased), Jason Lannister (deceased), Marla Lannister (formerly Prester, deceased)

Children: Joffrey Baratheon (deceased), Myrcella Baratheon (cruel, CRUEL timing) and Tommen Baratheon (deceased)

Known Associates

Current Allies: Cersei Lannister, Bronn, Brienne of Tarth

Current Enemies: All of Cersei’s enemies, which is everybody else

It’s Complicated: Tyrion Lannister, Brienne of Tarth

Personal kill list: Aerys Targaryen, Jory Cassel, Torrhen Karstark, Alton Lannister, Martell guard, countless other unnamed characters, mostly aligned with House Stark

Character Stats:

Preferred Weapon: Sword (formerly), Golden Hand (you could take someone’s eye out with it)

Notable achievements:

• Named to King Aerys Targaryen’s Kingsguard as a teenager
• Killed King Aerys Targaryen, thus bringing about a short era of peace to Westeros and saving half a million innocent lives
• Named Lord Commander of King Joffrey Baratheon’s Kingsguard
• Rescued Brienne of Tarth from a literal bear
• Tywin Lannister’s favorite child
• Has not, unlike both of his siblings, succumbed to alcoholism
• Crippled a ten-year-old

Special Abilities:

• Sword-fighting (formerly)
• Handsomeness
• Saying one thing and meaning another
• Squinting
• Tormented facial expressions
• Mocking people to whom he secretly feels inferior
• Modern hairstyles
• Looks good on a white horse
• Looks good covered in blood and muck
• Family drama mediation (probably)
• Being dishonorable, also being honorable (depends on who you’re talking to)

Biography

Pre-Show

Jaime Lannister had a typical childhood — or what would be considered a typical childhood if you’re Zac Efron in High School Musical, and your only real problem in life is that you have too many opportunities and too many girls want you. Born to Tywin and Joanna Lannister, Jaime and his twin sister, Cersei, grew up rich, spoiled and afforded every privilege.

Jaime’s mother died in childbirth. The baby, named Tyrion, survived, and was born with dwarfism. Jaime didn’t let Tyrion’s handicap or his mother’s death affect his relationship with his little brother, because he was a sweet kid. Cersei, on the other hand, hated Tyrion for both of these reasons, and physically abused him as he lay in his crib. Jaime didn’t seem to realize that Cersei may have had some issues that needed to be dealt with, because he was also a dumb kid.

As Jaime reached adolescence, he got really ridiculously good-looking, so lots of girls liked him. However, he only had eyes for one special lady: his twin sister Cersei. Their forbidden love affair began in childhood and would continue throughout their lives, resulting in three bastard-born children and numerous casualties. In hindsight, Tywin probably should have devoted more hours to family therapy sessions and less time to combating his son’s dyslexia with cruelty, and maybe all of this could have been avoided — but hey, at least Jaime can invert his verbs.

Jaime was Tywin’s heir, which meant he had to stay at Casterly Rock while Cersei lived in King’s Landing with their father, who was Hand to the King to crazy old Aerys Targaryen. Neither of the Lannister twins were cool with this, so Cersei promised Jaime that she’d find a way for them to be together. Lo and behold, Aerys decided to name Jaime to his Kingsguard very shortly afterwards, leaving Tywin with no heir but Tyrion. Deeply enraged, Tywin resigned from his post as Hand of the King and took Cersei back to Casterly Rock with him. Sixteen-year-old Jaime was now alone in King’s Landing and stuck working for a celibate order that served for life, with no vacation time and zero healthcare benefits. It was the worst after-school job of all time, on account of how he wasn’t allowed to quit. Ever.

