WiC Watches: Avenue 5

Image: Avenue 5/HBO

Episode 7: “Are You a Spider, Matt?”

“We should throw Matt out of the airlock for making people panic that they’re gonna be thrown out of the airlock.” Yes, Iris! Yes, you should do that. We’re seven episodes into this series and I’m still questioning what in the space hell Matt is doing on this ship. Jettison him and his promo-making, unbearably arch comic stylings!

After last week’s episode, I thought there was a chance the show was turning things around, but we’re back to aimless non-comedy this week. The only slip of an idea here is that the passengers are becoming overly invested in what Frank thinks is the face of Pope John Paul II in the ring of shit circling the ship. A couple of characters make comments about how that mass hallucination could distract them so they don’t mutiny, which sounds interesting, but we don’t really dive into their fascination beyond, ‘Isn’t it funny they like looking at poop?’

Meanwhile, the plot turns in a couple of stupid ways. When the Avenue 5 finally gets near Earth in a few years, there’s a plan to dock the ship at a space-faring port, but because of imprinting or something, the only person able to do it is Captain Clark (and Joe, but he died back in the premiere), so Ryan has to learn to pilot the ship in that time. What’s the advantage of making it impossible for anyone but a couple of people to whom anything could happen over a long journey capable of piloting this rig? I have no idea. Don’t ask, just watch.

Also dumb: Billie puts it together that they can cut the travel time on the journey from three years to six months by jettisoning a bunch of stuff, which will both get everyone home faster and eliminate the need to get rid of 500 passengers, a prospect Rav is taking a lot of heat for back on Earth. If that were an option, I find it really hard to believe no one thought of it until now. Also, it means that Ryan only has a matter of months rather than years to pilot the ship, surely dooming us all. So there’s a silver lining.

Also dumb: Rav abandons her post as director of mission control and gets on a ship meant to deliver food seasoning to the Avenue 5. This show needs an anchor badly, and none of the characters are willing.

And to be clear, I’d be fine with all of this if the show was funny, but it’s not, or at least, not nearly enough. There are lots of punchlines, but a ton don’t land, maybe most. Take this zinger from new character Harrison Ames, a litigious trillionaire who openly mocks Judd’s VR Judy Garland fantasies. “I think that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard whalesong.”

What the hell does that even mean? It has the cadence of a joke, but…are whalesongs sad? Is that a commonly understood thing? Spike makes a joke about Jean Paul Getty…on a show set decades into our future? What is this nonsense? There are a lot of clunkers like this throughout, or else the writers mistake being mean for being funny.

The cast is talented, but we already knew that. I sympathized with Captain Clark — who’s depressed over his impending divorce — as he exploded at the dinner table, revealing his British accent in front of several guests. My favorite part of the episode was the flirtation between Jordan and Billie, who has a very workmanlike approach to humor. Sure, it’s a cliche — the nerdy engineer doesn’t get jokes, ha ha — but Lenora Crichlow sells it.

I do not like this show. I’m wishing I’d reviewed The Outsider about now. Anyone out there still watching along with us?

Grade: D+

Bullet Points…In Space!

• “That right there, is that an ear?” “No, it’s a piece of shit.”
• “Can you stop this?” “Absolutely.”
• “Last 10 minutes without Judd…and I’ve wasted some of them saying this.”
• “I know what makes my Frankie happy: some classical jazz, a nice box of raisons.”
• Future update: Tobey Maguire was killed in prison.
• I liked the dart board with Judd’s face on it in the engineering bay.
• Apparently everyone in the future is a lot more casual about cursing, including on the news.
• “Alright, if you like a guy who disrespects furniture, I can do that.”
• “Oh, to be a happy credit.”
• “I could hug you but neither one of us wants that.”
• “Science does not need faith. It just is.”