I’m a Firestarter, a Twisted Firestarter—The Cersei Lannister Story

As we enter the run-up to Game of Thrones season 7, there comes a time to reflect on the characters we know and love — or in some cases, hate. How have these characters’ lives changed since they first appeared on our screens? What lessons have they learned? Most importantly, which character’s story has the greatest potential for comedy? These are the hard questions that haunt a small portion of our waking moments, and so we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy a super-serious* recap of one character’s journey, every week.

On our most recent outing, we took a look at the indomitable Arya Stark, the most adorable murderess in all of Westeros. For our last hurrah before the new season begins, it’s only fitting that we check up on the woman who undoubtedly tops the little Lady Stark’s kill-list, the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms herself, Cersei Lannister.

Factfile

Name: Cersei Lannister

Occupation: Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms, Terrorist

Nicknames: Your Grace, Atomic Blonde, Regina George

Current Status: Alive

Kingdom: All seven of ’em

Relationship Status: Widowed and loving it

Significant Other: Robert Baratheon (husband, she had him killed), Loras Tyrell (betrothed, she had him killed), Lancel Lannister (lover, she had him killed) Jaime Lannister (I’m sensing a pattern Jaime GET OUT OF THERE)

Likely Catchphrase: “The enemy of my enemy is still my enemy.”

Unlikely Catchphrase: “None for me, thanks, I’m driving.”

Family

Mother: Joanna Lannister (deceased)

Father: Tywin Lannister (deceased)

Siblings: Jaime Lannister and Tyrion Lannister

Aunts/Uncles:  Kevan Lannister (deceased), Genna Lannister, Tygett Lannister, Gerion Lannister, Stafford Lannister, Damon Lannister (all in the books only, fates unknown on the show)

Cousins: Lancel Lannister (he was an explosive lover), Willem Lannister (deceased), Martyn Lannister (deceased), Alton Lannister (deceased), Janei Lannister, Tyrek Lannister, Joy Hill, Daven Lannister, Cerenna Lannister, Myielle Lannister, Damion Lannister, Cleos Frey, Lyonel Frey, Tion Frey and “Red” Walder Frey (most in the books only, fates unknown on the show)

Grandparents:  Tytos Lannister (deceased), Jeyne Lannister (formerly Marbrand, deceased), Jason Lannister (deceased), Marla Lannister (formerly Prester, deceased)

Children: Joffrey Baratheon (not her fault), Myrcella Baratheon (not her fault) and Tommen Baratheon (um)

Known Associates

Current Allies: Qyburn, Jaime Lannister, the Mountain

Current Enemies: North, South, East, West, hate is the thing that I do best

It’s Complicated: Jaime Lannister

Personal kill list: All of Cersei’s murders have been indirect, but here goes — Robert Baratheon, Kevan Lannister, Mace Tyrell, Lancel Lannister, Margaery Tyrell, Loras Tyrell, the High Sparrow, hundreds of less important characters.

Character Stats:

Preferred Weapon: Wildfire, Gregor Clegane

Notable achievements:

Killed husband with ground-breaking knowledge that alcoholic + too much booze + angry boar = death
Successfully arranged the betrayal and arrest of Ned Stark
Had her brother convicted of a murder he didn’t commit
Arranged for the incarceration of Margaery and Loras Tyrell
Blew up the Great Sept of Baelor and killed countless enemies
Revolutionized nuclear warfare
First ever female leader of Westeros
Stole Daenerys Targaryen’s glass ceiling right out from under her nose

Special Abilities:

Cutting insults
Drinking you under the table
Tearing paper with pinpoint precision
Loving her children
Simultaneously neglecting her children
Fixing trials
Threatening to burn cities to the ground
Burning cities to the ground
Following through on threats
RKO out of nowhere

Biography

Pre-Show

Cersei Lannister is the oldest child of Tywin and Joanna Lannister. On the day of her birth, her father was pleased by her arrival, until minutes later when her twin brother Jaime made his debut appearance on the planet. “Hold this thing for me,” said Tywin, dumping his new-born daughter into the arms of nearby nursemaid like a pile of laundry. I mean, probably. I wasn’t there, but I’m 99% sure that this is exactly what happened.