We all know how it feels when your boss makes you work weekends, doesn’t pay you for overtime and forces you to watch while he burns innocent people alive for his all amusement. Aerys was guilty of all of these crimes and more, but Jaime tried his best to keep his vows and be a loyal bodyguard, even after the rest of Westeros rose up in rebellion against him. Indeed, Jaime stuck it out with Aerys right up until his boss ordered him to kill his own father and allow the royal pyromancers to burn the entire city to the ground. That, and the fact that Aerys insisted on having a Whatsapp group for the Kingsguard where he spammed them with memes all day, was too much for Jaime. He killed Aerys, and was sitting numbly in his throne when Ned Stark happened upon him.

“You are guilty of betraying your king,” said Ned, who had rebelled against the crown, which is just a fancier way to betray your king. “You, a mere child, have no honor and can have no chance to redeem yourself for the rest of your adult life.”

“But I–”

“Guilty.”

“He wanted to burn down the–”

“Guilty.”

“He killed your father and–”

“Guilty.”

“You’re not even listening, are y–”

“GUILTY!”

Jaime was thereafter known as the Kingslayer, and despised by all the people he had saved. Because that’s fair. With a new king, Robert Baratheon, on the throne, Jaime resumed his position as a Kingsguard and was forced to watch as his sister married his new employer. It’s almost as if the universe doesn’t want these two together.

Spoiler alert — it doesn’t. That’s some messed up shit, right there.

Season 1

Jaime first arrived on our screens in season 1, where he and the rest of the royal family visited House Stark at Winterfell. Handsome, talented and renowned throughout the Seven Kingdoms as a great fighter, Jaime embodied everything that young Brandon Stark wanted to be when he grew up — a dream that Jaime ended when Bran caught him banging his own sister in an abandoned tower. Before the young lad could decide on a new career, Jaime caught him and flung him out of the window. “Well, shit,” he said as he watched Bran fall. “It’s going to take until at least the third season until I become a fan favorite.”

Following Bran’s fall and resultant coma, Jaime felt so guilty that he strutted around like a peacock and took sly digs at Jon Snow, suspecting as he did that Jon would one day surpass him in skill, attractiveness and memeability. My goodness. It’s almost as if he wasn’t guilty at all!

Ned Stark and his daughters travelled back to King’s Landing with the royal family. Everything was fine until Catelyn Stark arrested Jaime’s brother, Tyrion, for two attempts on Bran’s life. Hilariously, Tyrion was the only Lannister sibling who had no involvement in Bran’s predicament, an irony I’m sure he laughed at many times as he languished in a sky cell.

Back in King’s Landing, Jaime was enraged that Catelyn had dissed a member of his crew, and challenged Ned to a fight behind the bleachers after class. He won using a combination of dirty tactics and filthy tactics, then fled King’s Landing, fearing detention.

Jaime joined his father Tywin in the Riverlands. Not to be outdone by his son, Tywin had declared war on House Stark, and he sent Jaime off to lead a force of his own. Later, Jaime was captured by Robb Stark’s army and locked up in his camp. Though everybody hated him, he was fly as hell so he got a cage all to himself. A grieving Catelyn Stark went to visit him one evening, intent on doing some detective work and smacking the shit out of him with a rock. “Why did you try to kill my son?” she asked Jaime. “Because I wanted him to die,” Jaime replied.

“Right,” said Catelyn blankly. “Well. I don’t know what I was expecting.”

Season 2

The second season was quiet for Jaime. He spent most of it sitting on his ass, though he did manage to pull off a double-murder whilst sitting on his ass, which still makes him a lot more impressive than most of us mere mortals who can barely expend the energy to reach for another Dorito. Unfortunately, he sucked at escaping and got caught immediately.

One of the people Jaime killed during his escape attempt was a son of Lord Karstark, a man who thought the entire war revolved around him. Once Jaime was returned to the camp, Catelyn feared that the Karstarks would kill him before the night was out, ruining a perfectly good hostage. So Catelyn thought up a plan and brought her new bestie, Brienne of Tarth, to Jaime’s cell. Jaime was immediately taken with Brienne but didn’t know how to speak to a woman — any woman — who wasn’t his sister, so he decided to make derogatory comments about Brienne’s looks because he had the emotional intelligence of a toddler.

