Valar morghulis: All men (and women) must die. But when?
Welcome to a weekly column where we rank who is most likely to die in each coming episode of Game of Thrones Season 6. Once more, we had an episode lacking in the death department, at least among established characters. One more week of this and we’re going to start watching Outlander.
After we quickly mourn the dead, we’ll jump right into our odds for this week’s coming episode, the ominously named “No One.”
Unless you’re the Three-Eyed Raven, look away. Spoilers follow below.
Honorable Mention: Septon Ray, played by the always memorable Ian McShane, had a brief but memorable appearance on the show. Sadly, this is Game of Thrones, and we didn’t get treated to more than one episode of the magnetic McShane before Septon Ray was promptly hanged by the Brotherhood Without Banners. Did you think you were watching Friends? View our more detailed Curtain Call here.
****Percentages refer to how likely the character is to die, not survive.****
1-10. Jory-Cassel-picking-fight-with-Jaime-Lannister surprised
You had, like, three scenes in Season 1. Why did you pick a fight with the Kingslayer? These are the characters we think most likely to die this week. We hope they all have their affairs in order.
1. The Waif: 95%. Okay, so we got this one wrong last week, and it was actually the Waif scoring a victory over Arya. But we aren’t counting out Arya quite yet, and that entire scene had a fishy feel to it. Call us skeptical that the Arya/Waif throwdown is over, and we still believe Arya will emerge victorious.
2. Lancel Lannister: 80%. As my esteemed colleague pointed out this week, FrankenMountain is heading for a confrontation with the Sparrows, Lancel among them, and it isn’t going to end well for anyone not named Ser Gregor.
3. Septa Unella: 75%. Speaking of the Faith, we’re also putting Septa Unella near the top of our list. Unella isn’t making any friends, and we wouldn’t put it above Margaery Tyrell to off the septa herself if Unella witnesses something she shouldn’t, to say nothing of FrankenMountain.
4. Melisandre: 75%. So this is awkward. Davos and company are camping out at the same campsite used by Stannis Baratheon during his march to Winterfell, something the writers pointed out in “The Broken Man.” How long until Davos starts poking around the camp and finds a certain carved stag?
5. The High Sparrow: 75%. The High Sparrow continues to play a dangerous game, and this week the game appears to become deadly for more than a few of his followers. Might the High Sparrow be a casualty as well? We say yes.
6. Jaqen H’ghar: 50%. Until Arya is confirmed as dead, Jaqen remains a risk to run afoul of “a girl.”
7. Brynden Tully: 50%. Our trailer breakdown for “No One” seems to show Brienne departing Riverrun in a boat, with a horrified look upon her face. What would horrify Brienne? Mayhaps the death of the Blackfish and every other man in the Riverrun garrison?
8. Edmure Tully: 50%. Edmure was paraded before the gates of of Riverrun by the Freys last week, and they may try and make good on their threat to the Blackfish to kill the guy. As Ser Brynden noted, “my nephew is marked for death.”
9. Kinvara: 50%. Call this an out-of-left-field pick, but from the teaser for next week, we can see something is shaking the Great Pyramid of Meereen. Might that mean dragons? Kinvara seemed awfully interested in the dragons “cleansing” unbelievers when she showed up in “The Door.” If Kinvara attempts to unleash the dragons, we are guessing it goes very, very badly for her.
10. Kevan Lannister: 45%. If our predictions are correct, Kevan’s son Lancel will perish this week at the hands of Cersei’s lackey Ser Gregor. If this does indeed occur, we imagine Ser Kevan might be more than slightly miffed. Therefore, Lancel might not be the only Lannister the FrankenMountain smashes like a beetle.
11-20. Wun-Wun-smashing-that-dude-into-the-wall surprised
When you shoot a giant with a crossbow, what do you think is going to happen? We wouldn’t be surprised if any of these people kick it soon.
11. Those Slaver Guys: 40%. (Belicho Paenymion, Yezzan zo Qaqqaz, Razdak mo Eraz): 40%. If it isn’t Kinvara that lets loose the dragons this week, these guys might, and again, it’ll probably go badly for them.