As Cersei grew, she proved herself to be intelligent, manipulative, quick to learn and slightly unhinged. She was also very beautiful, so nobody noticed all of that other stuff. The arrival of her younger brother, Tyrion, heralded the death of her beloved mother. “This is your fault,” said Cersei to Tyrion, a baby. “You killed my mother on purpose.” Okay, so maybe she wasn’t that intelligent.

Because Tywin had forced Jaime to spend several hours a day learning to read instead of interacting with other girls, Jaime fell deeply in love with his sister and devoted himself to being her whipping boy. This was cool with Cersei, though she wasn’t content to store all of her eggs in one brother. Accordingly, set her sights on Rhaegar Targaryen, the handsome son of King Aerys. Along with a friend, she broke into the hut of a local witch named Maggy the Sexy Succubus, not to be confused with the warty, toothless Maggy the Frog, who is a book-only character. “Tell me my future or I’ll have you killed because my daddy owns you and your dilapitated shanty,” Cersei demanded. Maggy raised a sexy eyebrow. “Do you think I’m going to give you a nice fortune after you trespass on my property and threaten me?” she said, before predicting a dire fate for Cersei and her future children. I may have overstated Cersei’s intelligence quite a lot earlier.

Cersei’s hoped-for marriage to Rhaegar never happened because the king married him off to Elia Martell of Dorne. “I suppose you’ll do,” Cersei said to Jaime, and plotted to get him named to King Aerys’ Kingsguard so she could always have a whipping boy at her disposal. It worked. But then, to Jaime’s immense sadness and Cersei’s mild irritation, her father quit his job as Hand of the King and took her back to Casterly Rock, her childhood home. She didn’t see Jaime again until he killed King Aerys during an uprising against the crown, and Robert Baratheon took Aerys’ place on the throne.

Cersei’s father wasted no time in marrying her off to Robert Baratheon, which annoyed her until her wedding day, when she realized that Robert was hot. Her newfound optimism lasted until the wedding night, which was all kinds of disappointing. “I wish you were my best friend’s dead sister,” said Robert mid-consummation. It was dead romantic if you were the best friend’s dead sister, but not so much for Cersei, who settled on her second choice, Jaime, once more. Their secret affair continued for years and led to the birth of three children: Draco, Expendable, and Cinnamon Roll Baratheon.

Season 1

We first met Cersei Lannister when she and her brother, Jaime, stood watch over the dead body of the late Hand of the King, Jon Arryn. Cersei and Jaime love standing watch over dead bodies, almost as much as they love getting it on. Sometimes they even combine the two. It’s kind of A Thing for them.

With Lord Arryn dead, Cersei’s husband — King Robert Baratheon — decided to name Ned Stark as his new Hand, so the entire royal family travelled to Winterfell to stay with the Stark family. Cersei was not impressed, partly because the northerners preferred ale to wine, but mostly because her husband straight-up humiliated her in the courtyard by insisting on visiting the crypts to commit emotional adultery with the statue of a dead girl. Later, during the welcoming feast, he committed actual adultery with a serving girl, so Cersei was miserable pretty much from start to finish.

During the feast, Ned Stark’s wife Catelyn tried her best to be kind to Cersei, but Cersei was more interested in Catelyn’s young daughter, Sansa. The following conversation has been recorded for posterity.

Cersei: “So you think you’re going to cast me down and take everything I hold dear, do you?”
Sansa: “I’m only thirteen years old.”
Cersei: “Got your period yet? I need to know how long I’ve got before you start becoming a real problem.”
Sansa: “I’m only thirteen years old.”
Cersei: You devious little whore. I bet you’re already wondering what you’ll look like in my gowns, aren’t you?
Sansa: “I’m only thirteen years old.”
Cersei: “I would take great pleasure in killing each and every single member of your uncultured, ale-swigging family.”
Sansa: “What?”
Cersei: “Kisses!”