Catelyn gave Jaime a telling-off for always breaking his vows, and Jaime shot back with a reasonable point about how it’s difficult to keep a multitude of promises that contradict each other. But he also made some below-the-belt comments about Ned’s infidelity, and Catelyn had trouble seeing his point through the haze of her anger and self-righteousness. Jaime, for his part, couldn’t see Catelyn’s point because the giant chip on his shoulder was obscuring his field of vision. In fact, the chip was so large, it should really have been a named character all by itself. Their conversation was never going to end in the popping of a champagne cork and raucous laughter throughout the night, let’s just put it that way.

Anyway, because Robb’s cause had morphed from getting his family back to independent rule for the entire northern part of the continent, nobody in his camp gave a shit about Sansa and Arya. But Catelyn still cared. She freed Jaime in the hopes that he would exchange himself for her daughters and send them back to her, and assigned Brienne to escort him to King’s Landing. It looked like we were in for an excellent Odd Couple road-trip movie.

Season 3

During the journey to the capitol, Jaime and Brienne’s Odd Couple road-trip became a high school romance flick, the kind where the popular jock falls for the plain girl with a heart of gold who hides her hotness behind a pair of glasses (in Brienne’s case, substitute glasses for a hefty amount of armor). Per the formula, the unpopular girl falls for him in return, even though she could definitely do better. That said, I can’t recall Freddie Prinze Jr. ever rescuing Rachael Leigh Cook from a live bear, so perhaps Jaime deserves a little more credit.

At first, Jaime was so hung up on his prom queen girlfriend, Cersei, that he challenged Brienne to a physical fight in order to escape her and return to King’s Landing — even though he was weak from months of malnutrition and she was taking him there anyway. Ever heard of logic, Jaime? I guess maybe he wasn’t getting enough sleep or something. Brienne beat the crap out of him, which was very noisy, and they were immediately captured by Locke, one of Roose Bolton’s men.

Locke, who from the looks of it spent a fair amount of time mentoring Ramsay Snow in the art of personability, decided that Brienne was fair game for sexual assault. He changed his mind when Jaime found his misplaced logic in the back of his jeans and told him that Brienne’s father would pay his daughter’s weight in sapphires upon her safe return. Luckily for Brienne, Locke enjoyed shiny things more than he enjoyed raping women. Unluckily for Jaime, Locke enjoyed chopping off hands more than he enjoyed anything else in the world.

Now handless and unable to resume the position of star quarterback, Jaime was taken to Harrenhal with Brienne. There, they met Roose Bolton, who was majorly embarrassed by Locke’s shenanigans but did nothing about it. Typical Roose, letting everyone get away with their random acts of cruelty. Let’s hope it doesn’t backfire on him later.

Now guests in Harrenhal, Jaime sought out Brienne in the bathtub and finally saw what was under her armor: 6 ft 2″ of hubba hubba. Time to impress her, he thought, and then spent the entire bath spilling his deepest, darkest secrets and passing out in her arms. Not an excellent first date, but not an altogether terrible one, either.

Roose agreed to let Jaime return to King’s Landing, but insisted that Brienne be kept at Harrenhal so that Locke could receive a ransom payment from her father, Selwyn Tarth. While on the road, Jaime learned that Locke had rejected Lord Tarth’s offer of payment. Because he put it into Locke’s head that Lord Tarth was rich in the first place, Jaime was filled with a sense of obligation (passionate love) and raced back to Harrenhal to find Brienne, armed with only a wooden sword, trapped in a large pit with a bear. Jaime did what any one-handed, malnourished, feverish man who doesn’t care all that much about a woman would do and threw himself heroically into the pit with her. He tried to reason with the bear, but this is Game of Thrones, not Anchorman, and Jaime is not an adorable Border Terrier.