12. Rickon Stark: 40%. Rickon remains a prisoner of Ramsay Bolton, and thus remains near the top of our list. You can’t hang out with the most psychotic person in all of Westeros and feel safe. Sorry, baby Rickon.
13. Pycelle: 40%. Pycelle is also a likely victim of the FrankenMountain massacre that appears to be on deck this week, as the Grand Maester has spent most of the series annoying Cersei Lannister. Why not just clean house?
14. Grey Worm: 35%. Meereen appears to be front and center in “No One,” and whatever is shaking that chandelier in the trailer isn’t likely to be friendly. Grey Worm would be on the front lines of any sort of confrontation, and is thus in grave danger.
15. Missandei: 30%. Missandei is featured in the promotional images for “No One,” something that we all know could mean dire things for her.
16. Loras Tyrell: 30%. Loras remains an unseen captive of the High Sparrow, although Margaery did at least acknowledge him in her conversation with Olenna. We doubt Ser Loras takes on the life of a penniless beggar, and we also doubt the High Sparrow releases him unharmed. So yeah.
17. Samwell Tarly: 25%. Sam, Sam, Sam. What were you thinking taking Heatsbane like that from your father? Does anyone doubt what Randyll Tarly will do to Samwell if the Lord of Hornhill catches up with his son?
18. Gilly (And little Sam): 25%. Whatever Randyll Tarly is willing to do his son, he’ll be willing to do to Gilly and little Sam.
19. Davos Seaworth: 25%. If our prediction about the Red Woman proves true and Ser Davos goes after Melisandre for the murder of Shireen, he might not survive his attempt on her attempt.
20. Mace Tyrell: 25%. At this point we are just putting Mace up here because he is a colossal buffoon of the first order. Those types can’t last too long in this world.
21-30. Tywin-Lannister-sitting-on-the-toilet surprised.
It was surprising, but the way he treated his family had to come back and bite him sooner or later. If these characters died this week, we’d raise an eyebrow.
21. Arya Stark: 25%. Okay, so things aren’t looking too hot for our favorite assassin. (Reformed!) We still believe Arya has some sort of ace up her sleeve, or at the least was pulling some sort of con on the Waif. Arya vs. The Waif Round 2. Ding ding!
22. Dolorous Edd: 25%. Edd hasn’t been onscreen of late, but when he does reappear, we don’t think it’ll be for long. Defending the Wall is dangerous work with the White Walkers about.
23. Meera Reed: 20%. Meera remains north of the Wall with the Stark boys, but we have to imagine the Night King and his army of wights are right on their trail.
24. Bran Stark: 20%. Again, he’s safe for the moment, but the wights are still on his trail. Not good. Plus the Night King marked him.
25. Benjen Stark: 15%. Benjen certainly looked capable of holding his own against the wights with that flaming whip thing, but what happens if the Night King shows up?
26. Olenna Tyrell: 15%. Olenna Tyrell is on the High Sparrow’s radar, and last we saw her, was planning to book it out of the city. Still, Olenna might not have escaped the High Sparrow’s reach.
27. Margaery Tyrell: 15%. Margaery appears to have some sort of plan, but our money is still on the High Sparrow being the sharper knife in the drawer.
28. Petyr Baelish: 10%. As revealed by some clever folks over on Reddit, it’s all but certain that Sansa wrote to Littlefinger requesting aid in the upcoming showdown with Ramsay Bolton. Baelish appears fairly safe surrounded by his army, but we shall see.
31-40. Ned-Stark-getting-his-head-chopped-off surprised.
Everyone thought Ned Stark was the main character, right? It would be a major shock if anyone in this group died at this point in the story.
29. Jaime Lannister: 5%. Jaime is looking pretty fierce in his new Lannister armor, and appears ready to storm Riverrun and kill every last Tully alive. If that happens, we think Jaime will lead from the rear and escape any danger.