Sansa was immediately charmed by Cersei’s thinly-veiled disdain. Less easily charmed: Bran Stark, who was clambering along the rooftops of Winterfell one day when he happened upon Cersei and Jaime having sex — they hadn’t been able to find any dead bodies to stand over this time. To protect his sister and their children, Jaime pushed Bran out of the window. “Do you think we could stand watch over his body?” said Cersei to Jaime, once Bran had landed. “Or would that look too suspicious?”

Bran survived, but he didn’t remember his fall, and the royal family returned safely to King’s Landing with Ned Stark and his daughters in tow. Along the way, Cersei had Sansa’s pet wolf killed following a fight between Joffrey and Arya, Sansa’s younger sister. Still, she wore her hair in pretty braids, so Sansa remained charmed.

News soon reached the capital that Catelyn Stark had arrested Cersei’s brother, Tyrion, for an attempt on Bran’s life. Instead of sending his best attorney to defend him, Tywin Lannister declared war on the Starks. The Lannisters are so extra.

After a while, an injured Ned Stark employed a newfangled scientific method to determine that Jaime –- who had left the capitol to join his father at war — was the father of Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen, a method called ‘just guessing’. While Robert was away hunting, he met with Cersei to confront her about it. “Did you conduct a DNA test to arrive at this conclusion?” she asked Ned. “Nah,” said Ned. “I just guessed.” “Damn. I’ve got no choice but to admit to the truth,” said Cersei. Ned warned her to leave King’s Landing with her children in tow. Otherwise, Robert would have all of them killed.

Quite unreasonably, Cersei decided to protect her children from slaughter. She bade her third-choice boyfriend, Pathetic Cousin Lancel, to get her husband drunk while he was hunting, which Lancel managed to do without expending any effort whatsoever. Robert was killed by a boar and Cersei had Ned arrested shortly afterwards. Sansa was called to Cersei’s chamber and asked to write to her mother and brother, instructing them to call off the war. “Do what I say or I won’t let you marry Joffrey,” she threatened Sansa. “You remember, Joffrey, right? That little shit who tortures butcher boys for fun and tried to cut your sister in half?” Sansa could only think of Joffrey’s dreamy eyes, and did as she was told.

Joffrey was now king of the Seven Kingdoms, and Cersei urged him to send Ned to the Wall and avoid any further warfare. Unfortunately, Joffrey had other ideas. “I am the kingliest king who ever kinged!” he declared to a roaring crowd before ordering Ned’s execution.

“Well,” said Cersei to herself, as Ned’s head rolled across the ground. “I might have made a couple of parenting mistakes.” She couldn’t even enjoy standing over Ned’s body, because Jaime wasn’t there.

Season 2

With Robert Baratheon dead, the castle stores were overflowing with a surplus of wine, so Cersei made it her mission to personally dispose of it. This arduous task would continue well into the sixth season. She’s so dedicated.

Cersei’s son, Joffrey, was installed on the throne and taking care of the big issues, namely interior design and the murder of all of Robert Baratheon’s bastards. Sure, the entire kingdom was at war and several different people were staking claims to the throne, but it’s important to have priorities. Cersei made a feeble attempt to control him that backfired spectacularly. “I AM THE KINGLIEST KING OF ALL KINGS,” Joffrey cried in her face. “I don’t have to listen to my mommy! Kingly king! I’m not going to eat another green vegetable ever again!” Cersei gasped in horror. The worst had come to pass.

To make matters even more dire, Jaime had been captured by Robb Stark, and Cersei instead had to contend with her little brother Tyrion, who was acting Hand of the King. Tyrion cruelly took her wildfire away, and decided to send Princess Myrcella to Dorne to be married to Trystane Martell. Bereft of a daughter, Cersei focused on strengthening her bond with Sansa, who was still engaged to Joffrey and had gotten her first period. “My son is an abusive little shit, but you know what you should do? Have his babies. That will make things so much better,” she advised, going against the ethos of women’s shelters everywhere.