He and Brienne managed to escape the pit, but Locke wasn’t happy that the afternoon entertainment had been cancelled. (Remember, guys, TV hasn’t been invented in Westeros, so people get their kicks where they can.) “The bitch stays,” he said to Jaime, looking entirely non-threatening. “Get bent, nerds,” Jaime replied. “I’m taking her to the winter formal, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Season 4

Relieved that his favorite child was back in King’s Landing, Tywin showed his love for Jaime by disowning him when he refused to quit the Kingsguard. Cersei mirrored her father’s benevolence by fitting him with a prosthetic hand that could easily drag him beneath the water and drown him if he ever fell into a river. Finally, Tyrion sent him to train in left-handed combat with Bronn, a secret arrangement which took place on a hidden platform right next to the ocean. Given the Lannister penchant for slyly trying to kill each other off, I’m surprised Jaime wasn’t more suspicious.

Soon after, Jaime’s eldest son and fake nephew Joffrey married Margaery Tyrell in a lavish ceremony. At the wedding feast, disaster struck when Jaime’s one true love, Cersei, bumped into his, er… one true love, Brienne, and they spent a few minutes flaring their nostrils in mutual jealousy. So awkward.

Joffrey also died, which was mildly inconvenient.

Tyrion was arrested for Joffrey’s murder. His wife, who had vanished from the capitol following Joffrey’s death, was considered a suspect. Jaime dispatched Brienne to find and protect her, but not before giving her his priceless Valyrian steel sword and a custom-made suit of armor. “Not that I’ve been studying the intricacies of your glorious form or anything. Ha. Haha,” he said to Brienne. “Wouldn’t it be funny if we, like, kissed?”

Though Jaime believed Tyrion was innocent, he was too shit-scared of Cersei to do much about it until the day of his brother’s trial, when it became obvious that Tyrion was being framed harder than a nice Monet. Jaime barged into Tywin’s office and offered to quit the Kingsguard in exchange for his brother’s life. “You fold faster than one of Littlefinger’s whores in a deckchair,” said Tywin. “But sure.”

It was a noble sacrifice which — like all of Jaime’s noble sacrifices — went largely unnoticed because Tyrion demanded a trial by combat, which he lost. Jaime had no choice but to personally free his brother on the night before his execution. He smiled as Tyrion hurried away. “Nothing can go wrong as a result of this decision,” he said to himself, before skipping off to commission a portrait of Brienne or something.

Season 5

After Tyrion killed Lord Tywin during his evening constitutional, Jaime felt miserable and useless, not least because Cersei made it her mission in life to tell him as much. As an act of penance, he decided to take himself to Dorne for a full season, though a walk over hot coals or even a week on the torture rack may have been preferable. He recruited Bronn to come with him because Jerome Flynn is a fan favorite and D&D couldn’t think of anything else for him to do, and also because Jaime doesn’t have any other friends.

On the way to Dorne, Jaime sailed by his crush’s house, the island of Tarth. Brienne wasn’t there. Saddened, he retreated to his cabin and spent the rest of the journey calling her phone and hanging up whenever she answered.

Upon arrival in Dorne, everything became an awful, slapstick physical comedy show. Ellaria Sand was desperate to get revenge on the Lannisters because her lover, Oberyn Martell, had died in a completely legal trial by combat he’d volunteered for. Sounds like a dumb reason to be mad, I know, but Ellaria was also upset because Oberyn’s sister, Elia, had long ago been killed by the Mountain, who was working for Tywin at the time, even though Tywin was dead now. She decided to kill Myrcella, who had nothing to do with Oberyn or Elia’s deaths, because she was the daughter of Jaime and Cersei, who also had nothing to do with either death.

Still not convinced? Good. You shouldn’t be. This whole plot is dumb. In fact, I’d rather watch an entire episode — all 50-plus minutes — of Hot Pie talking about gravy than endure this plot for 30 more seconds.

