All 73 episodes of Game of Thrones, ranked worst to best
31. “Walk of Punishment,” Season 3, Episode 3
In the immortal words of Ron Burgundy’s nemesis Frank Vitchard, “I did not see that coming.”
At the climax of the episode, in a surprising act of chivalry that backfires in the worst possible way, Jaime Lannister attempts to persuade Bolton guardsmen not to rape Brienne of Tarth. Bolton lieutenant Locke decides it’d be nice to actual give Jaime a taste of the real world, where not everyone’s daddy is the most powerful man in Westeros, and lops off Jamie’s sword hand.
And while losing a hand is of course devastating in and of itself, Jaime WAS that sword hand. The show fails in my estimation to highlight this fact, something the books go to great lengths to emphasize. Jaime’s prowess with a sword was what won him most of his fame and infamy, and losing it has a profound affect on Jaime and his relationships with others, in the books moreso than on the show.
Either way, it is a hallmark moment in the life of Jaime Lannister, one that forces him to confront life as an average, albeit wealthy, man. (And in an awful bit of foreshadowing, Jaime must now decide if he wants to live a cripple, or die a good, clean death, as he suggested for Bran Stark in the very second episode of the series.)
Outside of this startling moment at the end of the episode, plots continue to inch forward. Daenerys is beginning to come into her own, more so than in past seasons as she chastises renowned knights Jorah Mormont and Barristan Selmy for questioning her in public. No character grows as much as Dany does in Season 3.
Arya shares a sweet moment with the departing Hot Pie, something all too rare for our soon-to-be serial killer, and Theon is freed from his torture chamber by a mysterious benefactor. Good luck with that Theon!
30. “The Old Gods and the New,” Season 2, Episode 6
“Where are my dragons?”
Dany, Dany, Dany. You can’t leave the only three living dragons in the world lying around like a set of car keys. In fairness, she did leave them under guard, but still. Daenerys continues to blunder around Qarth, asking this guy and that guy for money, but can’t seem to get anywhere. Returning from one such meeting, she finds her guards and servants dead, and the dragons missing. As the episode closes, we get treated to a shot of the dragons crying as they are taken into a mysterious, Dungeons and Dragons-looking tower. Also, do the dragons’ cries always sound so sad to everyone? Every time they howl, it gets to me.
We get two more fantastic scenes in this episode, and if you guessed one would involve Tywin, and the other would involve Tyrion, you would be correct. Tywin continues to sit in Harrenhal, blocking Robb Stark from heading south to King’s Landing. Tywin is half tempted to execute half his war staff, since they can’t seem to stop tripping over their own two feet. The only one Tywin seems to actually enjoy having around is the incognito Arya Stark, who can read and write better than most of his bannermen.
Down in King’s Landing, Tyrion and the rest of the Lannister clan see Myrcella off to Dorne, because “Dorne is the safest place for her.” Game of Thrones, your foreshadowing game is strong indeed. On the way back to the Red Keep, the starving common folk toss manure on Joffrey’s face and we have a full blown riot on our hands. After reaching safety, Tyrion puts another smackdown on Joffrey, which means wish fulfillment for fans everywhere. The Hound braves the riot to rescue Sansa from the common folk, and once more we all question who exactly are the villains on this show. Good times.
29. “Second Sons,” Season 3, Episode 8
Lots of important happenings in this episode, not the least of which is the only major weddings in the series so far where something unspeakably horrible doesn’t happen to one of the new marrieds. Tyrion and Sansa are wed in this episode, and Tyrion quickly gets drunk at the reception. After Joffrey threatens to have his way with the new bride, Tyrion spits out a profanity-filled one liner that we can’t repeat here.
Melisandre continues to be weird, seducing Gendry, the bastard son of Robert Baratheon for some kind of weird ritual. Melisandre wants some of his “kingsblood” and apparently that involves getting naked first. Anyways, Mel extracts some blood with three leeches, which Stannis then burns while naming the other three living kings in Westeros; Robb Stark, Joffrey Baratheon, and Balon Greyjoy. Not exactly subtle foreshadowing, especially considering the Red Wedding is the next episode.
Meanwhile, Daenerys continues her siege of Yunkai, a city no one will remember next week. (Unless you want to win Game of Thrones Jeopardy.) As she sits outside the city, she meets the captains of a mercenary company, the Second Sons. They later decide to sneak into her camp and kill her, except that one of them, Daario Naharis, decides he’d rather serve the beautiful queen. That’s bad news for his buddies, whose heads he chops off and presents to Dany while she bathes. How romantic!
As the episode closes out, our self-professed coward Samwell Tarly manages to kill a White Walker with a dragonglass dagger, much to the surprise of both parties involved. The scenes with the White Walkers are few and far between, and it’s not an accident that the producers want us more focused on who sits the Iron Throne than who could destroy the entire realm. Remember these things!