Soon, Stannis Baratheon sailed to King’s Landing and tried to lay siege to the city, intent upon taking the throne from Joffrey. While the battle flared outside, Cersei held a girl’s night in the castle, but nobody else wanted to get their buzz on because there was a bloody war happening. Cersei ordered Pathetic Cousin Lancel to fetch Joffrey and take him safely to his playroom so he wouldn’t get a boo-boo in battle, which Pathetic Cousin Lancel did because he was, as I believe I have already stated, pathetic. “But I’m a kingly king,” Joffrey whispered as Lancel led him away.

It soon became clear that Stannis stood a good chance of defeating the king’s army. Fearing that Stannis would storm the city and hurt her children, Cersei had no other choice but to kill herself and Tommen whilst sitting on the Iron Throne. See what I mean about the Lannisters? So extra. Luckily for her, Tywin arrived with his own forces, as well as the Tyrell army, and saved the day.

After the battle was over, Tywin rode into the throne room on his prize stallion to teach Cersei a lesson about trying to out-extra her father. The Tyrells presented themselves to Joffrey and his assembled court, and Loras Tyrell bade Joffrey to break up with Sansa Stark in favor of his sister, Margaery. “You seem like such a kingly king,” said Margaery’s prominent cleavage, and Joffrey exploded in his pants.

Season 3

By the start of the third season, Joffrey had discarded Sansa Stark in favor of Margaery Tyrell, and Cersei immediately realized that she had been wrong to assume that Sansa was the younger, more beautiful queen who was destined to cast her down. “Should I apologize to Sansa for insulting and mistreating her?” she asked herself as she arrived on step 8 of the 12 step program pamphlet that had been slipped beneath her door. “Nope, I’m good.”

Margaery quickly became well-known in King’s Landing for her sweet and giving nature, which annoyed Cersei immensely. To assert her dominance, Cersei accompanied Joffrey on his first date with his new bride. Loras was also there, but Cersei didn’t find this unusual. The following conversation has been recorded for posterity.

Cersei: “So you think you’re going to cast me down and take everything I hold dear, do you?”
Margaery: “An armored gown? Are all of your threats going to be this inelegant?”
Joffrey: “Kingly king. That’s me.”
Cersei: “The armor’s there to protect my dress from staining when I splatter your guts clean across this table.”
Margaery: “That’s cute. I hear everyone hates you. I wouldn’t know what that feels like.”
Cersei: “Keep on visiting the local peasants in their hovels, and maybe one of them will kill you for me.”
Margaery: “I’m the one feeding the local peasants, if you hadn’t forgotten.”
Cersei: “Yes, you’re very charitable. So charitable, you’ve given away half of your dress.”
Joffrey: “Charitable? I don’t know of this word.”
Margaery: “Have you met my brother Loras? You mightn’t have known that he was my brother, since we weren’t making out when you walked into the room.”
Cersei: “How pretty your head would look on a spike.”
Joffrey: “You know what word I do know? Kingly.”
Loras: “My character’s only facet at this stage is being gay. Don’t expect me to add anything more to this conversation.”

Incensed, Cersei set Littlefinger to the task of spying on the Tyrells and discovered that they were plotting to marry Loras to Sansa Stark. She promptly told her father, who was now installed in the Red Keep as Joffrey’s hand. He decided to marry Sansa to Tyrion, and told him as much during a private family meeting. Cersei happily taunted Tyrion until her father told her that she was to be wed to Loras Tyrell. “But I can’t marry him!” she cried, outraged. “His writing has been so mishandled!” “Shut up,” said Tywin. “You’re both a disgrace to your family name. Your constant incompetence makes me long for the one child I truly love — that serving girl from Harrenhal.”

Not long after, Robb Stark and his mother were killed at the infamous Red Wedding, and the war was officially called to an end. Shortly after, Jaime arrived home. “I’ve endured sleepless nights, starvation, blood, sweat, tears and had my hand chopped off to return to you, my beloved,” said Jaime, his eyes alight with adoration. “You couldn’t take a shower before coming to see me?” said Cersei, her lip curling in disgust. “This is why you’re my second choice.”

