The WiC Scale: Winners and Losers from “The Winds of Winter”

It’s time for our final edition of the WiC Scale for 2016. Break out the handkerchiefs and commence your sobbing, for Game of Thrones is over for the year, and there won’t be any more episodes until 2017. So when all was said and done, and ten hours of television had ended, where did all our characters stand?

Let’s look over “The Winds of Winter” and see who thrived, who dived, and who just made it through the longest episode in Game of Thrones history, and who might have done better if it hadn’t been for those last ten minutes.

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

Cersei “The Mad Queen” Lannister: It won’t last. But Cersei pulled the Richard III card on errrrrrybody this with, complete with a soundtrack that put the first 25 minutes of the episode on the same level as that Goodfellas scene where the back half of Eric Clapton’s “Layla” plays. And here people in Braavos thought the twisted imp was supposed to be the Richard III stand-in…

Up

Tyrion: Speaking of the “twisted imp,” in reality, Tyrion Lannister is standing taller today than he ever has before, having earned his position as Hand of the Queen, and finally backing the right horse.

Daenerys: She’s got the ships. She’s got the men. She’s got the dragons. She’s got the moves. She’s taking them all to Westeros, and they’re going to get down in Season 7.

Everyone on Team Dany: Including, but not necessarily limited to: Three Dragons, Lady Olenna, Lord Varys, Missandei and the freed slaves, Grey Worm and the Unsullied, Theon and Yara Greyjoy, all the surviving khalasar members, and the folks from Dorne. Yes, even them.

Arya Stark of Winterfell: The Faceless Men even gave her a few spares to wear as part of her severance package, and she’s putting them to good use.

Jon Snow: Kingindanorf! Officially Targ and Stark! The Prince that Was Promised, and so forth! Etc.

Lyanna Mormont: As Tyrion had learned, it’s better to be a kingmaker than a king.

Davos and Tormund: Everyone might be yelling Kingindanorf, but let’s not forget they actually fought on the right side of history, and therefore get special consideration, like having Red Priestesses fired.

Qyburn: See Lyanna Mormont.

Sam: I checked with the TARDIS and Emma Watson, and even the Doctor and Belle from Beauty and the Beast are jealous of his ten months of downtime he gets in those heavenly halls of learning.

Middling

Bran and Meera: So they’re found a nice weirwood tree, but how exactly are they supposed to get places once they cross the Wall now that Benjen took the horse? How can they even get to the Wall, for that matter? Is Meera going to carry Bran on her back?

Benjen: The good news is he wasn’t killed off. The bad news is that was probably his last paycheck from the production, anyway.

Daario: The good news is he’s running Meereen with the Second Sons. The bad news is he finally figured out that his dragon riding days are over, and that was probably also his last paycheck from the production, as well.

Bronn: He survived, he got laid…and hopefully this whole “backing the wrong team” thing won’t come back to bite him any time soon.

Gilly: Her dresses are so much nicer, and someone is still doing her hair…hope she doesn’t mind her non-husband not paying her the slightest bit of attention now that he’s got all those books to read.

Sansa Stark (Lannister Bolton): The good news is her brother was made Kingindanorf. The better news is she didn’t agree to marry Littlefinger. The bad news is…see the good news.

Down

Jaime Lannister: This is why you never stop for dinner at the Freys’. People die whenever anyone dines with them.

Littlefinger: Sansa’s still too smart to fall for his ploys…for now. And there’s a Kingindanorf in his way to the Iron Throne.

Septa Unella: Never has someone wished to be in the Out catagory so badly.

Out

The High Sparrow: He should have listened to the Ten Crack Commandments. Never Get High on Your Own Supply.

Margaery Tyrell: This is why Aaron Burr always says to “Wait For It.” Because sometimes you really did back the wrong horse.

Loras Tyrell: To be fair, with that forehead tattoo he just so ill-advisedly got, his career options would have been seriously limited had he lived.

Mace Tyrell: I’ll bet that mustache burned fiercely.

Kevan Lannister: He forgot the old adage about keeping your head down if you want to keep it attached to your shoulders.

Lancel Lannister: Cersei made sure he got an extra dose of punishment by rendering him helpless right before everything went up in flames.

Everyone Else Who Lived in the Tony District of SeBa: That’s the Sept of Baelor neighborhood, for you Flea Bottom dwellers.

Grand Maester Pycelle: It might have been kinder to let him die at the Sept with everyone else, but the show wanted some sort of nod to book-readers.

Tommen Baratheon: Dead and Meme’d. Cersei lost one child per season for the last three years now.

Black Walder and Lothar Frey: RIP. (Rest in Pie.)

Walder Frey: Dinner at the Freys will never be the same.

It’ll be a long ten months before we return. Ramin Djawadi, play us out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFK0yG8xG5I