Anyway, Oberyn’s dumb daughters attacked Myrcella because they shared Ellaria’s dumb ideas and there was a dumb fight and eventually Doran Martell, who was furious because Dorne had been so poorly represented, grounded everybody and agreed to send Myrcella and his son to King’s Landing with Jaime. “We’re going to lose so much tourism revenue because of this!” he raged at Ellaria. “Nobody likes us now!”

On the boat home, Jaime tried to tell Myrcella that he was, in fact, her dad, but she beat him to the punch and told him she already knew. “But how?” said Jaime. “Because you’re about as discreet as that ostentatious fake hand of yours,” said Myrcella, proving herself to be the sweetest and the most intelligent of Jaime’s children. Jaime was so thrilled to have his daughter’s love that Myrcella collapsed and died on the spot — because being happy in Game of Thrones is like talking about Fight Club, and if you do it, you sure as hell better be expecting a punishment. Well done, Jaime. You had one useful child. One.

Myrcella appeared to have been poisoned, but there’s evidence to suggest that she actually died of mortification following Tyene Sand’s, “you need the bad pussy” line. Official autopsy results are forthcoming.

Season 6

Jaime was sad upon returning to King’s Landing because he had forgotten to buy souvenirs for his family, and also because he’d spent the entire boat ride hanging out with his dead progeny.

Wanting to be helpful, Jaime joined Cersei in the Small Council chamber, but they were immediately consigned to the kids’ table by their uncle Kevan and his new crush, Olenna Tyrell. Not to be defeated, Jaime doubled-down on being the best Kingsguard he could be, until he was publicly fired by Tommen. “I’ve been a member of the Kingsguard since you were still in my balls!” cried Jaime, but the king wasn’t interested in his arguments. “That’ll teach him for forgetting to buy me Dornish candy,” Tommen said to himself as Jaime walked away.

It was a difficult time for Jaime. His daughter was dead, his son was a zealot, his girlfriend was his sister and nobody was letting him be his best self. Then Tommen told him to go to to the Riverlands and reclaim Riverrun for the useless Frey family. Cersei encouraged him to comply in the hopes that seeing the Freys’ sheer incompetence would give Jaime a confidence boost.

At Riverrun, Jaime met with the Brynden ‘Blackfish’ Tully and tried to intimidate him into giving up the castle. “I can’t take you seriously with that Backstreet Boys haircut,” the Blackfish replied. “Don’t you have a reunion gig to get to?” Soon afterwards, Brienne of Tarth arrived for her own discussion with the Blackfish. Jaime had his white horse readied and rode masterfully through the camp, but it totally wasn’t to impress her.

Jaime received Brienne in his tent and proceeded to make sad heart eyes at her the entire time, but she just wanted to get on with shit, so it was a no-boner situation. She tried to give him back his sword but Jaime refused to take it. “Why?” said Brienne. “‘Cause I Want It That Way,” Jaime sang, wishing he had a white suit to go with his horse.

Brienne suggested that Jaime take Riverrun without violence, so being the romantic guy he is, he went to Edmure Tully and threatened to catapult his baby over the walls of the castle like Dennis the Menace slinging a tomato at Mr. Wilson. “But if Brienne asks, tell her we had a nice chat over tea and crumpets,” he warned Edmure.

Edmure gave in, and Jaime watched the love of his life sail away down the river. “Tell me why,” he sang softly, as he watched her leave. “Aint nothing but a heartache.” He considered jumping into the river and chasing her for a romantic confession, but he would have drowned instantly. I guess Cersei knew what she was doing all along.

All was not lost, for Jaime still had Cersei and Tommen waiting for him back at home. He rode to King’s Landing with souvenirs for both of them, where he found that Tommen was dead and Cersei had gone full Hiroshima on the sept of Baelor. What a fun, sexy time for him.

*not serious at all