Season 4

The fourth season started out badly for Cersei, as her son, Joffrey, was poisoned at his own wedding feast. Cersei held his body in her arms and screamed for Tyrion to be arrested for his murder, while the rest of the guests hurriedly hid their smiles behind their goblets. Luckily for her, Jaime was back, so they were able to resume their second-favorite hobby: standing watch over yet another dead body. Cersei was certain that she would never feel better following the tragic death of her son. “I’ve got something in my pants that could make you feel better,” said Jaime, and proceeded to not make her feel better at all.

In the meantime, Cersei’s youngest son, Tommen, had fallen victim to Werner Syndrome and aged up about five years in the space of a couple of months. Cersei met with Margaery at Tommen’s coronation and agreed that she and Tommen should be wed, which was just as well, because Margaery was already paying worrying visits to Tommen in his bedroom and getting him all worked up. “He needs a wife to distract him from his grief,” Cersei mused, completely unaware of Margaery’s machinations. “He doesn’t seem to be sleeping at night, and we’re constantly running out of toilet paper. It must be all the crying he’s been doing.”

As Tyrion’s trial approached, Cersei asked Jaime to kill him, hoping that his love of standing over bodies with her would move him to action, but he refused, leaving her no other option but to have Tyrion found guilty in court. While her youngest sibling languished in a dungeon, awaiting his trial, she spent her days doctoring video footage of Tyrion’s dialogue to erase all context and make him look guilty, as well as paying his friends off to testify against him.

Her hard work paid off. When the day of Tyrion’s trial arrived, Cersei’s choice of witnesses successfully goaded her brother into demanding a trial by combat, which he lost, because the man representing him was more extra than any Lannister ever had been.

Buoyed by Tyrion’s conviction, Cersei went to her father and told him she wouldn’t marry Loras Tyrell. “I am not marrying a man who would rather sleep with my brother than with me. Only I can sleep with my brother,” she cried, much to Tywin’s disgust. “I also have a real and unnerving desire to burn cities to the ground, and I can’t find anything about it in my 12 step pamphlet.”

Season 5

The fifth season started out badly for Cersei, as Tyrion had just murdered Tywin while the latter was on the crapper. At his funeral, she and Jaime stood watch over his body because what else would they be doing? “Don’t even think about it,” she said to her brother, who had been the one to free Tyrion and inadvertently cause Tywin’s death. “Last year you screwed me, this year you’ve screwed our whole family.” Meanwhile, in Dorne, Ellaria Sand had decided to murder Myrcella and sent word to Cersei so that she could begin funeral preparations, because she may be a revenge-crazed idiot, but she’s damn well going to be polite about it.

With Jaime dispatched south to rescue Myrcella, Cersei was left without a date to her youngest son’s wedding, as sweet cinnamon roll Tommen was married to Margaery Tyrell in the Great Sept of Baelor. Unlike her wedding to Joffrey, this time, only Margaery had to suffer for it afterwards.

King Cinnamon Roll was madly in love with his new bride, and began urging his mother to leave King’s Landing so they could make out in his bedroom with the door closed. Feeling more threatened than ever, Cersei paid a visit to her new daughter-in-law to welcome her to the family and check for weak spots in her security detail. The following conversation has been recorded for posterity.

Margaery: “Is it wine o’ clock already?”
Cersei: “Oh look, it’s To Catch a Predator.”
Margaery: “You son is the worst I’ve ever had, and I’ve had two celibate marriages.”
Cersei: “My son is twelve, what the hell were you expecting?”
Margaery: “Are you planning to get drunk today? Let me know if you’re not, so I can die of shock.”
Cersei: “Are you planning to cycle through all of my kids before they reach puberty?”
Margaery: “Your son’s going to knock me up and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Cersei: “Oh really? Better get a move on. Aren’t you nearing menopause?”
Margaery: “Aren’t you as obsolete as a dial-up modem?”
Cersei: “Fight me.”
Margaery: “Gladly.”
Cersei: “Kisses!”

Following that episode of The Real Housewives of Westeros, Cersei was hopping mad and decided that all of the Tyrells needed to be taken down. She appealed to the High Sparrow, leader of the religious cult to which Pathetic Cousin Lancel — now recognizable only by his lifeless, staring shark eyes — now belonged. “I wonder if Lancel spilled about our affair when he became a zealot,” she NEVER considered, before giving the High Sparrow a stupid amount of power.