30. Cersei Lannister: 5%. Oh, Cersei. I despise you, but I’m excited for you to “choose violence” and finally unleash FrankenMountain.
31. Tormund Gianstbane: 5%. Tormund is a simple man. He likes to fight, he likes to stare longingly at tall women, and he likes to keep his word. Safe for this week.
32. Wun Wun: 5%. Until the Battle of the Bastards, we believe that Wun Wun and the rest of the wildling crew are safe.
33. Bronn: 5%. Bronn made his triumphant return this past week, and everyone cheered. The show wouldn’t kill him a week after he comes back, would it? Would it?
34. Yara Greyjoy: 5%. After giving one of the simultaneously best and worst pep talks in the history of Game of Thrones, Yara is on her way to Meereen in an attempt to woo Daenerys with her ships. Until she gets here, she’s safe
35. Theon Grejoy: 5%. Theon appears to have taken Yara’s pep talk to heart, judging by the spark we saw in his eyes this past week. Theon should be around for a while, helping Yara win Daenerys to their cause.
36. Tommen Baratheon: 5%. Tommen might think he has everything under control, but the king is being pulled in a hundred directions at once. That can’t end well.
37. Sansa Stark: 4%. Sansa is walking straight into a showdown with Ramsay Bolton, and may or may not have improved her odds of surviving by sending a raven to Littlefinger for help.
38. Walder Frey: 4%. Despite a desire to see David Bradley belittle his underlings until the end of time, Walder Frey has quite the long list of enemies, and remains on a certain No One’s list.
41-50. Red-Wedding surprised
We would stake our life that these characters making it through this week.
39. Qyburn: 2%. The new master of whisperers and a generally creepy old man, Qyburn looks safe this week in the shadow of FrankenMountain.
40.Varys: 2%. Varys always seems to have a handle on the motivations of those around him, and we doubt this is the week something gets past the Spider.
41. Euron Greyjoy: 2%. Crazy Uncle Euron is probably drowning anyone on the Iron Islands that isn’t building those thousand ships he ordered, but we doubt anyone is taking a shot at Euron this week, if we see him at all.
42. Daario Naharis: 2%. Dany might have to fight her way into Meereen if those slaver guys are as untrustworthy as we believe. This week, however, the khaleesi’s boy toy seems safe.
43. Brienne of Tarth: 2%. Brienne might appear to be in danger during the siege of Riverrun, but we doubt this is where the Maid of Tarth meets her end.
44. Podrick Payne: 2%. The greatest lover in all of Westeros doesn’t seem likely to perish before his master, and as Brienne is safe, so is young Podrick Payne.
45. Jon Snow: 1%. Jon Snow will be one of the main participants in the Battle of the Bastards, and isn’t likely to die (again) beforehand.
46. Ramsay Bolton: 1%. Ramsay is the other half of the Battle of the Bastards, and isn’t likely to die before it. Although if Ramsay did die and Melisandre wanted to bring him back so we could watch him die again, we’d be cool with that.
47. Tyrion Lannister: 1%. Judging from the teaser for “No One”, the Great Pyramid of Meereen doesn’t seem as structurally sound as we thought, but nevertheless, Tyrion should survive at least one more week.
48. Daenerys Targaryen: 1%. Daenerys took last week off, but is still presumably headed to Meereen, and after that, Westeros. We hope. We pray. For crying out loud, just get on a boat already. No more speeches.
49. Melessa and Talla Tarly: 1%. The Tarly women clearly had more influence on Samwell than his brutal father, Randyll. If they somehow bite the bullet, we give up.
50. Randyll Tarly (And Dickon): 1%. Those Tarly boys might be in hot pursuit of Samwell and Heartsbane, but they are in the relatively safe and tranquil Reach.
51. The Hound: 1% The Hound returned! The Hound isn’t dead! We missed the blunt honesty of the Hound, and we wish him luck in his quest to avenge the gentle commoners who took him in. Go get ’em boy!
52. Jorah Mormont: 1%. Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?