Every Star Wars movie and TV show Disney has made, ranked worst to best

9. The Rise of Skywalker

When I first saw the final film in the Star Wars sequel trilogy, I loved it. It was midnight on opening weekend and I was with a group of friends (full disclosure: we were all fairly drunk). But on rewatch, it turned.

Visually speaking, this movie is amazing. The effects are brilliant, there are some really wonderful fight scenes, and Palpatine’s Sith cave is gorgeously malicious. But every time I think about the plot, I want to sue J.J. Abrams. It makes me so sad and angry that this is now the final movie in the Skywalker saga.

My main issue here is that Abrams seemingly tried to retcon everything that he didn’t like about the previous film, The Last Jedi. He tries to squeeze his own idea for a sequel trilogy into one movie and derails everything the last film set up. While there’s much to debate about The Last Jedi — and don’t worry, we’ll talk about it all later — at the very least, it brought in some original ideas. Abrams bulldozes over those, destroying (or at best, ignoring) themes that are central to the saga.

First of all, there’s the reveal that Palpatine is alive and been pulling the strings. In all of 15 minutes, we learn that the Emperor has secretly been controlling every evil thing that’s happened over the past couple movies, Snoke was a clone, and that he plans to conquer the galaxy with an army that he raises out of the sea.

So does this mean that happened in the original movies mattered? Anakin Skywalker was supposed to be the Chosen One who brought balance to the force, and did so by killing the Emperor and leaving only his son, Luke, to reestablish the Jedi Order. The Last Jedi shows us that in order for there to be true balance in the Force, the Jedi must die out. The Force is not something to be wielded as a tool on a quest for power. It’s all around us, and we must seek balance through understanding how it affects all ways of life. I guess Abrams just thought that was dumb; let’s give the people Palpatine instead.

Was Anakin’s whole tragic story a waste? Anakin showed that anyone could be in touch with the Force, not just people related to Force users. None of the Jedi from the prequels came from some sort of long line of Force wielders, so why does Rey have to? Fans wanted her to be related to somebody, but the other movies asked us to think deeper.

In almost every hero story — Star Wars, Harry Potter, etc — the orphan becomes a hero because it is their destiny. They are related to someone important, and are therefore meant for something greater. Making Rey “nobody” is a wonderful, egalitarian subversion of that idea, completed ruined by Abrams making her Palpatine’s granddaughter.

And why does Rey have to call herself a Skywalker at the end? It’s more powerful for her to accept that she is who she is but that doesn’t define her. Her actions are what define her, and they’re capable of standing alone. Her family blood line shouldn’t have to matter.

Also, who did Palpatine sleep with to have grandkids? And when? And why have we never heard of his kids? How many kids did he have? Just the one? There are so many stupid questions that now have to be asked because of the dumb decisions in this movie! It just makes me angry. There should be a tenth movie to clear things up. Watch the prequels instead, and think of the sequel trilogy as just really fun fanfiction.