Her plan worked. Loras Tyrell was arrested for being gay, while Margaery was taken into custody for the unforgivable crime of being a good sister. Tommen was devastated, and Cersei tried her best to comfort him. “I love you more than life itself,” she told her son. “Also, I have a real desire to burn cities to the ground. It’s all I ever think about.” Tommen was too sad and sexually frustrated to take her seriously.

Cersei was thrilled by the success of her scheme, until the High Sparrow abruptly had her detained. She was locked in a dirty dungeon and routinely tormented by Septa Unella, a lurching killjoy of a woman who never loosens up and Wants to Speak to your Manager. Eventually, she was brought before the High Sparrow to account for her crimes. “It’s all lies,” Cersei lied. “Except for the parts you can prove, but the rest of it is all lies.”

Because Formerly-Pathetic-But-Now-Smug Cousin Lancel couldn’t keep a secret, Cersei had to admit that they’d done the nasty. “The gods are merciful and kind, particularly the Mother, who will forgive you for this heinous crime,” said the High Sparrow before having her stripped naked and marched through the city streets with an unflattering buzz cut. It was a harrowing experience, but Cersei marched bravely on, comforted by the knowledge that wine was waiting for her in the Red Keep. And Tommen, I guess.

Season 6

The sixth season started out badly for Cersei, as her daughter, Myrcella, was brought back to King’s Landing in a body bag. Sit tight for the opening of season 7, when Cersei’s favorite wine merchant will pass away from an unfortunate illness and she’ll declare a state of national emergency.

King Cinnamon Roll barred his mother from attending Myrcella’s funeral, but went to apologize to her afterwards. “I’m sorry, but I’m just so sick of watching you and Uncle Jaime standing watch over dead bodies,” said Tommen. “Please forgive me for being a wet cinnamon roll, and teach me how to be a manly meatball sub.” Cersei engulfed him in a hug that he only managed to escape from several hours later.

Because Cersei had been accused of murdering Robert and sleeping with Jaime, she still had to undergo a trial put on by the Faith Militant, and intended to use the Mountain to defend her honour. When she wasn’t letting him off his leash for regular exercise — which mostly involved smashing and tearing off heads — she was unsuccessfully trying to get in on the small council’s plans to dispose of the High Sparrow. Meanwhile, Margaery Tyrell was hard at work in the sept, manipulating the High Sparrow into believing that she was a convert, and trying her best to get Tommen on board. Torn between his wife’s way and his mother’s way, Tommen sided with the most overwhelming force of all: his boner. Now united with Margaery in supporting the High Sparrow, Tommen fired Jaime from his Kingsguard and outlawed trial by combat. So much for being a manly meatball sub.

Facing a trial she couldn’t win and with no friends to support her, Cersei had no choice but to blow everybody up. Probably. It’s likely that there were other choices. She could have cycled through a few options, but this is a woman who consumes so much wine, you could get drunk off her urine. Don’t expect her to take the most reasonable course of action. On the day of her trial, she watched the sept burn with a glass in her hand and a song in her heart — a song called F**k the Police, by NWA.

Cersei then paid a visit to Septa Unella, who had been captured and detained in the bowels of the Red Keep on her orders. She proceeded to waterboard her with her favorite Arbor red. “But I’m a teetotaler!” Unella protested, unaware that a Cersei Lannister who is willing to waste wine is a Cersei Lannister who has passed the point of all reason.

In the meantime, Tommen had taken a flying leap out of a window a la Bran Stark — nice callback, D&D. Qyburn presented his lifeless body to Cersei. “Shall we hold a funeral for him in the throne room?” said Qyburn. “I know how much you love to stand watch over dead bodies.” Cersei refused because it wasn’t as fun without Jaime there. Besides, the throne room was already booked for her coronation.

*not serious at all

NEXT: Lena Headey and Peter Dinklage discuss Cersei and Tyrion’s season 7 journeys

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